Unsure how to share with my partner/am I selfish?

[G.P]

Hello! Unsure how to explainthis, but wanted to get it off my chest. I've been with my partner for 6 yrs, we've been engaged & living together for 6 mos. It’s the first time we're living together properly. Understandably there are things we're still learning & it's tough! Lately, we've been arguing a lot about sharing, specifically a car. He recently left his job which provided him with a company car, his new job doesn't. I have a car that I don't use often (driving anxiety, another discussion), but was unwilling to share until I was convinced by him. His point was that throughout the relationship he’s given, sacrificed & invested in our relationship, & that it should be simple for me to share & help him out easily. In truth, he has. By nature, he's a giver, generous & willing to help me, & at times he goes above & beyond. However his weakness is struggling to ask for help, & my weakness is struggling to give help easily. So by him asking for help, it was a big deal. His currency is giving, & he felt betrayed & extremely hurt because I was unwilling to help him for 1 yr to use the car, since he views it as an item that shouldn't have more value than him. That wasn't my intention, I can't pinpoint exactly why I was unwilling to share. He's a good driver, & he's given a lot. I think I felt as though he assumed that he had the right to use it w/out it being an issue for me despite him giving so much? Also sometimes I place sentimental connections to certain items without realising. I don't know. I was also worried about the logistics, finances (the new job pays him less, but guarantees him a qualification, we're planning a wedding for next yr) with one car between us. He'll split petrol use, rego, servicing, so I'm unsure why it's hard for me. Maybe because I feel that the car is mine, & I can't let that go even if he's contributing to costs? I get paranoid seeing the odometer go up, I know it's silly, even if that's what cars are for. I know I've also given a lot in this relationship, & it's been hard for me too. I know I don't give as easily & freely as he does, so am I selfish? Am I not being a good partner? The situation was kind of resolved, but I don't feel ok. The semi resolved solution= he'll get a new car in a yr, when he's got more money, as it's been guaranteed by his employer that he'll get a pay bump (he negotiated it during contract signing), & that we'll split maintenance costs. How can I feel less resentful towards this? 

[geoff]

Hello G.P, if the car was involved in an accident, and I hope this doesn't happen, then it would be expected that your insurance would be involved, meaning that your premium would rise and if down the track you want to sell the car, then it might be noticed that it's been involved in an accident and reduce the price they are offering.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Juliet_84]

Hi G.P,

I think the main reason we may be unwilling to share in relationships is because we are afraid of getting hurt, it’s self preservation. No one wants to freely give out their possessions, in this case a car, and have a million miles put on the clock and the usual wear and tear of increased driving and then you split up and are worse off. But the problem

 with this mentality is that we inadvertently attract the very thing that we are afraid of, our unwillingness to share eventually rubs off on the giving person who wonders why they are putting themselves out there for someone who hoards their possessions to themselves, over time it breeds mistrust in both parties who become increasingly paranoid and then more mistrustful as the relationship stability is eroded. I think a lot of partners have problems adjusting to this new “ours” mentality but it really is necessary for the health of your relationship. To foster this, are you

able to do something such as get a joint account so there is a less “mine” and yours mentality?

[G.P]

Hi Juliet_84, thanks for sharing and adding in your insight. Admittedly I am afraid, perhaps of getting hurt or something else. You've explained it well, in our arguments he has brought this up, that he feels that he's invested in me, but is it really worth it? The adjustment is difficult, and eventually we'll have to work our away around it as we continue to live together. I think he's less afraid and all in, whereas I'm still a little hesitant at times and have my moments of doubt. 

The joint account is a good idea, and something we haven't yet done, but it could be a place to start with helping resolving something like this.

Thanks again!

G.P

[Petal22]

Hi G.P

Im sorry this is happening.

But I think it’s great that you have recognised some behaviours in your self.

Sometimes when we begin to do our inner work we can acknowledge where these thoughts and feelings are coming from and sometimes it has nothing to do with the present moment.

Maybe you have carried this behaviour through out your life? 

Maybe from childhood?

The emotions can still remain.

Sometimes when we do our inner work we can begin to realise where this is stemming from and you could choose to forgive the people involved from that time or forgive yourself and then choose to let it go.

If there are emotions attached you can feel these it will help to cleanse the body and release the energy.

Looking at it from the present maybe if you can release the energy from the past it will help you to move forward and through what is happening in the present.

🙏

[G.P]

Hi Petal22,

Thanks for your input and empathy here. I agree that there's a need for me to do some inner work on this, and it's not necessarily what its presented itself as with this current problem. Scanning back into my past, I think that is something that I've carried through my life on a smaller scale, and it could be exacerbated by living with my partner 24/7. The emotions do indeed still remain. 

Thank-you for suggestion on releasing the energy from the past, and forgiving myself in that past time. I will  frame. I will try this and use it as a way to move on and move forward.

Thanks,

G.P.