Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

white knight Accepting minor flaws in a partner
  • replies: 3

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personali... View more

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personality and any other trait that's in their DNA. There is an infinite number of flaws humans have, when dealing with humans we are so individualistic that each situation is different, there is no hard and fast rule for couples. So I'll just give you a few examples of this to give you some idea of the dilemma we can find ourselves in- My wife of 10 years has a few flaws, as I do. I cook the meals and once cooked I'll call her and...waiting...waiting, no matter what, she has to finish whatever she is doing which usually are things she can delay like using a computer screen saver or stop weeding and resume later. So I resorted to calling her 10 minutes early and still I waited. So I began to eat my meal anyway and that was a lonely affair lol. See I am laughing as I tell you these things, 20 years ago I'd be off to the family counsellor! She also gets distracted. Once we were going out, dressed up we approached our car. Then in a flash she was gone. I went back inside, searched around and found her on the other side of the car pulling out a few weeds. Not only did she do something unexpected, she didnt tell me she was going to vanish. To balance the account, she has told me that (along with my bipolar moods) that I'm the most difficult person to "read". With the moods swings she never knows what mood I'm in, I'm not always aware I'm depressed for the first few hours or manic for a day or so. In fact my only indication of any mania is that I walk faster and only realise that because I tend to puff a lot more. I think the best transformation in this area of acceptance of your partners flaws is seeing the funny side. Now whenever she gets distracted I say "oh, we are weeding again are we". We both laugh about it. In fact this routine of laughter has become so amusing I've grown to be endearing towards that part of her nature. The longer we are together the more I expect the unexpected. For the last 3 months she has been occupied in our study doing "stuff". Today she presented me with 15 copies of my book of poems. I sat there in amazement flicking through 300 poems I'd written over 35 years complete with pictures. Laughing at another flaws can be a positive. Do you find it hard to accept another's flaws? TonyWK

MummaPetal Full time work struggle
  • replies: 2

Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to ... View more

Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to pay for home help I have been advised by my employer that they cannot offer me flexible work arrangements due to the business needs and eventually want me to work in the office full-time. I'm already exhausted now and cannot imagine trying to manage on reduced work/life balance. My exhaustion is both physical and mental. I want to work but I'm feeling overwhelmed with having to make a decision on my next step. I don't know where to go but I just want somewhere that's secure, part-time or flexible. I'm thinking that I should not have tried returning to the corporate world. I went back to the industry I was in prior to going on maternity leave. I want to have the flexibility to still feel like I can be part of the school community and not have to rely on before and after school care each day and be able to do some drop offs and pick ups. I'll be grateful for any advice from anyone or knows someone who has gone through a similar situation. Thanks.

jim222 life doesn’t feel the same, i probably need help but just can’t be bothered getting it
  • replies: 2

i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep un... View more

i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep until i exhaust myself by staying up, then i wake up and think about the things i’ve done wrong and the cycle continues, i try getting exercise but sometimes i just don’t feel up to it, i know i might need help but i’d rather not go that route, i feel as if i start getting better then i just remember things that hurt, i try talk to people but they have there own issues too and it’s not fair for me to always rely on them, idk what to do and everyday feels the same, i started trying to get better for one person then they left and that’s when i noticed maybe i need to get better for myself but then i just get dragged back into that hole i tried so hard to dig myself out off

PetaG123 At wits end
  • replies: 5

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but... View more

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but now it is all starting again. For years now I have kept quiet as I am just vilified more as the person with problem. I am not allowed to have an opposing opinion on anything otherwise made to feel stupid and uneducated. I am constantly ranting to myself at home or driving when alone as the hurt and anger is at boiling point. I keep making the mistake of helping our children financially and doing things for them. Then just treated as their punching bag. My partner has verbally abused me in front of not just our children but others as well. I have got to the point of just disappearing but I am in my mind 50s and have not worked for years due to depression and anxiety. I love my family dearly but do not feel that in return as the constant hurt they inflict makes me feel how they can care for a person but keep attacking them. I have started fighting back but only to escalate things. Honestly feel like a pressure cooker and scared.

Guest_2957 Scared of my ex friend
  • replies: 5

What can I do , I had a friend and now we are not friends. I am now scared of this person. Naturally because we were friends they have personal details of me know personal information because we were friends and I feel threaten they will use this per... View more

What can I do , I had a friend and now we are not friends. I am now scared of this person. Naturally because we were friends they have personal details of me know personal information because we were friends and I feel threaten they will use this personal information to inflict harm. I have changed my phone number and blocked them on social media just to try to get away from them. They have threaten they have video surveillance of me using a public road to drop my kids off at school however they believe I am driving past their house. I am not driving past their house I am using a public road that avoids heavy school traffic and lights to get my kids to school and to be able to come home quickly. I feel scared about my own privacy. I worry and feel anxious going out to the shops in fear of running into them. I've gotten to a point I just want to move towns. I feel sick with worry about what they will do next.

H2OMAN Dark Places
  • replies: 13

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am comp... View more

Hi Any and All, Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am completely abandoned, alone and without any resources. Crippled by anxiety and in a place of deep, deep sadness all of the time, at 56 I never thought I would be in this place To give some context would take far too long, so I will summarise. In the last 18 months: Parents in law reneged on a house purchase from them which lost us 25 years of hard work and approx. $400k. Daughters marriage fell apart. Major client went broke and lost nearly $100k which has essentially sunk my business. Found out my wife had an affair 32 years ago and lied to me when I tried to discuss the matter with her. All of which has caused me significant anxiety and depression. Then to top things off my wife left 14 months ago and the family sided with her based on lies, false accusations and claims against me. I have tried for the last 14 months to deal with these things, to initiate counselling and mediation, to encourage contact with my 4 adult kids, but I have been marginalised and pushed aside with little to no contact. I did everything I could to reconcile things and shield people from difficulties between my wife and I, especially my daughter who was totally reliant on my wife for support during her separation. I bit my tongue and waited until she was in a better place before addressing my difficulties and the wife's behaviour so that it would not affect my daughter. Only to have everything distorted and be blamed for everyone elses problems and difficulties with no voice given to me, no right of reply, no consideration, and essentially abandoned. And now the wife has locked up all of our finances, I have little to no access to funds as she has hidden them and changed passwords etc. Yet am lumbered with credit card bills that I am expected to pay as well as service the property mortgage etc. In addition to this and the limited contact and interaction since they left the wife is now demanding that I move out of the property so that they can move back in to ready the property for sale. I'm absolutely heartbroken, I'm broken, broke and abandoned with little capacity to cope or to find a way forward. I can't afford legal advice and don't have anywhere to turn for help. I would appreciate any advice on what to do next. Thanks

Sad_but_hopeful How to keep the relationship going
  • replies: 11

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a... View more

Hi, I will try and keep this semi short, but here it is My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years, I have a 11yo from a previous encounter (partner came into the picture when my son was 4yo and he has been daddy ever since) and we have a 4yo daughter together. My son has previously been diagnosed ADHD and has been medicated for the last couple of years. The crux of everything really is that my partner doesn’t feel like myself or my parents (who look after the kids during the week while we are at work) are punishing my son effectively. He feels that my son pretty much gets away with everything and there are no consequences to his actions. I admit that I probably haven’t been as effective In punishment as I could be and I am looking to get it rectified. I try not to use it as an excuse, but I have tried to explain to my partner that I have been doing the best that I can, considering I work full time and I am also the one that cooks and does the household stuff, I get tired!! Now here is what my main issues is, my partner has basically said that because of the ongoing issues with my son and his behaviour, it is affecting his relationship with me! There is no affection whatsoever between us, I gave up a while ago trying for any intimacy at all (this includes things like hand holding, cuddling etc) and feel like we are pretty much housemates living together. Added factors include my partner working away regularly and having medical conditions that does make him tired. Now my question is, is he using the issues with my son as an excuse not to deal with the relationship? He seems to think that once we get things sorted with my son, our relationship will get back on track. My feeling is that even though we are going through things with my son, it shouldn’t stop us from having our relationship, being together and being intimate! I am at a loss and could use someone’s advice. P.s-i am going back to the paediatrician for further advice, partner doesnt want to

Then_now My baby having babies and severing communication with me is too painful
  • replies: 2

Trauma. I don’t even know what that word means any more, it gets bandied about everywhere and most everyone has some diagnosis or another. I do know that being separated from my kids was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. it was on a bac... View more

Trauma. I don’t even know what that word means any more, it gets bandied about everywhere and most everyone has some diagnosis or another. I do know that being separated from my kids was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. it was on a backdrop of domestic violence and drug addiction, but I changed things and still seem to be being punished for things outside my control. I have a very respected responsible job in healthcare, I try my best to be polite and consistent, but my daughter has literally cut off all communication with me. She speaks with other family members but very very limited, and even then it’s my ex husband’s family, not mine. I feel so ripped off, it’s so unfair, and powerless. That sounds childish…but my pain is really simple and child like. I’m also feeling very isolated and not coping with the rejection. All I want to do when I’m not at work is drink wine, so I don’t feel so much. Then I’m tired at work…people don’t necessarily know anything, I think I come across as happy and fairly normal? i don’t know where to turn. I’m not about to kill myself but I’m bereft for ideas. Be patient. Yeah, great. And?! hello….it’s my first venture into something like this, so hi. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do but I’m exhausted and sad and angry just now and simply need to articulate it or something before I go crazy.

Guest_342 Has anyone been in this situation?
  • replies: 2

Hello. I am in a long distance relationship - we've been in contact since just before the pandemic began and, due to lovkdowns and border closures, have missed many opportunities to see each other. So we're only just now starting to talk about him ma... View more

Hello. I am in a long distance relationship - we've been in contact since just before the pandemic began and, due to lovkdowns and border closures, have missed many opportunities to see each other. So we're only just now starting to talk about him making the move from Adelaide to here. He is in a job that doesn't allow him the chance to really succeed in his area of work and he's recently been offered a job through an acquaintence for a very short term contract but it will be a great experience above and beyond what he's doing now - it would probably open the door to other opportunities that he mightn't get if he doesn't take the risk and stay in his current job. So, if he does the new job, he'd stay in SA for a few more months and then would look for work here. But otherwise, if for some reason the short term job becomes unavailable (eg because he has to give his current employer more notice that the time the new job can wait) he said he'll resign from his current job and move here anyway. But the risk with that is he might struggle to get work. He would have to resort to dipping into his savings while he searches for work here. He doesn't really like his current job. He's confirmed he wants to move here. I own my place and have a good job and am highly motivated. I worry that today he sounded less motivated to take this risk with the job offer and that he might be stuck in his work rut and then struggle to find new work here. While I am ok with him being out of work for a month or so, I don't want it to be an extended thing. I will be resentful. I thrive off having a partner who is driven. Otherwise I feel like the energy/motivation gets sucked out of me. I don't want to risk him moving here and then finding put that he's not going to be motivated to get a job and work towards something he likes and can contribute to a life together. Because then I'm a bit stuck because he would have given up so much to be here.

Kim1988 I think my husband has a porn addiction?
  • replies: 9

Hi all. I think my husband may have a porn addiction. To put things in context. I just had our first baby 2 months ago and we haven’t really been intimate since the final trimester. It’s only recently that we have started being intimate again. I was ... View more

Hi all. I think my husband may have a porn addiction. To put things in context. I just had our first baby 2 months ago and we haven’t really been intimate since the final trimester. It’s only recently that we have started being intimate again. I was using his tablet the other day filling out some forms online because my laptop wasn’t working. While doing this I had a pop up from a live webcam site. I thought he was interacting with women on the site. He isn’t interacting with them as it turns out. It’s just a pop up ad that appears when you go on these porn websites. I can see he watches a hell of a lot of porn everyday. After I used the tablet the other day which he knew that I used I noticed all of a sudden the browsing history had been deleted . He obviously never cared to delete it before I started using the tablet. I’m not an idiot I know it’s normal for men and even some women to watch porn even everyday, but his viewing habits seem excessive. Back in October we had an issue where he was following and liking a lot of half-naked Instagram models. I was pregnant at the time, so I was pretty self-conscious about my own body at the time. I discussed it with him and he deleted his Instagram account. I had a discussion with him last night to find out if he’s still attracted to me after having a baby because I thought maybe he’s not attracted to me anymore, or even if he has ever been at all. He reassured me that he is attracted to me. He just knows that I haven’t been sleeping much since our son was born and that he often doesn’t have the energy, although he did say he would like to be more sexually active with me. I actually brought up the subject that he may be addicted to porn but it shut down very quickly. I said to him think about how much you consume and if you can’t go a day without it. Much less a few hours which I can see from his Google search history that this may be the case then you may have an addiction and it seems that he clearly has more energy for porn than he does with me or seems to enjoy watching porn more than being with me. He said that he can go weeks without watching porn. This is clearly not the case. I guess like with any addiction the addict may not even realise they have an issue and they will deny it or try to justify it right? I would like to suggest that he can go and get some help but if he doesn’t think he has an issue he won’t do it. If he has a porn addiction it affects me to.