I snooped on my daughter's phone and found out her stepmother undermines me

[AudreyOnTrack]

My daughter is 14. She and I have what I perceive to be a great relationship - she talks to me, laughs with me, tells me who she has a crush on, gets excited when we spend one on one time together, gets angry at me when I tell her "no" and every now and then comes and cuddles on the couch when we watch TV. She spends half her time with me, and half her time at her dad's house.

Her father has a wife and together they have three other children. My daughter loves her stepmother, referring to her as her "other mum". That's fine. But I started to have my suspicions about how her stepmother talks about me. There were little things, like my daughter saying things to me that she clearly hadn't thought of herself. Offering opinions that clearly weren't her own.

So I looked through her phone. Yes, I know that's not ok. I know it's private and that it was an invasion of privacy. It came from a place of genuine concern. 

I found that I was right, my daughter's stepmother openly and actively undermines me, says nasty things about me and seems to be trying to get my daughter to hate me.

Things I found:

1. Repeated instances of stepmother encouraging my daughter not to talk to me until I respond to messages stepmother sent me.

2. Screenshots of message I sent to stepmother and she makes fun of my good grammar ("I mean, why does she feel the need to write so formally, it's just a message, it's like she's trying to show off!) I'm a professional brand writer; it's just how I write.

3. Turning things I say into running jokes. For example, I had been encouraging my daughter to find a hobby to get her away from screens, and there were repeated instances of "haha, maybe that should be your hobby!".

4. Many, many times where stepmother says things like, "I mean, I should just ask your mum to come have a coffee with me so we can be friends, but your mum would never come", which, for the record, she has never done.

She also calls me rude. Now, to be honest, I am not the most friendly person to her, because I have had my suspicions for a long time about what has been going on. I am not overly friendly, I am polite, but never rude. 

I don't actually care what she says about me. But I do care that my daughter has this constant barrage of negative talk about me because it's never my daughter who instigates it, and she doesn't wholeheartedly engage in any of this. I want to put a stop to it.

What do I do?

[Sialani]

I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you, and I couldn't imagine how it must make you feel especially since how you found out. Yes, it should be private for your daughter to have that relationship and open communication with her stepmother, however, I hear and understand your concerns. It's never appropriate to have a child pick or speak in these ways behind your back or vice versa, have you thought about having an open and calm conversation with the stepmother regarding your own personal concerns and not having to bring up the snooping of how you found out etc? I know if you are both able to have a mature and confidental conversation and agreement on how you both feel and what you both would and wouldn't like in regard to how use speak or communicate about each other to your daughter could possibly make a difference but again it would require some uncomfortable feelings maybe and come across in certain ways to you both. But i would recommend being as open and clear with your concerns and requests moving forward between you both without the discussion of your daughter's phone as they both could use that against you or cause and put you in a hard place. What have been your thoughts in moving forward with this?

[AudreyOnTrack]

Thank you for your kind response. I have been thinking of having a discussion with my daughter about my concerns than asking directly if she would let me read the conversations between her and her stepmother. I assume she will say no, I wouldn't blame her. 

[Sialani]

Please be mindful that she may accuse you of looking already if she is suspicious as such when addressing the issue, if she says no do you think you will speak with the stepmother?

[tranzcrybe]

Your daughter is navigating a difficult course and doing her best to keep everyone onside - sometimes this means accepting and, from your investigations, appearing to condone unfavourable comments for the sake of keeping the peace.
Here is a situation where your insecurities might be interfering with faith in your daughter to make her own determination and trust in the love that you both share - it's not about being perfect or always centre stage in anyone's life and we all have our quirks.
Have courage that your daughter has been raised well and will respect both her 'mums' - she sounds mature beyond her years and will benefit from all encounters if so equipped.
I would not recommend you raise this with your daughter but encourage you to continue the conversation with her step mum if you feel underrepresented in her esteem.