Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

adamc Dad's Easily Frustrated And Won't Do Anything About It
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My dad's 70-years old and I've noticed he gets easily frustrated over the tiniest things. He also has health issues but is happy to just tolerate them. For example, when an ATM didn't give him a receipt he just blurts out "Things just keep going wron... View more

My dad's 70-years old and I've noticed he gets easily frustrated over the tiniest things. He also has health issues but is happy to just tolerate them. For example, when an ATM didn't give him a receipt he just blurts out "Things just keep going wrong today!!" Also, he has electric gardening tools like a line trimmer and a blower and he's always complaining about dragging leads around and sometimes throwing them to the ground in frustration and each time I offer to replace them with lead-less ones, he refuses saying "No, I will persevere with them." Back in December, he walked out the door in the middle of the afternoon and didn't come back till the next morning. My mum hurt her foot in December and while doing the dishes, he said "I won't have to put up with it any longer" and when I asked him why, he just plainly responded "Don't worry about it." Sometimes I just get the impression that instead of having his problems fixed, he'd just prefer to complain about them and how he has to put up with it.

white knight Jealousy- (personal relationships)
  • replies: 7

Who wouldnt be jealous of anyone giving our partner extraordinary attention? Maybe not everyone would be concerned but add offering their phone number or them asking personal questions and it's a different ball game. Questions like "are you REALLY ha... View more

Who wouldnt be jealous of anyone giving our partner extraordinary attention? Maybe not everyone would be concerned but add offering their phone number or them asking personal questions and it's a different ball game. Questions like "are you REALLY happy". I recall this once when in a past relationship and my partner and I were new in town, a village really and I had joined the local fire brigade. The wife of a colleague got more talkative at each social event before she finally sprung that question on me. She hadnt even met my partner. Being loyal (and happy then) I informed my partner and the rage she felt was astonishing. As she said "I have a right to feel jealous- dont I". She did, actually trust wasnt an issue, infringing on her man was. It really dawned on me that the woman was probing to establish my "availability". So, as the recent thread (Jealousy- material items) stated, jealousy without an extreme feeling is normal. If someone is envious of what you have then that usually creates a defensive reaction. But there is many more daily jealousies born from simple observations of the sex preference you have. A happily married man observing a lady at work can feel jealous of her partner even though there might not be any desire to "stray". We have here on this forum members over the years that have had a crushes like this. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/married-and-have-a-crush-on-some-from-work---please-help-me- The "grass is greener" syndrome is a serious one that can lead to ruining marriages. More often than not these crushes never eventuate more than what they are but when the crush moves towards an action of some sort there is always turmoil. Feelings of both parties in a committed relationship- the one that has a crush on him/her by a work colleague and the partner learning of its existence. Again both individuals in the marriage have normal feelings- discomfort and jealous respectively. However it is only an issue if the established trust boundaries are broken and all communication is open about it if it is ongoing. It's a nice feeling being liked, but there is ways of enforcing your relationship rules to avoid a crush from getting anywhere, even generating temptation. Dont attend xmas breakups if you know a crush will be there and so on. Your partners jealousy might well be normal but the powderkeg of emotions will surface quickly if it appears intrusive. TonyWK

Nocturne92E Not sure how to process my husband’s secret
  • replies: 15

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 9 years. It was my birthday earlier this month and I was sneaky and snooped in his emails to see what I would be getting for my birthday. I found some emails of purchase confirmations f... View more

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 9 years. It was my birthday earlier this month and I was sneaky and snooped in his emails to see what I would be getting for my birthday. I found some emails of purchase confirmations for some foundation and makeup and was mildly surprised that he would want to get me that. Anyhow, I received no makeup for my birthday… and so tonight I decided to investigate further, and found multiple purchases that were being sent to a parcel locker. The only place where he knows I wouldnt usually get to was his car so while he was in the shower I checked and found some high heels hidden in his boot. My mind was just totally scattered… was he cheating? But then I went back and checked the shoeboxes and they were in his size… my mind is blown and I just can’t seem to gather my thoughts. Our marriage is fairly sexless and we’ve spoken on and off about seeing someone about this as I do feel like it is affecting me mentally (particularly as we keep saying we want to try for another child…). I don’t know what this means… is he gay? If I say something will it ruin our marriage? I was totally wrong to snoop but I’m also angry that he’s kept something from me… but I don’t know if I want to face whatever comes next if I confront him…but I don’t know how to move on as if I know nothing… and if I say nothing I’m worried I’ll eventually kill my love for him…. What do I do???

ChiRoseOne Messed up a friendship few months back after mixing alcohol and anti depressants, now feel isolated from friend group.
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I’m OCD and I started taking anti depressants ~6 months ago for it. Drank a lot one night and ruined my life at the time. Ruined a friendship, had to quit my job because of stuff I said. Now all my friends are going to this other friends birthday tom... View more

I’m OCD and I started taking anti depressants ~6 months ago for it. Drank a lot one night and ruined my life at the time. Ruined a friendship, had to quit my job because of stuff I said. Now all my friends are going to this other friends birthday tomorrow and I feel isolated because I was not invited, even though they say they forgive me for what I said. I just hate my life rn. Have for the last ~10 years. Have felt super lonely for basically that entire time, like I have no one to talk to. No one who understands me or wants to be with me. I know this is a lot of self pity rn but I just feel like crap.

Ruth-07621 Want to leave partner.
  • replies: 16

Hi, wondering if anyone has any experiences with this they could shed some light for me?! I have been planning to leave my partner for a few months, actually made the decision. He smokes weed alot and emotionally abusive. Not full on but enough to ma... View more

Hi, wondering if anyone has any experiences with this they could shed some light for me?! I have been planning to leave my partner for a few months, actually made the decision. He smokes weed alot and emotionally abusive. Not full on but enough to make me cry alot, not love him anymore and want to leave. I have been working casually and also studying. I have low self esteem and have found it hard to get another job to support myself. My plan was to get full time work and pay rent myself but the situation is getting more urgent to leave. It is so toxic here. I am thinking about asking my parents if I can move in with them until I get a f/t job. It's just , I'm in my early 30's now which for one makes me feel ashamed I haven't got my life together and two I feel like such a burden on them. I have moved in and out of their place in the past , leaving another partner on and off. My dad said not to come back, kinda jokingly but... now I don't want to ask. My parents don't know anything about what I've been going through here and I'm considering just telling them the truth. I just feel so ashamed of my situation. What would you do?!!

Sad&Confused My Husband has been cheating on me since before our wedding
  • replies: 6

About 5 weeks ago I found out my husband had a 4-5 year long affair. This affair commenced in the year we got married and has only just ended last year. There has also been a number of online flirtations and inappropriate conversations with various w... View more

About 5 weeks ago I found out my husband had a 4-5 year long affair. This affair commenced in the year we got married and has only just ended last year. There has also been a number of online flirtations and inappropriate conversations with various women, visits to prostitutes and happy ending massages. Our new baby was just 11 weeks old. I am really struggling with anxiety and depression from this and while I love my baby I feel like she is added stress I cannot deal with. I feel like my self worth is in the toilet. And like I am a terrible mother. My husband swears it was just easy access to sex and he loved and still loves me. He has some shitty childhood traumas and alot of this stems from that. I have been with this man for 17 years and I do love him. I want to make it work but I am so sad about the fact our whole marriage started on a lie. We are both seeing individual psychologists and a couples psychologist. I have never felt so lost, alone, ashamed, embarrassed and sad in my whole life. I do not know what to do

shanna_d Family issues/brother’s GF
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Today was so upsetting for me. I was ganged up on by my own brother and his GF. His GF always points out things I do wrong which I don’t, and I’m always helping out whenever I can. My brother has since changed since his GF came into the picture. She ... View more

Today was so upsetting for me. I was ganged up on by my own brother and his GF. His GF always points out things I do wrong which I don’t, and I’m always helping out whenever I can. My brother has since changed since his GF came into the picture. She is very manipulative and gets him on her side to turn against me. I’ve tried so hard to be nice to her and once I thought she was being nice to me too, but now I realise it was all just to get in with the family. I don’t know how to feel right now. I was bullied enough at school. But I never thought my own flesh and blood would turn on me the way he did just to please his GF. Before she came along, he used to back me up 100%. He would defend me and get really mad if someone gave me a hard time. I haven’t done anything wrong. Yet they both ganged up on me for no reason at all. She has mental illness, medical problems, family issues etc and i feel bad for her, but that’s not my fault. We welcomed her into our home because of her family issues, but now it doesn’t seem very good anymore. Each week his GF would say bad things to me and my mum can count the amounts of things she says to me on one hand. She blew up at her today because of it and confronted them both. I was in tears the whole time. My dad was angry too. But my brother defended her and not me. Even though deep down he knew my mum was right about how she was treating me. It was horrible. I’m shocked and I have no idea how to feel right now. I’ve been so kind to her. But she doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know what’s going to happen now and I’m scared. I’m upset and I don’t know what’s going to end up happening. We’ve all been through enough already. My mum was in and out of hospital last year because she was ill, and this year our dog has something wrong with his eyes and has to see the vet, which only makes my anxiety even worse. Plus we are struggling financially sometimes and I’m trying to find a job. I just want brighter days ahead. Because right now it feels like a giant dark cloud just hung over us and doesn’t want to go. That explains the weather today too, ironically. If there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I can’t seem to find it right now. I’m praying we get closer to it soon. But I don’t know when that will be. All I can do is hold my breath and pray. Which is what I do every day.

Bibbetyboo Feeling hopeless.
  • replies: 7

I left my ex because he was really controlling and abusive in a short time. we have a son He’s rearranged everything we agreed to in mediation to suit himself + his new girlfriend which he’s just confessed. Apparently he’s been seeing her for 5 month... View more

I left my ex because he was really controlling and abusive in a short time. we have a son He’s rearranged everything we agreed to in mediation to suit himself + his new girlfriend which he’s just confessed. Apparently he’s been seeing her for 5 months and is getting his health checks under the guise of being a fit parent, but not to our son, to the one he plans on having with the other “girl” in less than 12 months. He’s 52 and if he has another baby 8 months out of our break down, he will now have 3 families to 3 different woman with 4 children living paycheck to paycheck and barely bonding with our DS. As the primary carer his inability to be flexible is starting to cause problems and when it comes to a third party, he just lies. He lies to the courts and to the mediator. I dont have a car, he can’t take our son primarily because he says “im too lazy” but also he works 4 days a week. the other days i found out are being spent in the city with his new GF and he’s been lying. Christmas he didn’t contact me or his son because he was secretly off with his new girlfriend for 5 DAYS! he lied and said he was at work. For weeks since then, he ditches time with his son claiming work is hectic and messes up child rearing payments because he needs money to take his new girlfriend out for valentine’s day then lies to me about it. I cant go back to school because of time constraints, can’t get a job any more than 2 days a week because he wont negotiate which gets us financially nowhere. On at least 3 - 4 occasions in the 4 months he has known his son, he just hasn’t turned up to pick us up and left us stranded in 28 degree sun, stonewalled me told his son he will call then doesn’t or just simply says “NO” to come and see his son with no reason. He hasn’t provided income for us until last September. I am so poor. I have spent all my savings (12,000) on our son. He hasn’t built a bond with his son and appears to be replacing time with his son that he sent me a lawyer to get, with another woman. I’m so saddened that this person seems to be bother economically bullying me. He makes low ball remarks about what i can and cant afford and appears to be quickly making plans to replace me as a mother as well as stealing my dreams and settling in my home town and eventually making good on his promise to take our son off of me for no valid reason but that I am so poor and because of his inflexibility and unwillingness to provide finances to centrelink, im totally screwed.

Husband_and_Dad_to_Unhapp Hard staying married when the long-term outlook seems so hard
  • replies: 7

Hey BB team! My wife has experienced complex post-natal depression for the majority of the past 7 years, with much of that time involving hospitalisation with our first and second child. Diagnosis has included depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and most... View more

Hey BB team! My wife has experienced complex post-natal depression for the majority of the past 7 years, with much of that time involving hospitalisation with our first and second child. Diagnosis has included depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and most recently, bipolar - although it seems they are struggling to commit to an explanation with so many overlapping traits. I consider myself fairly resilient and have played the role of mum/dad/carer throughout this time which has eroded my own mental wellbeing and relationships with family and friends in a way that I did not see. This was notable during an 18 month period when I was spending a lot of time working away from home and I would find I would revert back to being a happy and relaxed person, but coming home pulls me down again. I don't mean to sound unfair, but I rationalised it in line with the theory that we are most like the 5 people we spend most of our time with - and I was spending the vast majority of my time propping up someone who was in a very poor state of mental wellbeing. I'm a believer in the commitment of marriage, I can't blame my wife for being overshadowed by an illness that I'm sure she feels the impact of far more than me. My concern is that my resilience is failing, and I'm starting to see the red flags that have been there frequently over the past few years. 1. Would I cheat on my wife: Yes, in the unique circumstances. I have felt overwhelmingly lonely for years. We live in a sexless marriage, which makes me feel guilty and almost like a sex perv to raise - but that's what brings me a sense of connectedness. I know sex out of marriage likely won't offer what I'm missing, but I still wonder if it could fill this long-term void - although it is an unlikely event as intent/availability/vulnerability don't usually align. Nonetheless, a concerning self awareness. 2. I fantasise about life outside the relationship. I'm not talking about sexy bikini girls half my age, I'm talking about the wholesome mum look, the kind of lady I'd like to see every day and to be a mum to my kids in the cliche of normal. I'm not happy with my family dynamic and fantasise about something better. 3. I'm emotionally disconnected. For the first few years I would get upset and empathetic, but to keep going I have learnt to detach. It now feels like after so long and such damage to the relationship that although I value my wife's terrific companionship, our relationship is overcome by sadness.

Blue69 Emotional abuse
  • replies: 7

I have 5 kids. Not to current partner. Son in primary school lives with me and I’m banned from my other kids because they don’t work and take drugs. My man drinks but because he has a job it doesn’t matter. He throws thousands at his nephew for motor... View more

I have 5 kids. Not to current partner. Son in primary school lives with me and I’m banned from my other kids because they don’t work and take drugs. My man drinks but because he has a job it doesn’t matter. He throws thousands at his nephew for motorcross racing but if I lend ten dollars to my son I don’t live it down. He caused a fight and banned me from going with them to the races. Calls me lazy when I cook and clean and massage and brave face for my son. Valentine’s Day his nephew got gifts but not me. He spent an hour on the phone with his nephew and said I was stupid for getting upset. His going to Hawaii this year and I can’t go with him. He says he loves me and it’s just fantasy but he is verbally abusive. It’s like 100 red flags but he says it’s all in my head and I’m crazy and psycho. He says because I put on weight since we met I’m being clingy and paranoid. I can’t breathe right but can’t talk to him. He says his money and none of my business. I don’t know how to explain it but I can’t go and I’m broken.