Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Always_worried Help with daughters lack of empathy
  • replies: 3

Hi All This is my first time posting on here but I just am stuck and really don’t know where else to go for help. My daughter has for the past 2 1/2 years had an eating disorder and all of my and her partner of 4 years energy has been put into watchi... View more

Hi All This is my first time posting on here but I just am stuck and really don’t know where else to go for help. My daughter has for the past 2 1/2 years had an eating disorder and all of my and her partner of 4 years energy has been put into watching and guiding her (with the help of professionals) to help her get on top of what is a horrible disease. She during the last part of last year was then also put on some antidepressants to help with anxiety (of which I also suffer from) My issue now is that in the last few months she has been pulling away from both of us and berating us for asking about her and generally caring for her well being. Last week she abruptly ended her 4 year relationship stating that she just doesn’t care or love her partner anymore. Our mother/daughter relationship is also suffering as I try and guide her through an uncertain time and she pushes away preferring to go out with her girlfriends (who didn’t have anything to do with her whilst she was at her lowest) and them telling me to back off and leave her to live while they celebrate “having their friend back” My question is do I sit back and watch this and assume that it is part of her recovery or is she just self sabotaging in another way? I am beyond worried to the point where my own mental health is suffering and I continually argue with her which ends with both of us getting upset. Any advice would be greatly received always worried

Jo97 Loneliness and hopelessness after separation
  • replies: 3

I am struggling to cope with being alone after a separation. Its been nearly 4 months and I feel completely lost. I don't have anyone I can call or visit at any time - the loneliness is unbearable. I have no hope and feel disconnected from everything... View more

I am struggling to cope with being alone after a separation. Its been nearly 4 months and I feel completely lost. I don't have anyone I can call or visit at any time - the loneliness is unbearable. I have no hope and feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I feel no joy, nothing good.

DDs She cheated with her brother in law for 10 years
  • replies: 8

Hi first time poster, thanks in advance for any advice. I just did discovered a few days ago my wife of 30 years has had a long term relationship with her brother in law. I think for 10+ years. I am absolutely heart broken and experiencing the full g... View more

Hi first time poster, thanks in advance for any advice. I just did discovered a few days ago my wife of 30 years has had a long term relationship with her brother in law. I think for 10+ years. I am absolutely heart broken and experiencing the full gambit of emotions plus physical symptoms not eating, not sleeping and confusion. I found out by finally having the guts to address the issue. I expected somethingwas up, so I looked at her phone a few days ago. She has been deeply in love with him and talks to him almost daily. I have had my issues over the last few year's, health wise I put on a lot of weight and mentally I have struggled with addiction. But in the last two years I no longer abuse substances and I have got fit and healthy again and lost the weight. I can see she has started to pull away from him and taking a new interest in me. I am so conflicted and confused now. I know she will say i changed and it's my fault so am mentally prepared to not accept that narrative. I also think if she wasn't happy with me she could have talked to me and supported me instead of running into his arms. So it's her brother in law...i think this type of affair is the worst kind because it's emotional, physical and in the family. Her sister is very successful and the have two children one with special needs, he's a keped man, attractive, the life of the party and I have always thought a player. He's prayed on her weakness and groomed her in my opinion. What can I do, I know there will be varing opinions? I haven't outed them yet, I haven't spoken to her yet... It's just so difficult for me. I love her like no one else, I can't imagine life without her. We have two adult children who need us and I will destroy her sisters family not to mention the special needs child. I almost want to see where this leads to see if she does in fact end it, then confront her....or if she continues I will just out them. I know it's hard to image staying with her but it's how I feel in my heart... I had my issues for a few years did I push her away. For clarity I never cheated on her, I have never hit or abused her in any way... I am a good man who had to work very hard to raise my family.. I resented her for not working I had to travel a lot to make better money, that started the downward spiral for me...i wish she had of just discussed it with me instead of running to him. The next step for me is so difficult to face I have just got my life, career and mental health back on track.

white knight Accepting minor flaws in a partner
  • replies: 3

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personali... View more

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personality and any other trait that's in their DNA. There is an infinite number of flaws humans have, when dealing with humans we are so individualistic that each situation is different, there is no hard and fast rule for couples. So I'll just give you a few examples of this to give you some idea of the dilemma we can find ourselves in- My wife of 10 years has a few flaws, as I do. I cook the meals and once cooked I'll call her and...waiting...waiting, no matter what, she has to finish whatever she is doing which usually are things she can delay like using a computer screen saver or stop weeding and resume later. So I resorted to calling her 10 minutes early and still I waited. So I began to eat my meal anyway and that was a lonely affair lol. See I am laughing as I tell you these things, 20 years ago I'd be off to the family counsellor! She also gets distracted. Once we were going out, dressed up we approached our car. Then in a flash she was gone. I went back inside, searched around and found her on the other side of the car pulling out a few weeds. Not only did she do something unexpected, she didnt tell me she was going to vanish. To balance the account, she has told me that (along with my bipolar moods) that I'm the most difficult person to "read". With the moods swings she never knows what mood I'm in, I'm not always aware I'm depressed for the first few hours or manic for a day or so. In fact my only indication of any mania is that I walk faster and only realise that because I tend to puff a lot more. I think the best transformation in this area of acceptance of your partners flaws is seeing the funny side. Now whenever she gets distracted I say "oh, we are weeding again are we". We both laugh about it. In fact this routine of laughter has become so amusing I've grown to be endearing towards that part of her nature. The longer we are together the more I expect the unexpected. For the last 3 months she has been occupied in our study doing "stuff". Today she presented me with 15 copies of my book of poems. I sat there in amazement flicking through 300 poems I'd written over 35 years complete with pictures. Laughing at another flaws can be a positive. Do you find it hard to accept another's flaws? TonyWK

MummaPetal Full time work struggle
  • replies: 2

Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to ... View more

Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to pay for home help I have been advised by my employer that they cannot offer me flexible work arrangements due to the business needs and eventually want me to work in the office full-time. I'm already exhausted now and cannot imagine trying to manage on reduced work/life balance. My exhaustion is both physical and mental. I want to work but I'm feeling overwhelmed with having to make a decision on my next step. I don't know where to go but I just want somewhere that's secure, part-time or flexible. I'm thinking that I should not have tried returning to the corporate world. I went back to the industry I was in prior to going on maternity leave. I want to have the flexibility to still feel like I can be part of the school community and not have to rely on before and after school care each day and be able to do some drop offs and pick ups. I'll be grateful for any advice from anyone or knows someone who has gone through a similar situation. Thanks.

jim222 life doesn’t feel the same, i probably need help but just can’t be bothered getting it
  • replies: 2

i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep un... View more

i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep until i exhaust myself by staying up, then i wake up and think about the things i’ve done wrong and the cycle continues, i try getting exercise but sometimes i just don’t feel up to it, i know i might need help but i’d rather not go that route, i feel as if i start getting better then i just remember things that hurt, i try talk to people but they have there own issues too and it’s not fair for me to always rely on them, idk what to do and everyday feels the same, i started trying to get better for one person then they left and that’s when i noticed maybe i need to get better for myself but then i just get dragged back into that hole i tried so hard to dig myself out off

PetaG123 At wits end
  • replies: 5

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but... View more

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but now it is all starting again. For years now I have kept quiet as I am just vilified more as the person with problem. I am not allowed to have an opposing opinion on anything otherwise made to feel stupid and uneducated. I am constantly ranting to myself at home or driving when alone as the hurt and anger is at boiling point. I keep making the mistake of helping our children financially and doing things for them. Then just treated as their punching bag. My partner has verbally abused me in front of not just our children but others as well. I have got to the point of just disappearing but I am in my mind 50s and have not worked for years due to depression and anxiety. I love my family dearly but do not feel that in return as the constant hurt they inflict makes me feel how they can care for a person but keep attacking them. I have started fighting back but only to escalate things. Honestly feel like a pressure cooker and scared.

Guest_2957 Scared of my ex friend
  • replies: 5

What can I do , I had a friend and now we are not friends. I am now scared of this person. Naturally because we were friends they have personal details of me know personal information because we were friends and I feel threaten they will use this per... View more

What can I do , I had a friend and now we are not friends. I am now scared of this person. Naturally because we were friends they have personal details of me know personal information because we were friends and I feel threaten they will use this personal information to inflict harm. I have changed my phone number and blocked them on social media just to try to get away from them. They have threaten they have video surveillance of me using a public road to drop my kids off at school however they believe I am driving past their house. I am not driving past their house I am using a public road that avoids heavy school traffic and lights to get my kids to school and to be able to come home quickly. I feel scared about my own privacy. I worry and feel anxious going out to the shops in fear of running into them. I've gotten to a point I just want to move towns. I feel sick with worry about what they will do next.

H2OMAN Dark Places
  • replies: 13

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am comp... View more

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am completely abandoned, alone and without any resources. Crippled by anxiety and in a place of deep, deep sadness all of the time, at 56 I never thought I would be in this place To give some context would take far too long, so I will summarise. In the last 18 months: Parents in law reneged on a house purchase from them which lost us 25 years of hard work and approx. $400k. Daughters marriage fell apart. Major client went broke and lost nearly $100k which has essentially sunk my business. Found out my wife had an affair 32 years ago and lied to me when I tried to discuss the matter with her. All of which has caused me significant anxiety and depression. Then to top things off my wife left 14 months ago and the family sided with her based on lies, false accusations and claims against me. I have tried for the last 14 months to deal with these things, to initiate counselling and mediation, to encourage contact with my 4 adult kids, but I have been marginalised and pushed aside with little to no contact. I did everything I could to reconcile things and shield people from difficulties between my wife and I, especially my daughter who was totally reliant on my wife for support during her separation. I bit my tongue and waited until she was in a better place before addressing my difficulties and the wife's behaviour so that it would not affect my daughter. Only to have everything distorted and be blamed for everyone elses problems and difficulties with no voice given to me, no right of reply, no consideration, and essentially abandoned. And now the wife has locked up all of our finances, I have little to no access to funds as she has hidden them and changed passwords etc. Yet am lumbered with credit card bills that I am expected to pay as well as service the property mortgage etc. In addition to this and the limited contact and interaction since they left the wife is now demanding that I move out of the property so that they can move back in to ready the property for sale. I'm absolutely heartbroken, I'm broken, broke and abandoned with little capacity to cope or to find a way forward. I can't afford legal advice and don't have anywhere to turn for help. I would appreciate any advice on what to do next. Thanks

Sad_but_hopeful How to keep the relationship going
  • replies: 11

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a... View more

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a 4yo daughter together. My son has previously been diagnosed ADHD and has been medicated for the last couple of years. The crux of everything really is that my partner doesn’t feel like myself or my parents (who look after the kids during the week while we are at work) are punishing my son effectively. He feels that my son pretty much gets away with everything and there are no consequences to his actions. I admit that I probably haven’t been as effective In punishment as I could be and I am looking to get it rectified. I try not to use it as an excuse, but I have tried to explain to my partner that I have been doing the best that I can, considering I work full time and I am also the one that cooks and does the household stuff, I get tired!! Now here is what my main issues is, my partner has basically said that because of the ongoing issues with my son and his behaviour, it is affecting his relationship with me! There is no affection whatsoever between us, I gave up a while ago trying for any intimacy at all (this includes things like hand holding, cuddling etc) and feel like we are pretty much housemates living together. Added factors include my partner working away regularly and having medical conditions that does make him tired. Now my question is, is he using the issues with my son as an excuse not to deal with the relationship? He seems to think that once we get things sorted with my son, our relationship will get back on track. My feeling is that even though we are going through things with my son, it shouldn’t stop us from having our relationship, being together and being intimate! I am at a loss and could use someone’s advice. P.s-i am going back to the paediatrician for further advice, partner doesnt want to