Unbearable wife

[Mr_Sad_Dad]

I am a good man, a good husband and a good father. I love my wife and do everything for her and our children. I get to work at home most of the time, so I do all our house chores (i.e. cooking, lunch prep for school, vacuum, laundry and dinner for when she comes home with the kids). I make time for us 1 on 1 however nothing I do seems to be good enough and I am constantly given smart remarks or criticised on all my efforts. We have been married for over 10 years now and no amount of gentle discussion to get her to see how her behaviour effects me gets through to her, so I am now at the point of wanting out of this marriage, I have endured this for over 3 years now. My heart breaks thinking about my kids and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this situation anymore. She is aggressive, moody and at times verbally abusive to myself and the kids. Out of my depth here and noone to talk to as whenever I try to talk about this to close friends, they just brush it off.

How should I best approach this situation?

[tranzcrybe]

This is a tricky one as you identify as doing everything right.
Subsequently you may be feeling deserving of praise that is not forthcoming.
And while this is indeed worthy of recognition, it takes on a different significance when it becomes an expectation.
Additionally, might your wife be feeling jealous of the current situation you seem to revel in where the constant reminders of how efficient you have been only compound her displeasure (paradoxically, as any reduction in workload should be a positive) thus invoking such rebuke?
You have tried to address how this affects you, but perhaps asking how this arrangement is damaging your relationship and how she is handling the present allocation of roles might yield some affirmative changes.
Of course there may be other factors involving her behaviour that are being overlooked by those nearest for want of such recognition.

[white knight]

Hi welcome 

I do know how you feel.

In my experience there is 3 types of spouse that gits your wife's category.

1. Lazy. My first wife watched on as I worked 3 jobs including shift work, changed more nappies than her and she was a stay at home mum by choice. It led to an attempt on my own life. 

2. Lack if awareness. Complacency. Believe it is not some people become so accustomed to the other person doing all the work they dont think about how exhausted they could be. Remedy is for them to experience crisis 

3. They are suffering a mental issue eg depression 

I certainly would seek counselling.  If she refuses to go then go alone however, if she doesn't go I wouldn't let her know any details of the meetings. 

It usually is a hairline difference between separation and happy marriage.  She could be taking your effort and workload for granted.

My advice based on my past relationships is to learn to casually delegate. "Darling do you mind taking out the rubbish whole I make the lunches?" And "Darling if I put on the washing could you hang it out"? The beauty of such reasonable requests is there is few reasons good enough to decline them.

TonyWK 

[Doolhof]

Hi Mr_Sad_Dad,

I'd like to suggest you phone support groups like Relationships Australia 1800 182 325, Mensline Australia 1300 789 978, Dads in Distress 1300 853 437 or Beyond Blue and Life Line, these support people will listen and offer you suggestions.

It is also wonderful  to receive acknowledgement and suggestions here from the community. Relationships can be so difficult at times. It sounds like you do so much around the home and also try to spend one on one time with your wife. 

Is it possible to find a time when you can be alone to sit down and discuss what is going on in your marriage with her? Would you both be open to a joint counselling session? That is not always an easy road to travel down either! If you choose this I hope you find a counsellor who is willing to openly discuss both people's point of view.

Wishing you well as you consider your options.