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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Katija Totally feel trapped
  • replies: 1

Hi we've recently moved into inlaws house to help mother in law with my bedridden father in law. They live in a unit in the back yard. We pay all the bills here, totally in control of that. She says this is our house and internally she doesn't say a ... View more

Hi we've recently moved into inlaws house to help mother in law with my bedridden father in law. They live in a unit in the back yard. We pay all the bills here, totally in control of that. She says this is our house and internally she doesn't say a word about what we do, which is great. But she interferes in every thing else. From fertilising the garden to mowing the grass. She criticising my kids, their haircuts etc. Some days I just want to run away...I cry a lot as my husband doesn't want to listen. He keeps telling me to change my attitude but I don't want to. She's the bully not me. It's really making me feel trapped. I don't know what to do or who to tall to.

white knight Disowning a family member
  • replies: 31

This is by far the most difficult thread I've ever written. Finally after using my heart as my guide all my life, my head is taking over in order to save myself from serious longer term harm. And that's the reason for this thread- limiting grief and ... View more

This is by far the most difficult thread I've ever written. Finally after using my heart as my guide all my life, my head is taking over in order to save myself from serious longer term harm. And that's the reason for this thread- limiting grief and moving forward. Blood is an attachment that cant be described. As children our parents are our life, our security, our nurturing. We never expect to disown them. Our own children is what we created, we protect, we feed, we devote...we never expect to disown them. How far do you proceed with a family member when the relationship is unworkable? If it is unworkable how long do you endure any toxicity before you enter a self protection/preservation mode? Forever? Some of us presume so. Or we live in hope that it will work out one day. An example- My first wife used silence as a very effective hurtful weapon. It isn't easy describing the feeling of being ineffective with combatting it. I divorced her in 1996. Only recently did I stumble on the reason why it is used as a weapon and what you can do about it. Google Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism So, one of my daughters is 26yo and since she was 14yo she has showed strong traits of this. She lived with her mother and I had her for visitations every second weekend and holidays. Obviously her mother had a strong influence on her and that has been on display every time her and I have communication. Every two years or so my daughter re-enters my life to create havoc. At first its fine, we talk (only on Facebook messenger as that gives her control to block me if she so desires) then after a couple of weeks of great communication - she is gone! no contact. Why? Control. My daughter is in control of when she communicates. She is well aware of the hurt she inflicts. Recently I developed that attitude, now for the hard bit- getting on with my life with people that love and adore me. PS I recently read the following phrases- Not every time losing a person in your life - is a loss I believe that Narcissists deserve our compassion, but compassion does not involve giving them permission to hurt other people or overlooking any damage that they do.” “I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love till someone told me there is a flip side to it. I'm not weak, I was trusting. I'm not giving up, I'm healing. There is life after narcissistic abuse, Hold On! TonyWK

Will never understand Never understand
  • replies: 3

Well it’s been nearly five years since my son went to jail. The first 4 we thought was okay but in the past 6 months it’s been hell. We were blackmailed by not so nice people. Extorchist there called to protect our son they said. We did fold and gave... View more

Well it’s been nearly five years since my son went to jail. The first 4 we thought was okay but in the past 6 months it’s been hell. We were blackmailed by not so nice people. Extorchist there called to protect our son they said. We did fold and gave them a large some of money but when they threatened my sons life and said they were coming for me, that was the final straw, I went to the detectives but sadly unless we had proof that she threatened my life, we had nothing really. My son was in a cell .23 hours a day but finally got moved 3 weeks ago to another jail. I do wonder what will happen when he gets out. So many friends say he can’t come home but as a mother I have to protect him. I don’t think I will ever understand why he is we’re he is today because that wasn’t the son I protected growing up. Something has happened to him and he found drugs and alcohol to numb his pain but sadly at someone else’s expense. Will never understand or forgive my son for what he has done but he is my son. Why can’t friends not judge and just be there, I don’t understand. I no in a heartbeat I would be there for them, no judgement. When do you no to let go of that friendship?!

adamc Mum's Birthday Payback
  • replies: 1

Let me clarify the title. It was Mum's birthday last week and I chose not to buy her anything because of her nasty, putdown attitude towards me. I'm 39, Mum she treats and speaks to me like a petulant child, tells me off for buying DVDs for myself, t... View more

Let me clarify the title. It was Mum's birthday last week and I chose not to buy her anything because of her nasty, putdown attitude towards me. I'm 39, Mum she treats and speaks to me like a petulant child, tells me off for buying DVDs for myself, trying to tell me what I can and can't do with my own money and I always overhear her and my oldest sister saying things like "Wouldn't it be great if we had a dog? I want one but the chief won't let us have one." They've been rejected on every adoption application they've put in. Because of this attitude, I didn't get Mum anything for her birthday and because of this, Dad has said I'm not to buy him anything ever and Mum has said she doesn't want me riding in her car. She goes around saying "He buys his Dad something and buys his sister presents but can't be bothered to get his own mother something." On a number of occasions, she comes up to me and says "So, are you going to be buying me anything for my birthday/Xmas/mother's day?"

Mintie_Marmalade Wanting to breakup but can’t
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone, my first time using forums, and first time here! I am currently in a relationship, I know that my boyfriend really cares for me and considers me, but i don’t really reciprocate those feelings back. (Why did i get into the relo then, you... View more

Hey everyone, my first time using forums, and first time here! I am currently in a relationship, I know that my boyfriend really cares for me and considers me, but i don’t really reciprocate those feelings back. (Why did i get into the relo then, you may ask?), it’ll become clear in the end. Ever since i was little, I have seen my dad and mum work hard, not only did they move to an entirely new country to start fresh, they really had to start from the bottom and work to get to a place where my sisters and I get opportunities for a comfier living. For that I will always be grateful. I will not deny however, that the concept of wealth and money has become a vital subject and “value(?)” within our family. In a nutshell, my boyfriend apparently comes from an extremely wealthy background. Yes, he smiles alot and was cheerful, so i got together with him. I will hold myself accountable and admit his “wealth” also served as something eye-catching. But over these past 5 months of dating, i have realised (which i should’ve to begin with), that money (yes, its important), but not everything. It really isn’t. I have been more unhappy/anxious, than happy and confident in this relo, despite having mutual conversations with my bf. When i brought up the fact that i didn’t really reciprocate feelings back, and that I really can’t envision a future with him where i am happy, my parents were not pleased and said if i break up, i will not find someone like him again (bc of how he likes me, and bc of his money). I told them that i really realised money isn’t the most important right? One’s wellbeing is! But my parents said I am actually worthless and the reason my mum has been buying alot of expensive, luxury items for me is to make me appear “in his league”. I feel mortified from my initial materialistic, selfish reason to be with him. Also, i do not know how to comprehend my parents’ outlook. I know they experienced financial hardship, they want their daughters to live a comfortable and yes, wealthier life of course, but I feel suffocated and almost pressured into continuing this relationship. They say when i talk with him on Saturday, i better act sweet and helpless to lure him in me. If i chose to end the relo, they will no longer support or lookout for me in the future. I will have a hard time dating not just him, but any guys. sorry for the long message, i just needed to express my thoughts. Have a nice and safe day

Molly91 Advice please
  • replies: 18

Hello everyone, I'm very new to this.. My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals. I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. I k... View more

Hello everyone, I'm very new to this.. My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals. I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. I knew he was seperated but he told me they were going to be divorced and was only a matter of time as he wanted to progress in life with me and have a future. Fast forward 2 years and I'm still asking him when... I get excuse after excuse and he even gets defensive about it , saying "it's between us" and "it doesn't have anything to do with you" ect. 95% of the time, we couldn't be happier. Genuinely happy. But I feel that it does have something to do with me as I am meant to be in his picture. He talks about her all the time, still has contact, sends her birthday gifts and gives her staff discount. To top it off, he hides me from her. He has told me all this. I really don't know what to do. I have voiced my feelings now for 2 years and not even a tiny bit of action to get divorced or the ball rolling. I feel worthless and at the bottom of his priority list. She cheated on him and he defensive of her. They've been seperated nearly as long as they were married. We were meant to be moving into our first home together but I feel completely uncomfortable with that idea as her presence is too strong and involved. I need advice, I love him but I can't stick around to be disrespected. I'm a simple person and don't ask for much,I simply wanted him to put our future before his past, but he won't.

Toni_Hall Scared of my ex and missing my kids
  • replies: 10

My ex partner has a long history of being angry. He holds me completely at fault for our relationship breakdown three years ago, and has aggressively sought to alienate me from our kids, to the extent that my teenage daughter stopped coming to stay h... View more

My ex partner has a long history of being angry. He holds me completely at fault for our relationship breakdown three years ago, and has aggressively sought to alienate me from our kids, to the extent that my teenage daughter stopped coming to stay here after he claimed that I had an affair whilst we were still together. She sent me horrible, hate filled messages for a long time. Of late, she has sneaked over a few times and we've chatted about all sorts of things, but tonight she has suddenly told me she can't see me again. My 10 y.o. son (who still comes, despite being withheld apparently of his own free will) and I still have lots of time together, and have a lot of quality time whenever we can, but I do notice some things coming through in his behaviour - the first day or two back he talks to me like I'm dirt, and most of the time I have to be very careful about my approach to talking about anything he has done wrong, as he immediately tells me that it is my fault and becomes very angry and/or distressed in seconds, like a switch has been flipped. I can't even frown in his presence or breathe incorrectly, as he'll take it as a sign of anger from me and become defensive. I have no other support, no outlet for discussion, and am constantly working hard to avoid conflict with my reactive ex, and to support our kids without setting him off, giving them free passes to behave badly, or lose my (great) job because of the unreasonable demands my ex makes (if he has his way, he'll move my son to a third school in three years). He has the marital home and all of the resources, and despite custody and financial agreements, continues to do what he likes, when he likes. I have long given up aspirations of making this work ad a co-parent situation, and I'm now just trying to survive and do the best I can for our kids, whilst he manipulates my world and theirs at his whim. I feel so lost. I've been speaking with a social worker for 6 months, but she can't be here 24/7, and I can't keepholding this in. I know I'm doing everything I can, and I'm doing it the right way, but I'm exhausted. I can't take the kids away, because they will hate me for doing it - they love him, and he's done a great job of holding them emotionally captive. All I want is to have my time with them and not have to worry that he'll destroy them or my relationship with them over his need to be seen as a victim.

Vil I dont know what to do
  • replies: 5

I am a 22 year old living with my younger sister on rent. Her boyfriend stays with us 5 days a week (for free). That alone is difficult to deal with considering how hard I am working in a low income job, but Ive been dealing with depression and anxie... View more

I am a 22 year old living with my younger sister on rent. Her boyfriend stays with us 5 days a week (for free). That alone is difficult to deal with considering how hard I am working in a low income job, but Ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for quite a while too. I have a hard time cleaning up but I do my best to clean up before the day ends. For some reason, my efforts are not enough for my sister. She keeps telling me that I dont wash the dishes nor do I do any cleaning in the house that doesn't involve my dog. I clean the living room, all floors except for the bathroom and my sister's room and the balcony. I also do my dishes and clean the kitchen but not immediately after I finish eating. My sister cleans the bathroom and the kitchen when she cooks. Yesterday, my sister went to sleep without washing a couple of her dishes so I washed them with mine. I told her about it today because she ALWAYS tells me if I miss mine. She started getting angry about it and telling me that she never tells me if I dont clean. I know better than that. Our dynamic used to be the opposite: I was very clean, my sister was not so clean. She changed a lot after her boyfriend started coming over. I've told her about how I dont feel like doing anything at all during the day. I dont even want to take a shower let alone doing the dishes, but I still get it done. I just wish she were a bit more supportive, especially because of the amount of stress I have to go through with my mom and dad trauma dumping only on me(older sibling issues) and her boyfriend coming over.I recently had a surgery and my sister was supposed to accompany me but she forgot about it and scheduled to go to work on the day when it was her free day. She did this so she could skip work the next day to go out with her boyfriend. She never listens to me, never talks to me, everything is just so different. I wouldn't be feeling this bad about it but I do because I dont have friends because I dont leave my house. I wish I could talk to her about it but she is just too engrossed in her relationship to see me struggling to get through the day (I dont look like I struggle because that's just how I am, but Ive told my sister about it). Sorry if this feels more like a rant. Ive never done this before

scallopsarenice Relationship advice appreciated, I have a boyfriend but met someone new recently
  • replies: 3

I met the other person (Adam) at work… just several weeks ago, and we hit it off immediately. We have been seeing each other a couple times a week now regularly outside of work, going on dates. When we met we spoke about our past relationships. I did... View more

I met the other person (Adam) at work… just several weeks ago, and we hit it off immediately. We have been seeing each other a couple times a week now regularly outside of work, going on dates. When we met we spoke about our past relationships. I did tell him a had a boyfriend however, so I thought that would be it. We hung out after work, that night I went back to his place and we watched some Netflix and just chatted as friends. Next day we hung out again, and we had a long convo about our troubles and I also talked about how I have a friend with benefits, one thing led to the next and we were in bed together. The physical chemistry is great and I actually really enjoy it with Adam; prior I have not enjoyed it as I have had some bad experiences. He also ticks a lot of boxes in terms of my ideal guy in terms of height, body type/build, career & education, life goals just to name some. The problem is I have a boyfriend. We live together and it’s been difficult for me to explain where I’ve been and who with lately (to which I just lie anyway). It also makes any potential breakup even more difficult. I don’t want to break his heart because he thinks that we’re going to be together forever. My family loves him as well. In general my relationship with my bf (half a year younger than me, Tom) is loving and great but lacking in the physical compatibility department. I don’t even like kissing him sometimes, and view him more as a best friend nowadays. Tom has a great personality, really loves me, wants to trust me (he doesn’t know abt my cheating). For Tom, I’m his first girlfriend and he hasn’t had experience. I don’t know if I can marry someone who physically is incompatible but compatible personality and interest-wise. I feel he lacks the desirable characteristics and street smart skills that Adam has, but again Adam is older. I want to find out more about Adam first before I make any life changing decisions. I was told that work flings dont usually work out, or that people wouldn’t date and trust someone who was already in a relationship when they met. Should I keep seeing Adam and see how things go? Should I break up with my current bf? Im worried this is some kind of honeymoon stage and that the same cycle will repeat. I really do want Adam to like me and for us to become something but it’d be at a huge cost and gamble at this stage. Another option would be to stop seeing Adam despite how much I like him right now, and get back to my relationship with Tom

MattW5 MattW
  • replies: 1

Hi All, Long story short, my wife & parents do not get along, I put it down to different personalities & lack of understanding each other, my parents are simple easy going people but my wife has a more serious structured approach to things. Basically... View more

Hi All, Long story short, my wife & parents do not get along, I put it down to different personalities & lack of understanding each other, my parents are simple easy going people but my wife has a more serious structured approach to things. Basically this causes friction, between both sides & i am continually stuck in the middle of it which is extremely hurtful depressing, my wife continually says i need to put her & my son first, which in her mind is to back her up & tell my parents off, when she is just as much if not more in the wrong, the final straw was in when we went on family trip to Fiji with my parents back in March things were going smoothly, until 4 days in we had dinner together & my parents didn’t offer to pay the bill, at the beginning i said split the bills as we were paying she made a comment to me saying your parents are tight asses & didn’t even get a free meal out of them, i reacted by saying stop being childish i said split bill. The next morning we had a day trip planned together & she continued to make sly comments all day trying to get my parents to react, after the day had finished my wife went for a walk & my parents ordered room service for our son to our room, as i was feeding him my Mum knocked on my door to see if he got his food, i let her in as i shut the door my wife was outside & said great you shut the door in my face, this just set everything off i didn’t see her she then turned on my Mum saying she saw me coming & didn’t say anything they argued back & forth, as my Mum raised her voice my wife discreetly pulled her phone out to record her, while sitting calmly in the corner of the room with the intent to make my Mum look bad, my Mum left the room & my wife sent the footage back home to her family to have open commentary on it without knowing the full story of the drama my wife caused. It is now July she won’t let my parents see my son, nor let me see them without putting up resistance, i cannot ring them at home nothing, she said to only speak with them 2 times a week, i speak to them through the week while i am on my way home from work & this still bothers her yet she speaks to her parents every day & expects me have more to do with her parents then my own parents. I feel unless i cut ties with my family she will never be satisfied, it’s not going to happen so i am miserable. i just want to be able to have my son see my parents & also freely talk & see them by flying up to visit as i live away from them.

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