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Being "reasonable" in arguements

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

I have always been intrigued by a jurys verdict based on the guilt of an accused person "beyond reasonable doubt".

"Reasonable" is a mental line depicted to be drawn by an individual. If doubt is beyond that line then guilty should be their vote.

However, in a relationship, when tempers flare the ability to reason drops, emotion shakes it about so much so that there is no place for the calm that reason demands.

Try talking calmly and promote reason while the other person is emitting steam from their ears and its a lost cause.

Reason can also be unreasonable! Some people have a knack of expressing they are being reasonable when they are using that claim to dominate the other. "I'm trying to be reasonable but you aren't, you are being arguementive"....is actually also being arguementive in itself!

To be really reasonable one should collectively also be- calm, listening, fair, considerate, willing to flex and put forward positive solutions. When two people are in this state of mind the chances of agreement is very high. But we cant both be in that zone of reason at the same time all the time. We should wait. Patience has a role.

Emotion levels rise and fall and with the person carrying the extreme symptoms of mental illness, its even more important to - wait until high emotions subside (which usually isnt long), wait until you are both alone and wait UNTIL THE OTHER PARTY CONSENTS TO SUCH A DISCUSSION.

Its quite common to find one party insist on a "reasonable" discussion NOW! Which isnt reasonable considering emotions of the other at the time.

But while we judge others for how unreasonable they are let's not forget that your own zone of reasonability is not the same as your partners zone. If that is respected and accepted, you are indeed reasonable and you are showing great respect. That my friends is your goal to planting the seed of relationship success.

If your partner isnt on a similar plane of reason then dont lecture, lead by example. It has a more powerful message a leader can display.

Tony WK

4 Replies 4

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
IMHO, when someone says, "I'm trying to be reasonable but you aren't," is usually said when they are - in fact - being unreasonable.

Another problem is most people don't know how to argue. To argue is to give reasons in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one's view. Therefore one must first listen to the other persons point of view. Than, and only then, can one reapply their words as evidence to support our own point of view.

Unfortunately many people believe that yelling at each other is arguing, when it is merely yelling until someone grows tired of listening to the other persons rant and conceides. The only thing settled is the noise, but the real problems persist and the divide between parties increases.

But I like your thoughts above. Sure wish my ex knew how to argue, but she could only yell.


Good point.

Raising ones voice is in the same category as worry, both are non productive or counter productive.

My ex never raised her voice, never even argued...because she used silence as a very effective weapon.

Tony WK

Community Member
white knight said:

Its quite common to find one party insist on a "reasonable" discussion NOW! Which isnt reasonable considering emotions of the other at the time.

Good point that. That one is being tucked away in the mental recesses for future deployment. 'Reasonable' can only happen when both parties are willing.

Hi Kate, sorry I nearly missed your post.

Thanks for your comment

There is another thread that deals with how to solve conflicts when both parties are able.


Topic: relationship strife?, the peace pipe- beyondblue.


Tony WK