Unsure how to share with my partner/am I selfish?

[G.P]

Hello! Unsure how to explainthis, but wanted to get it off my chest. I've been with my partner for 6 yrs, we've been engaged & living together for 6 mos. It’s the first time we're living together properly. Understandably there are things we're still learning & it's tough! Lately, we've been arguing a lot about sharing, specifically a car. He recently left his job which provided him with a company car, his new job doesn't. I have a car that I don't use often (driving anxiety, another discussion), but was unwilling to share until I was convinced by him. His point was that throughout the relationship he’s given, sacrificed & invested in our relationship, & that it should be simple for me to share & help him out easily. In truth, he has. By nature, he's a giver, generous & willing to help me, & at times he goes above & beyond. However his weakness is struggling to ask for help, & my weakness is struggling to give help easily. So by him asking for help, it was a big deal. His currency is giving, & he felt betrayed & extremely hurt because I was unwilling to help him for 1 yr to use the car, since he views it as an item that shouldn't have more value than him. That wasn't my intention, I can't pinpoint exactly why I was unwilling to share. He's a good driver, & he's given a lot. I think I felt as though he assumed that he had the right to use it w/out it being an issue for me despite him giving so much? Also sometimes I place sentimental connections to certain items without realising. I don't know. I was also worried about the logistics, finances (the new job pays him less, but guarantees him a qualification, we're planning a wedding for next yr) with one car between us. He'll split petrol use, rego, servicing, so I'm unsure why it's hard for me. Maybe because I feel that the car is mine, & I can't let that go even if he's contributing to costs? I get paranoid seeing the odometer go up, I know it's silly, even if that's what cars are for. I know I've also given a lot in this relationship, & it's been hard for me too. I know I don't give as easily & freely as he does, so am I selfish? Am I not being a good partner? The situation was kind of resolved, but I don't feel ok. The semi resolved solution= he'll get a new car in a yr, when he's got more money, as it's been guaranteed by his employer that he'll get a pay bump (he negotiated it during contract signing), & that we'll split maintenance costs. How can I feel less resentful towards this? 

[Croix]

Dear G.P.~

Welcome back to the Forum. It's good to hear from you again.

While it sounds great to have partner and plan on getting married and sharing your lives together I guess you are both finding out that it is a life-changing thing, and not all of it is either easy or comfortable.

If I remember right apart from driving anxiety you also have some ongoing physical pain to have deal with (forgive me if I've got that wrong)

Yes it is certainly your car, and maybe more than that. If one has difficulties driving - as in anxiety - it may well be something you might wish it's use was easier for you, so it can become a sort of personal goal -a symbol of what you are trying ot reach.

I hope that makes some sort of sense as it might mean the car is more than just a thing of metal that gets you from A to B, something another might not understand.

Do you think I might be on the right track?

As for you partner, it is a bit of an big assumption to think you will lend it, but then again most of the tme a giving person many well expect others to be like them -a sort of inbuilt expectation that if I give, the recipient is expected to give back.

I guess both of you have different points of view and I think it is excellent you have managed to work out a compromise, as I've found that is very much needed in a loving partnership. And no, it is not always reasonable to be happy about the compromise, that is where care for the other person can make things easier.

I've no real solution to your watching the odometer go up, it is as if you felt the car was being 'used up', which on most cars takes a fair bit of doing. Perhaps if your partner was to assist you in overcoming your anxiety over driving the pressure might be off.

I'm not quite sure how he might do that , perhaps you should boat seek advice together on how.

So what do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello G.P, everyone in a relationship has the right to share a prized possession, but they are also allowed not to if that's their preference, because you don't know when or how soon your partner will get a car from work, especially if he mentions this situation.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[G.P]

Part 1

Hi Croix,

Thanks for being open to listening to me again!

That's true, life is indeed an ever changing thing, and being coupled has its challenges, along with its benefits. Correct, I do have driving anxiety, however no physical pain (touch wood!) at this time. I didn't think of it like that, but it could be exactly that, a symbol of where I'd like to be, a sort of reminder for me to take action of my driving anxiety, which could also link to my sense of needing to have control over things and placing sentiments on objects, which I don't think he understands from me. It might also be that I see it as one of the few items left that I guess I can truly call my own in our household, since everything else is mostly shared. Or perhaps that I've had a fear that I will be taken advantage of when sharing (which has happened). Whatever it is, it's hard for me to let go

[G.P]

Part 2

And I guess now, somehow, I'll have to work through these feelings over the year without getting too triggered by it, because he does need it right now, and is short on cash to get one for himself. Either way I'll have to support for him. It's hard. Thank-you for your reassurance that the "what's mine is yours mentality" isn't always ok.  It's most relieving to hear that I'm not the only one who shares this opinion. I  felt that because of his insistence that I didn't really have a leg to stand on because of how adamant he was in saying that he's given and sacrificed a lot, and therefore I need to pay him in return with this favour. And that's exactly he's characteristic, that if he gives that the recipient gives back in return. And a part of me admittedly gives less because of that expectation, which is probably how it shouldn't work. The compromise is good for now, I'll just need to be conscious of this topic and be ok with not always being ok with the solution, because I'm still going through the motions of how I'll move forward with it. Thank-you again for reassuring me with these not so ok feelings on this compromise. But at the same time, my care for him is big. That's it, you've read my mind! it is the idea of it being 'used up' is what bothers me. I don't know why. I think him helping me to drive and being comfortable in (my) car will help, he has previously done so, and trying not to mull too much over it, despite the difficulty. 

Thanks Croix!

[G.P]

Hi Geoff, thank-your for listening and responding. As you mentioned there are 2 sides to the story - he can share the car with me, but I can also say no. I think I'm just working through the emotions of the decision that's been made. I can't help but worry what the year will look like, but also I have no control over the situation at this point. The topic has become a trigger point for both of us, and the best that I can do is to try and accept the situation as it is. I'm unsure how I can go about making peace with it all. 

Thanks again Geoff!

[Croix]

Dear G.P.~

No, it is not always the case that's what's mine is yours, or you owe me because I did such and such.

It's OK to dig you heels in, not if it is just to hurt someone of course, but if there are reasons.

You do have reasons, not everyone will understand if you explain, but they are real to you and you are entitled to them. One Id expect is maybe feelng a bit swamped , wiht all the things that were yours alone - and in a way part of you -are being swallowed up.

You have gone a long way in being generous and understanding, a sacrifice. and perhaps if there was some way of getting him to realise how much it is costing you in worry and unhappiness he may at least admire and be grateful for your sacrifice.

I'd imagine that understanding could help you future relationship. How to do htat I"m not sure. I think I might have a third party involved if it was me, in other words a little relationship counseling so the matter is complexly examined and validated. I don;t know how you would feel abut that.

I can suggest:

Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277

If you wanted to go that way.

Basically the more the pair of you appreciate and understand each other the better.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello G.P, even though he shares expenses for the car, still doesn't mean you have to give him the car.

You don't know how he drives it when you aren't with him and that's always a problem when lending someone a personal item.

I would never lend my chain saw to anyone, simply because it always came back with a blunt saw or it was damaged and cost me more money to repair it than to help a friend out.

No matter how much they said they would take care of it, the promise was never honoured.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[G.P]

Thanks Croix, in truth I still feel a bit hurt by it all. And I appreciate that my opinion isn't isolated in this instance. The feelings and the opinions are indeed real to me, and the sense of being swallowed up by this new shared life is challenging. He means a lot, but also sometimes it doesn't feel that way, all at the same time. 

Thank-you for saying that, I do feel that on my part that this is indeed a sacrifice and a way that I've been generous to him, without the will to completely do so on the terms I'd prefer. I know there's still a long way to go in me being able to compromise with this decision, and it is perhaps communication and understanding that will need to be worked through between us. A counsellor/third party could be a good idea, and may even prepare us for marriage, I'll think about this further and what my options are here. 

G.P 

[G.P]

Thanks Geoff, what you've also said I think is also part of the issue - trust. While I'm away I won't know what is happening. I know he'd take responsibility if something happens to it, but I'm also sure that I'd have to cover some of that expense to help. I guess I'll somehow need to learn to trust him throughout and just hope that everything gets back to me all in one piece. I think what's hard for me is the expectation that I'm his partner and because of that I have to provide and support him where I can. I suppose that's what a relationship is? I'm quite sure he'd do the same if I was in trouble, he's done so before. I'm just so torn. 

G.P