Long story short, my wife & parents do not get along, I put it down to different personalities & lack of understanding each other, my parents are simple easy going people but my wife has a more serious structured approach to things. Basically this causes friction, between both sides & i am continually stuck in the middle of it which is extremely hurtful depressing, my wife continually says i need to put her & my son first, which in her mind is to back her up & tell my parents off, when she is just as much if not more in the wrong, the final straw was in when we went on family trip to Fiji with my parents back in March things were going smoothly, until 4 days in we had dinner together & my parents didn’t offer to pay the bill, at the beginning i said split the bills as we were paying she made a comment to me saying your parents are tight asses & didn’t even get a free meal
out of them, i reacted by saying stop being childish i said split bill. The next morning we had a day trip planned together & she continued to make sly comments all day trying to get my parents to react, after the day had finished my wife went for a walk & my parents ordered room service for our son to our room, as i was feeding him my Mum knocked on my door to see if he got his food, i let her in as i shut the door my wife was outside & said great you shut the door in my face, this just set everything off i didn’t see her she then turned on my Mum saying she saw me coming & didn’t say anything they argued back & forth, as my Mum raised her voice my wife discreetly pulled her phone out to record her, while sitting calmly in the corner of the room with the intent to make my Mum look bad, my Mum left the room & my wife sent the footage back home to her family to have open commentary on it without knowing the full story of the drama my wife caused.
It is now July she won’t let my parents see my son, nor let me see them without putting up resistance, i cannot ring them at home nothing, she said to only speak with them 2 times a week, i speak to them through the week while i am on my way home from work & this still bothers her yet she speaks to her parents every day & expects me have more to do with her parents then my own parents.
I feel unless i cut ties with my family she will never be satisfied, it’s not going to happen so i am miserable.
i just want to be able to have my son see my parents & also freely talk & see them by flying up to visit as i live away from them.
True, you married your wife and have a duty to support the family demographic over matters concerning the interests of your union to reinforce devotion to each other and to protect and provide for your offspring.
However, the conflict here, as you mentioned, is a clash of personalities, and not liking those whom your wife doesn't like (particularly your parents) is really a bridge too far.
Both your wife and mother are likely to be equally culpable in their own contribution to the spat and you are indeed caught in the middle. Now, if mother's behaviour was invasive or expectational toward your wife, you could support her by presenting the facts (and vice versa) acting as mediator until everyone sees eye to eye.
But placing an ultimatum at your feet and depriving your parents contact with you and their grandson is nothing short of extortion - and on such a selfish level.
Somehow you need to impress upon her the respect you deserve by interacting as you see fit and being afforded the tolerance and acceptance of this common courtesy/right in the interests of family harmony and for the good of your child in the long term.
Hopefully you will choose your moment carefully and refrain from conflict. She may elect to avoid contact with your mother regardless as that is her right of discernment but this has no place extending to those uninvolved in the cause.
It certainly will be a challenge for you, but also a great opportunity if tackled in earnest and with compassion for your wife's point of view. Yes, it is possible to do both!