Feelings of rejection in a sexless marriage

[Brandon2142]

Hello everyone, I live in a mostly sexless marriage, has been this way for a long time now and I'm at the point where I feel unwanted and unattractive, like I'm kept here because it just works out better for everyone else in our family, we have two children together and none to anyone else, I'm almost 30 she's almost 28.

For years I would always be the one who initiates intimacy, at the beginning of our relationship it was also her, however now it's only me and I'm always being turned down and this is really hurting me, I have told her I hate that it feels like Im having to basically beg by being the one who has to ask all the time, it's an awful feeling that causes me to feel detached, like I'm just some other guy.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore, I don't want to be the one who has to carry all these feelings and the confusion, so when going to bed I say goodnight and go to sleep, she has asked if I'm alright and that has hurt me more because that has signified that in our relationship I'm either suffering at the hands of rejection or "theirs something wrong with me"

Feels like I'm a matter of convenience in this relationship, while my needs go unattended to, every time I have said something there has been no resolution for my feelings, like I'm not being taken seriously because.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Brandon2142,
 
Welcome and thank you for coming to the forums to seek support with our lovely community. Please know you can express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement, as this is a safe space.
 
We are sorry to hear that you are feeling detached and unheard in your relationship, resulting in intimacy issues. Have you approached your partner to discuss your concerns? Although you have been feeling this way for a while are you sure your partner is aware of how you are feeling? We encourage you to have an open an honest discussion with your partner, although you may not resolve the issue it is a great first step. You may also consider couple counselling if your partner is willing after sharing your concerns.

We would highly recommend contacting Relationships Australia, they provided excellent resources and supports for promoting healthy relationships and have multiple articles relating to this topic. You can also call them on 1300 364 277, this will allow you to discuss your concerns and hopefully receive some support to be able to better manage your feelings and response to your intimacy concerns
 
There's also some more really helpful resources available online about healthy relationships, including this wonderful resource put together by Health Direct if you would like to have a read. 

Please remember we have a team of counsellors available 24/7 that would be happy to discuss your concerns. You can contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 224 636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Even if it just to talk to us and express how you are feeling, we are here for you.
 
Thank you for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[ceb76]

Hello Brandon, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. My partner of 18 years has recently told me he is feeling the same way and I had NO idea. I am a fair bit older than you and so thought it was part

of the aging thing. But no. I had no idea that I was even rejecting him and I feel

gutted that he has felt this way. We are now separated… other reasons as well. It comes down to communication and maybe she needs something from you to help her want to be intimate. I hope you can work it out.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Brandon 2142,

Welcome and thank you for taking time to share your story with us.

I understand what you’re saying. If this has been happening for awhile now, it’s no surprise you have started to feel unattractive, unwanted and downright hurt. From what you have been describing it seems like you have already tried to discuss this with her and tell her your feelings but with not much of a positive outcome.

What does she say about herself? Does she say what she feels? Does she admit to avoiding sex? 
i understand your side and I completely agree and think your feelings more than valid. Not sure about hers, though.

How would you feel about having a talk with her so both of you could present your own side. Having two children and a busy day to day life, I know that for some couples their intimacy sort of drifts away or is being put further and further away because both are simply too tired or there might be plenty of other reasons, too. It would be good for you Guys to have an open conversation to hear each other out. Your needs are important and should not be forgotten by her and vice versa. However, you might equally be unaware of the other person’s needs and how important they are to you.

Let us know what you think.