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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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rhinoceros Where to from here? Left an abusive relationship, dealing with collateral damage.
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone I left my ex nearly 7 months ago now. Based on the reading and research I've been doing, it appears she was a covert-malignant narcissist. I tried everything I could to make the relationship work, but in the end nothing I did was enough. ... View more

Hi everyone I left my ex nearly 7 months ago now. Based on the reading and research I've been doing, it appears she was a covert-malignant narcissist. I tried everything I could to make the relationship work, but in the end nothing I did was enough. I was with this person for 5 1/2 years. I spent nearly all that time in fight/flight/freeze mode, not knowing what mood she would be in on a given day, what was expected from me, or whether she'd be kind to me or cold and silent. There was a lot of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse, where I felt completely dehumanised at times. I left because the mental health toll the relationship was taking meant I was becoming so depressed that I no longer felt safe. When I left her I had to deal with stalking etc. It was very scary. I'm now slowly on the path of recovery. I'm getting therapy. My stress levels are nowhere near as high any more. My ex has left me alone now. I've made positive changes to my lifestyle i.e getting exercise, trying to stay social as much as I can. The collateral damage is complete lack of confidence and self esteem. She took all that away. I think about the possibility starting a new relationship for example, and I find just the thought of it completely terrifying. I don't trust anyone. Additionally my ex was very controlling. Before her I had many female friends. I lost touch with many of them, so my social circle is small now. Mentally I feel fatigued. I'm only 29 but I honestly feel like this relationship too about 20 years off my life. I'm mentally exhausted. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? How did you move on? Is it even possible to trust/love again? I apologies for whinging! I'm having a bad day today and trying to make sense of it all.

Doberman38 Dad doesn't take urgent issues seriously, gets angry when we want them addressed
  • replies: 5

This doesn't apply to everything, and I know that certainly in an emergency he wouldn't hesitate, but when it comes to the electrical and plumbing systems of the house he shows little desire to get them fixed, despite numerous problems. A pipe has be... View more

This doesn't apply to everything, and I know that certainly in an emergency he wouldn't hesitate, but when it comes to the electrical and plumbing systems of the house he shows little desire to get them fixed, despite numerous problems. A pipe has been leaking water for ages, while lightbulbs are failing one by one and our safety switch has tripped multiple times. He hardly takes anything I say about these things seriously, because he attributes it all to my anxiety and thinks I'm just being influenced by my mum. In fact, he becomes LESS inclined to do something about it. My concerns are not delegitimised just because I have anxiety, and when I bring it up to him I am calm but firm, NOT panicking, but he treats it all the same. I love him but I've had enough of my input being invalidated in this way.

bethysocks92 Having an avoidant and emotionally unavailable partner
  • replies: 1

I never thought I could feel such sadness, turmoil, heartbreak and a lack of self worth and appreciation with someone. I have been with my partner for nearly 6 months and it has been a soaring rollercoaster of emotions every single day. In the beginn... View more

I never thought I could feel such sadness, turmoil, heartbreak and a lack of self worth and appreciation with someone. I have been with my partner for nearly 6 months and it has been a soaring rollercoaster of emotions every single day. In the beginning he pursued me and wanted only me. We then wanted a relationship. Little did he know what was involved. For someone who hasn't been in a relationship with someone for more than 3 months, hadn't lived alone for majority of his life and adores his personal time and space, this was daunting to him. He didn't realise this until being in a relationship with me. My emotional and physical needs are not being met right now. He has his own issues/ development he needs to process and work through. I am trying really hard to understand. Being an empath I'm drawn in and just want to help, but sometimes this is at the expense of me too. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should leave him be and let me be for my own sanity and to regain my sense of self worth and happiness back, but I care for him deeply. But why stay if he can't give me what I need right now? I know he is emotionally unavailable right now. So, here's one to anyone out there experiencing or going through the same or similar thing.. how do you cope? what are some strategies? what do or did you do in your situation?

Tanya_P Suddenly paranoid and depressed partner
  • replies: 2

I have also been with my partner for 2 years, but up until 2 months ago, you would not have known that he even had depression, let alone paranoia. He has always been a very happy-go-lucky chap and very positive. I just don't understand the sudden cha... View more

I have also been with my partner for 2 years, but up until 2 months ago, you would not have known that he even had depression, let alone paranoia. He has always been a very happy-go-lucky chap and very positive. I just don't understand the sudden change in personality, and its hitting me very hard as I am back 3 months ago when we were still so happy and very much in love, and he is here where we are now accusing me of things I didn't do, his thoughts are extremely bizarre and disorganised, and he has very angry sudden outbursts. I just don't understand how we got from where we were to where we are now, almost overnight. He goes out gambling, which he never did before, he is working all day and then comes home and does UberEats at night to get more money. He is obsessed with power and feels like he is lower than low in class, and to the best of my memory, I have never intentionally made him feel this way. When he starts to falsely accuse me of things, I try to shift the topic to something else, but he persists often and we end up fighting because I have to deny his accusations because they hurt so much. Has anyone experienced such a sudden change in personality? Will he go back to how he was before or is this our life now? He was seeing a local psychologist, but has decided that he doesn't trust them. He is now looking for a new one, which will delay treatment even longer. He has made a telehealth appointment with the GP for tomorrow at least to ask for some antidepressants. Hopefully, they will give them to him and they will make a difference. Has anyone had any experience with this?

Bridget_Anne I chose integrity & respect of myself in relationships & have now have no true connections.
  • replies: 2

If only I could go back to the 1990's. Connected times with the best friend I ever had & family. After trying to connect with people I am exhausted psychologically. I am now in a place in my life where I do not want to give very much of anything to l... View more

If only I could go back to the 1990's. Connected times with the best friend I ever had & family. After trying to connect with people I am exhausted psychologically. I am now in a place in my life where I do not want to give very much of anything to life in general. I do however make sure I get up & keep going every day. What for I am not sure, I guess just for myself

Lalalalola My first post
  • replies: 2

Hi, this is my first post. I’ve been struggling really bad the last few weeks, more so than usual, I’ve found myself coming on to this website frequently trying to get up the courage to speak to someone but kept logging off as the wait was too long. ... View more

Hi, this is my first post. I’ve been struggling really bad the last few weeks, more so than usual, I’ve found myself coming on to this website frequently trying to get up the courage to speak to someone but kept logging off as the wait was too long. but if background, I’ve been with my partner for 12.5 years and we have 2 kids together our youngest is 4, and he has adhd and is autistic. Our eldest is 9 and I suspect she has adhd but getting a diagnosis hasn’t been easy. Unlike my son who was diagnosed easily. My partner has depression, anxiety, ptsd from his childhood and the doctor suspects he is also bipolar. I suffer from depression and anxiety, so we are a super fun household!!

Angel223x Lost and defeated
  • replies: 3

I recently separated from my ex wife about two months so unfortunately only being married 3-4 months, We’d been together for 5+ years but neither one of us were happy, We have a two year old daughter which I haven’t seen in over a month due to my ex ... View more

I recently separated from my ex wife about two months so unfortunately only being married 3-4 months, We’d been together for 5+ years but neither one of us were happy, We have a two year old daughter which I haven’t seen in over a month due to my ex partner completely ghosting me I have no idea where or what they’re doing, I’ve lost my little best friend my heart aches every single day how can you go a day without your child let alone an entire month I miss her so much it is exhausting mentally and emotionally.

Naomisk1 Sister withdrawing from family
  • replies: 8

My sister is a shy person and I know she enjoys time to herself but when she started high school she gradually started talking to me less. It's been a few years since then and now we basically don't talk. We used to be best friends and would have sle... View more

My sister is a shy person and I know she enjoys time to herself but when she started high school she gradually started talking to me less. It's been a few years since then and now we basically don't talk. We used to be best friends and would have sleepovers every other night. She has virtually no confidence and I sometimes think it's because of me putting too much pressure on her to make friends in high school which makes me feel so guilty. When she started high school she was shy but still so bubbly and happy at home and when I would see her at school. She hardly talks to our parents either and my mum doesn't know what to do. Around a year ago I asked her if she was feeling ok and she said she was feeling fine and sounded very confused why I asked. I don't know what I should do next because her personality has changed so much and now she just stays in her room all day and doesn't leave to eat until 3-4pm sometimes.

white knight Jealousy (material items)
  • replies: 6

The thing I find fascinating about jealousy is that few people that are jealous ever acknowledge they are. Some might observe a neighbour with their shiny new car or roll up in a vintage sports car. Then they feel uneasy, they might in their mind cri... View more

The thing I find fascinating about jealousy is that few people that are jealous ever acknowledge they are. Some might observe a neighbour with their shiny new car or roll up in a vintage sports car. Then they feel uneasy, they might in their mind criticise them "only on one wage and they are buying a sports car". Welcome to jealousy. The amusing thing about it is that it is all very normal. We want what others have, we even justify ourselves for our feelings by suggesting they dont deserve it. All these emotions are normal. However, are they always normal and can they be dangerous? Jealousy- meaning- "a feeling of unhappiness caused by wanting what someone else has". Envy is very similar. The danger in jealousy can lead to conflict, mess with your thoughts and even end with a serious law breach. So we cant under estimate its effect upon us. How do we counter it if we acknowledge that our jealousy is rampant? Well, if we develop the kindness we have to include compassion for others, thats one way. In our minds we can wish them well, be happy for them. We can then embark on goals to reach a similar position of owning such possessions. So that process- accepting your jealousy as being normal, feeling happiness for the other person that they reached a goal, developing similar goals and planning to achieve it. Jealousy is not dissimilar to many other feelings in that sometimes these common reactions need management. The theme wanting an item someone else has purchased is ok, it's when those emotions overflow, go beyond the norm is when it has developed to become a problem. EG Your neighbours new sports car costs $60,000. After a few weeks of agonising over wanting a similar car you sign the dotted line and raise your debt $50,000 to take delivery of one. Your neighbours kids are grown up, he's retired and his work payout paid for the car. You have two young kids, one wage and a high mortgage. You can see where I'm coming from. I'm 66yo. I have a friend that went through these feelings (to buy an expensive motorcycle) when his wife was pregnant with their first child. He wanted a car like mine. I suggested he "wait till his kids are grown up" his answer "no, I want it now".Such has the latest generations changed from waiting to getting it NOW. That friend now has 4 young sons and one child on the way. You cant have everything anytime. So jealousy has its ramifications at the extreme. Dont punish yourself if you want what others have got, its quite ok TonyWK