Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Katierose002 I can’t go on your mental health journey with you - fair or unfair
  • replies: 9

Has anyone had this experience? This Christmas I went to festival with a man I had been dating for about 4 months. He is fully aware that I’m being treated for PTSD. I had an episode while camping and left. I’ve since apologised. He told me that he c... View more

Has anyone had this experience? This Christmas I went to festival with a man I had been dating for about 4 months. He is fully aware that I’m being treated for PTSD. I had an episode while camping and left. I’ve since apologised. He told me that he can’t be “on my mental health journey with me.” I’m trying to process this in the most healthy way I know. Im meditating, doing things I enjoy and connecting with friends. But there is a part of me that is really pissed off and disappointed and I don’t know how to express that or who to express it to. Keen to read other perspectives.

KoalaMum Emotional abuse or maybe I’m just loosing the plot
  • replies: 32

Hello, I’m new here so please forgive me if I say anything out of place. I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and I notice it’s wearing me down. I look back at old photos and I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve lost the genuine laughter and ... View more

Hello, I’m new here so please forgive me if I say anything out of place. I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and I notice it’s wearing me down. I look back at old photos and I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve lost the genuine laughter and twinkle in my eye. Maybe part of that’s to do with maturing and going through life experiences, making one more wary but I keep wondering if a large part of that is to do with my relationship with my partner. We can’t seem to communicate. Most communications end up with him being angry, rolling his eyes, sighing or just plain ignoring (like not saying a word or making eye contact so that I have to repeat myself and ask if he heard). In arguments, we just go round in circles and I end up having to apologise and then nothing changes. On the rare occasion when he seems to make changes, it’ll only last a week. When I do confront him, the usual responses are “I didn’t hear you”, “ you should make yourself clearer”, “I don’t remember having that discussion”, “I didn’t realise it was important”. When things go wrong, I’ll often get the blame. From small things - like the kitchen towel being soaking wet (it was draped over the sink which was wet) to bigger things like why the household financial situation is not as expected. When I gathered enough courage together and listed out key areas for us to work on, his response was “ it is who I am, I can’t change”. He told me I am the problem, and wishes there is someone who can “fix” me and tell me how to behave. When I try to put in my side of the story, he either says it’s not important or I’m being nasty to him and he is the real victim. I can see that some problems are related to my low self esteem during my upbringing and perhaps I should have been more vocal about issues earlier on in the relationship. I can also see he had issues too during his childhood which also play a role. Some days I cry because I feel so sorry for the little boy that I can see in his eyes and wish I could make this relationship better for him so he won’t feel so upset. Other days I cry because I’m just confused and don’t know what’s up or down anymore as the saying goes. So I’m just seeing if the community can shed some thoughts on what feels like a confusing situation to me. I feel I should leave because the relationship is harming me (regardless of whether it classifies as emotional abuse or not) but I also feel guilty that I’m abandoning a person who needs love. Thank you.

white knight Boys toys
  • replies: 13

I've had my toys all my life. I'm 65yo. It hasnt changed. Around 80 cars since 17yo and 8 motorcycles. Model aircraft, sculpturing and the like. But, every woman I've had a relationship with has had either resentment, jealousy or dislike for my toys ... View more

I've had my toys all my life. I'm 65yo. It hasnt changed. Around 80 cars since 17yo and 8 motorcycles. Model aircraft, sculpturing and the like. But, every woman I've had a relationship with has had either resentment, jealousy or dislike for my toys until now. My wife of 10 years loves our new slot car and train set combined. A friend of mine has a project to restore a vintage car. He has nearly finished the project, that started before his wife of 6 years came on the scene. In their first year of living with each other she helped him store and categorise his spare parts (many). She dropped the odd hint that restoring a car "wasnt worth the effort". He explained to her that it was the journey, his passion and the end result that drove him towards his goal. She said "I'll let you have your car" ! About 3 months ago she upped the topic. He toiled finding the time to take her for picnics, movies and the like so she wouldnt feel abandoned. The time needed to commit to his project was exhaustive. I arrived for a cuppa one day and she openly asked me if I was in her position if I'd like to be marired to a mans 'project'. clearly there was tension. I suggested if you cant beat them join them. The car would likely get finished much quicker if she helped him. Then they can enjoy drives on Sundays to the beach. She immediately rejected the notion "I couldnt stand working on that thing". If ever there were two sides to a story this is one of them. Yesterday my mate visited me. He was depressed. He said his wife brings up his car project every time they discuss money, the shortness of it. He said "if I had never married her I would never have struggled emotionally like this and would have been happy to have my passion, now I want to burn the car". And "it's as if my wife has this burning desire to own me which means me not having my dream...because my dream should be her and her alone". Men can be in love with a woman and have his toys as well. Men having toys (the word "toys" is so demeaning) is therapeutic, enjoyable and what they are good at. Treading the fine line with this between them, I asked his wife if she had a passion of any type. "No" was the answer. She works part time and has lots of time to have one. She said if he didnt have the car she'd have the money to have a passion. I asked what that passion would be and her answer was "I dont know". mmmm Is she possessive or should he have considered a womans needs before deciding to remarry? Tony WK

_hoggers I cannot de with touching my boyfriend
  • replies: 4

I am in a relationship, but I cannot hug, kiss or anything with my boyfriend. Every time he touches me, I become nervous and repulsed, even to the point of being mean so that he doesn’t touch me. I want to hug and kiss etc, but I just can’t! I’m not ... View more

I am in a relationship, but I cannot hug, kiss or anything with my boyfriend. Every time he touches me, I become nervous and repulsed, even to the point of being mean so that he doesn’t touch me. I want to hug and kiss etc, but I just can’t! I’m not sure if I should be getting therapy for this or if there’s even an underlying issue, but it’s really scaring me. I’m turning 20 and I can’t touch my boyfriend

Abu Ghosted by 2 of my children - advice
  • replies: 5

Long story, We have 4 children, all now in their late 30's and early 40's. We have been equally fair with all of them, and I'm proud of all they have achieved, 3 of them are happily married, although one, (3)This child was never petty or vindictive, ... View more

Long story, We have 4 children, all now in their late 30's and early 40's. We have been equally fair with all of them, and I'm proud of all they have achieved, 3 of them are happily married, although one, (3)This child was never petty or vindictive, but over the years he has become more and more distant. He would only speak to my via phone when his wife wasn't around (for instance when he was on the way back from work, and on hands free). We would talk about his work, even allowing him to swear.He no longer sees even his best friend, he was best man at his friends wedding, went through school with him etc. So, some months ago, we decided to build a Granny Flat,- as an investment, and also to allow my eldest son and his wife and son to move in, pay rent, and save money. We aren't interested in them paying commercial rates, because it's family, and they don't earn anywhere near the money my other children earn. All of my other children are doing really well financially, buying houses with their partners, my daughter, for reasons of her own is single, doing a really good job, and managing quite well, although she has anger issues, which will come up in this rather confusing post. 3, (son mentioned above), flew off the handle, and said "You will never see your grand daughters ever again" Bear in mind, we have not seen our first grand daughter in 2 years, although they live only a few kilometres from us. We never get photographs, we never get news. We think building the granny flat was just the excuse he needed to cut us off completely. So "3" had a second daughter in November. We didn't even get an SMS. We found out by accident. When we sent an SMS wishing his first daughter Happy Birthday in NOvember, and congratulations on the new baby, hoping that one day we would see her. We didn't get a reply. We sent a Merry Christmas SMS, We didn't get a reply. We sent another SMS, telling them we would drop off the presents from all of the family (including his Aunt, who asked if she could visit and see the new baby, but was told in no uncertain terms that she could not), No response. We dropped off the presents at the doorstep, drove off, and SMS'd that the presents were dropped off. No response, and no response for a Happy New Year SMS. Any advice on how I should continue to handle the situation is welcome

CMF BB Single Parents Group
  • replies: 91

Hi all, One of the things I love about these forums is that as well as dealing with the heavy stuff there is space to chill out and connect with people in in a social forum. After reading threads from other single parents I noticed that many of us fe... View more

Hi all, One of the things I love about these forums is that as well as dealing with the heavy stuff there is space to chill out and connect with people in in a social forum. After reading threads from other single parents I noticed that many of us feel alone at times, unsupported, we feel we are not doing a good enough job or we are just plain old worn out or frustrated. I thought I would start this thread for all the single parents out there who just want a space to chill out, relax, maybe compare notes, ask for advice and to pretty much know you are not alone. It's a tough gig, we are all doing the best we can. CMF

EmilyIn_Paris Undiagnosed mental illness,
  • replies: 6

My brother has displayed what I believe are symptoms of bi polar and schizophrenia since he was a teenager. He has always talked to himself and whenever I would ask him ‘what did you say?’ he says he didn’t say anything. I have always felt he is acti... View more

My brother has displayed what I believe are symptoms of bi polar and schizophrenia since he was a teenager. He has always talked to himself and whenever I would ask him ‘what did you say?’ he says he didn’t say anything. I have always felt he is acting out scenarios with people in his head and speaking out loud without realising it. He still does this at 37 year old. Now as a married, father in his 30’s he has become worse. He works as a tradesperson and does not regularly shower and wears the same clothes for the whole week to work. He also does not buy new clothes and wears the same clothing from when he was a teenager. He constantly has dirty hands and an extremely offensive body odour. He is unable to look people in the eye when they speak – his eyes dart around and he makes no sense, his responses are incoherent and sometimes he actually makes up words which make no sense to the conversation. I have argued with my family for many years about his behaviour, habits and lack of respect he shows me when in my home. Basically, because I am the opinionated sister, my family have labelled me as a b**** and that I am talking behind his back. My father believes he should not go to a doctor for help as it is shameful and that as a family we can help him. My father becomes angry at me when I tell him this is not my responsibility, but my brothers wife and my parents should encourage him to seek help. On one social occasion a friend of mine asked if ‘that guy over there has Aspergers or something’ because they noticed his behaviour was unusual. I had to tell them he was my brother so they would not continue and embarrass themselves. At family dinners, he sometimes leaves the table and suddenly falls asleep on the couch and leaves his wife to care for their 3 children. I’m tired of the fighting and pleading with my parents to get him help and would appreciate if people could offer advice about how to set boundaries with my parents and other siblings to understand there is nothing I can do to help him if they are not willing to seek medical advice. I would also like to know if these are symptoms of mental illness or just personality traits I have to accept.

Britt1992 Husband left 6 weeks after our wedding but Says it’s not because of me. Says he wants to be with me but makes no effort to fix things
  • replies: 1

About a year before we got married, I started noticing some changes in my husbands mental health. I tried to get him to get help which he has done but inconsistently. He’s had a terrible childhood emotionally. He has an anxious attachment to his toxi... View more

About a year before we got married, I started noticing some changes in my husbands mental health. I tried to get him to get help which he has done but inconsistently. He’s had a terrible childhood emotionally. He has an anxious attachment to his toxic parents and that has been an issue in our relationship for years as I’ve always felt like I’m not his first priority. He started not coming home sporadically once he met this group of guys at his new job and has gone down a troubled path. I blindly put these changes down to cold feet and truly thought it would all settle once we got married. He begged me to keep the wedding on as he said it was the only thing keeping him going and he couldn’t wait to marry me. however after our wedding it was as if all the excitement was over and he spiralled into a sort of “come down”. Now 7 months later he’s moved out but says he just needs some time to get himself better on his own but still wants to stay married. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. In the last month things were looking so promising he was making slow but really good progress in himself and with me. 2 days before Christmas I needed emergency surgery. It was a scary time for me and not having him with me made it so much worse. He felt really horrible about not being there when I needed him most. Guilt is the emotion he struggles with most and now hasn’t spoken to me in 2 weeks. I’m beyond broken and confused and I miss my dogs (which he has) he won’t respond to me and after 7 months of this I am just feeling so lost and conflicted and rejected. My self worth has gone down the drain. I literally hate everything about myself I struggle to even leave the house. I don’t know how to start healing when I feel so deeply sad. I’m in limbo and all paths ahead just seem to hard.

Rbarts Feeling like a cloud is over me after breakup
  • replies: 7

Hello all hope you're doing well over the holidays, This started just over a week ago when my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me. She said her mental health wasn't great and didn't want it to affect me on top of a few other things (not enough in... View more

Hello all hope you're doing well over the holidays, This started just over a week ago when my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me. She said her mental health wasn't great and didn't want it to affect me on top of a few other things (not enough in common, two too different people), and it was a one-sided but mutual breakup and we still wanted to be friends. The week that followed was terrible and I was constantly doubting myself and what I could have done better to prevent it as well as remembering everything that was good during the relationship and missing it. I would overthink everything and contradict myself (thinking I was alright, to I want her back, to I want to be friends), this made me feel sick and exhausted all while I was messaging her. I eventaully told her all this and other things I felt and decided to put some distance between us and stop messaging for a bit. That helped and felt like a weight lifted off for a bit. But now I'm slowly getting this feeling of anxiety and something I cant describe. I'm now worried about if I made a mistake, I constantly think about what shes thinking, if she has already moved on and is talking with someone and that our 7 months together meant nothing. I constantly wish she would try and ask how im going or reach out to me again. At the same time I'm trying to reassure myself that it's fine and I'm enough and I'll find someone new when I'm ready. It's getting exhausting again and I miss being happy before all this. I've tried distracting myself with learning piano, working out and watching shows but it's not helping in the long run and I dont know how to cope with it. I just want my headspace to be how it was when it as good and not full of negative thoughts, doubts and imaginary scenarios.

EightPaws How to Meet New Friends?
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I am nearing 50, separated (and single), and have two teenages 50% of the time. Prior to separation I didn't prioritise myself. I worked full time, looked after the kids when I wasn't working, and took care of the housework. Any social engagements we... View more

I am nearing 50, separated (and single), and have two teenages 50% of the time. Prior to separation I didn't prioritise myself. I worked full time, looked after the kids when I wasn't working, and took care of the housework. Any social engagements were through my parenter. Post separation is a lonely place because I lost my identity and friends during my relationship. I'm trying to get back on track but I have very low self esteem and believe I don't have anything to offer friends. I really want to find meaningful friendships with like minded people. However, I'm a bit of an unusual woman in that I like doing things that are more masculine (outdoor / practical stuff). In additional I am extremely uncomfortable in social situations unless it is of a practical nature with a purpose. I get really anxious when I have to be social and I find reasons to run away. I would really like to hear suggestions for how to meet new friends, and how to do this in a way where I feel comfortable.