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Ending a relationship?
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How do I know when to end a relationship?
I know by asking that question it’s probably a good indication but I’m just so confused.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years.. and there have always been issues with us. These are with his family getting involved, us hurting each other, him lying to me, not listening to either one, him not being honest about finances.
Lately things have just reached a boiling point.
I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to end it and make a mistake, I’m scared to not have his support financially.
I know that sounds wrong but it’s just how I feel.
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Hey Daisyqueen,
Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable. This sounds like a tough situation to be in and I guess everybody has their own ideas of what warrants a break-up. It might be beneficial to think about what are you wants and needs from your partner and are they being met? Have you addressed any difficulties and issues with him and has he made any attempt to try and improve on them?
I think that any relationship, romantic or not, should add to your life. If you feel that conflict and hurt is taking away from your relationship or weighing heavily on you, it could be time to reassess if this relationship is serving you anymore. Above all, I think exploring these fears that you have around leaving the relationship could also too be beneficial. These are valid and important feelings so it's important to address them. Is it better to settle for someone that doesn't make you happy than to be alone? Do you already feel alone in your relationship? These are pretty loaded questions so it could be worthwhile to reach out to a mental health professional/counsellor on helplines or through a mental health care plan from your GP.
Ultimately, you shouldn't and don't have to settle for anyone that doesn't make you feel seen, loved, heard and respected. I truly wish you all the best during this uncertain time. I hope whatever decision you reach brings you happiness in the long-run.
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Daisyqueen,
livi-mivi has given you a supportive reply.
i wonder about if my relationship has a future. I know it is hard as sometimes things go well and then other times it is so controlling and upsetting.
Would your partner consider counselling. Relationships Australia has a informative website
https://relationships.org.au/contact/
There was a book I read years ago called too good to leave too bad to stay. It had lots of interesting questions to ask.m
I find S I am a senior thst making a change is scary and maybe coping with what I have is ok. Then after an outburst where I am called names and told what to eat, what I a can do etc and the factcan never be right, I wonder can I cope with this without it affectin* my mental health.
i am happy to keep on discussing your concerns. It is hard .
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- Hi livi_mivi.
I’ve tried to talk to him about what needs to be worked on but he’s very difficult to speak to or get any response from. It’s very frustrating. He says he doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore after all the arguments we have had. We were/are (?) saving for a house deposit and he says to me ‘my money is yours’ and then turns around and says it should be equal. I’ve struggled a lot financially the past two years as I have had surgery, and issues with employment. It’s confusing and I get whiplash.
I do feel like I’m settling. I feel alone emotionally, and as though I’m not connected to him anymore.
We have discussed counselling but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I feel like there is too much muddy water under the bridge, so to speak. His inability to communicate is another issue and he’s very closed off.
I’m at a loss to know what to do.
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Hi quirkywords,
I empathise for your situation as well. It’s very frustrating and confusing.
It sounds as though your relationship is very difficult in terms of being controlled by your partner. That’s a very tough situation. I hope you can find your way through it.
I know that it can feel like you are very alone and you’re not being heard.
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daisyqueen,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have been there, I was stuck in a similar pattern for four years. I tried to make it work with couples therapy, holidays - even pets! I kept thinking maybe things will get better. But they never did. But one thing struck me as a massive validation of my feelings - and that was the immense relief I felt after leaving. Sure, I was sad, lonely and grieving for a time. But these are natural reactions are only temporary.
My advice; picture the best version of yourself. Is your partner there with you? Are they adding to that picture or taking from it? You shouldn't be adding more than what you're receiving in a relationship. If you've tried to remedy things will little or no reciprocity, you can't carry the weight of a partnership by yourself. If so, have courage in yourself to carve your own path in life - your future self (and possibly your true love) will thank you.
I wish the very best for you, may you find peace in your journey.
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Hey
I think you kinda already know the answer... and whilst its going to be hard, you need to do what is right for you.
I was the same. I was scared to be alone. But after being in what was an abusive and loveless marriage i made the decision to leave. Hard? Yep. Scared? Yep. But..
Here i am!! I learnt that being alone is in a way freeing... and you get used to it.
You can do this. You are stronger than you know.
Thinking of you J x
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Hi daisyqueen,
I am sorry you have been feeling this way, it must be really hard for you. It might be worth having an honest conversation about these issues before resorting to breaking up. Yes, not all relationships last, but every relationship takes work and sometimes sticking by someone in the hard times is required. However, if you have spoken already to him and you still have the same problems, it might be better to move on. Your partner should lift you up, nor drag you down. It is important to tell him why you are ending things, and do it in a nice way if possible. There's no easy way to break someone's heart, unfortunately...break-ups suck...
I hope you're okay,
Jaz xx
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Hey daisyqueen,
Thanks for your reply. I can imagine that would be incredibly frustrating for you to have to deal with. As much as broken and strained communication can be improved, it very much requires effort, care and time. This is something that both people need to commit to in order to see any changes. From what you have said, it sounds as though this might be something that he might not be willing to accept or do?
From a financial aspect, I can imagine it would be very confusing with all of the contradictions. Does he seem to have empathy for your situation and are these kind of conversations around it being equal arise during or after conflict?
Do you think it might be helpful to share with him that that the way you are feeling right now is making you seriously reconsider your future together? This "limbo" state sounds like it is very exhausting and taxing on you and this conversation, as hard as it may be, could be the start of trying to give you the closure that you truly deserve.
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Hi Jaco8n.
My feelings are all over the place. I focus on the ‘still good’ parts and then wonder about the bad. I don’t know what direction to go in. I feel lost. I feel like even the smallest of things is getting on my nerves and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Thank you for your response.