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Relationship problems

Community Member

I believe I may be in a toxic relationship and a victim of emotional violence. 

Since the start of the relationship everything has been on her terms. We need to get engaged. We need to get married. You need to not have this friend, you need to not have that friend. Whenever I don’t agree it results in silent treatment for 2-3 days then straight back to normal. It is worth noting that she claims to have been in a domestic violence relationship 8 years previously to me. That was her last serious relationship. She has a 15yo from it. I have an 8yo from my past marriage. 

A year or so ago, not long after we married, she went through my phone and Mac and saw everything that apple had stored on me for the last 10 years. Friends, photos, messages etc.  The majority of was information was in my past but she did find out I’d had conversations with ex girlfriends, generally looking for advice on her but a few flirty connotations in there too. I agreed to get rid of everything including friends and concentrate on her.


Fast forward 9 months. I’ve now been married for a year. 

She now works for the same department I do. knows a lot of the same people I do and apparently digs for information about me. 

She checks my phone regularly including messages to my family and chastises me if she thinks I’ve deleted anything. 

She is emotionally manipulative (silent treatment when not getting her way) 


She creates arguments from anything. And I mean anything. Always bringing the past up in an attempt to win. (I ignore arguments now, it’s easier). 

I have 2 friends left. Both male. I am not allowed female friends under any circumstances. 

She accuses me of gaslighting and being a narcissist. On occasions I have actually written things down to make sure I know if have done something or not. If anything I believe I’m being gaslighted with little lies. 

She goes mad when I ask her son to do anything in the house like cleaning up. Always then relating back to mine and asking if mine is going to do it too. 

She puts herself down and says it’s because I don’t show her the same love I showed my past partners or I don’t love her. 

Work colleagues 

There’s probably more I need to write but I’m not thinking straight.

 I know I should just leave but It feels so hard after everything. Like I’m a failure. 

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome


I have some news for you- it's not you!! I endured a marriage for 11 years with the same treatment. I finally made an attempt on my life as I blamed myself, being told by my ex wife that I was wrong in everything I did or- endured silence, not a word for up to 6 weeks long.


A week after that attempt I left her. I then had to endure 14 years to try and communicate for the sake of our childrens needs. Then when our youngest reached 18yo I told my ex "dont ever contact me again for any reason". That was 12 years ago and she hasnt.


I wrote articles about this some time ago. You would be served well if you read these threads.






So sadly this situation added to the discomfort of her siding with her teenage son and comparing your, is untenable. What do you think?