I am 22 years old and dealing with daily life seems like a chore. This is my story.
It really started with my first love, who I met a few years ago, during lockdown. I count my lucky stars that our paths crossed, because despite everything I'm about to say, he's a seriously good person.
So, he had bipolar, and the thing is, I'm an empath through and through, a heart the size of mountains, and I gave too much. So I've come out on the other side of our relationship with nothing left. He ended things because we argued so much. Many things occurred during this relationship that have left me traumatised, including having to terminate a pregnancy, while he was sipping cocktails in Spain. When I struggled with the fallout, he asked me why I couldn't "just get over it".
The thing is, he never hurt the way that I did, the way that I am. He's an incredibly likeable person, good looking, well connected... he makes friends everywhere he goes. So I feel like I'm left with trauma while he never had to give it a second thought. In fact, he moved on in a matter of weeks. I wonder if he ever truly loved me, or cared, or if he was just scared to be alone. Because he’s incredibly loyal, but does move from girl to girl. He has from a very young age.
While dating him, I put on a lot of weight, and at one point, he said that if we weren't together, no one would want to date me. It's been almost a year since the breakup, and I hate that he was right. I've lost a lot of the weight, but thanks to his comments and the trauma, I don't feel worthy. No one really notices me. The city I live in, you're nobody if you're not skinny. And everyone knows my ex in some way or another, and likes him, so I've never felt more isolated. We used to bond over music and music events, the one thing that seriously brought me joy in life, but now I’ve been stripped of that too, because of his connections, and I've got no one to experience them with.
The stuff with my ex would be bearable if I had a solid social circle, but for a reason I'm still trying to understand, I've never attracted quality friends, even though I've always showered people with kindness. This hurts just as much as the trauma from my ex. I'm starting to feel like something is severely wrong with me. I've always been told my day will come, for friends, love, etc.. but I don't think I believe that anymore. I feel like I've got no one and nothing to show for my 22 years of living. Other than, of course, severe pain and loneliness.
