Staying well

Mars and Venus, the conversation between us

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I thought it was a problem my wife has alone. The natural way she interrupts me half way through a sentence. It has caused many an upset. Then we had lunch with her friend. We chatted away and my wife interrupted, I just stared at her and she knew I ... View more

I thought it was a problem my wife has alone. The natural way she interrupts me half way through a sentence. It has caused many an upset. Then we had lunch with her friend. We chatted away and my wife interrupted, I just stared at her and she knew I was angry. “I interrupted” she said. “Yes you did” I replied. I finished my sentence then her friend said “I’m sorry,, when did she interrupt”. After many minutes talking friendly about this it came to me that some women talk this way, chatting at the same time, listening and chatting like a juggling act. Her friend told us she has the same problem with her husband except unlike me, when he feels interrupted, he feels compelled to go all the way back to the beginning of his sentence/story (which she finds intolerable). For me it’s a case of trying to recall where I was before the interruption. My wife tried something a while back, reminding me where I was in my story. Eg “you were saying that Mt Wellington had a great view at the top”…most times I could then recall my track. This fundamental difference in how we are wired is a tough issue to overcome. In most other ways my wife and I are telepathically together like Siamese twins how we think. But alas there is this crack that appears to be a male/female thing. What are the methods of acceptance of the opposite sex that we can implement that is beneficial to both. For example it isn’t fair it seems to expect a female to stop interjecting because that is their way. It isn’t fair for a male to stop them interrupting and it is unfair to expect change from what seems to be part of either nature. What I do know is that due to meds or just being a male, I have little memory which is why I get angry because I cant recall my track, my point. Furthermore if someone merely is wanting to interject but doesn’t then I’m distracted and that is just as damaging to my attention to what I’m talking about. This is all sooo confusing. Do others ever have the same issues? The breakdown of conversation from interjection or from a female perspective not being allowed to interject which is their natural way of communication? Has anyone overcome such major differences? I'm not expecting change, I'm wanting solutions. Tony WK

Positivity, what is it really?

replies: 2

Salespeople amuse me. As a former insurance salesman I was “programmed” to be positive in everything I did. There was simply no room for negative thoughts that downloaded to comments. In the end I left the profession but that didn’t mean I was negati... View more

Salespeople amuse me. As a former insurance salesman I was “programmed” to be positive in everything I did. There was simply no room for negative thoughts that downloaded to comments. In the end I left the profession but that didn’t mean I was negative, just realistic about it. And that’s the message here now. Being positive has its limits. There is no doubt that being overall positive is far better than being negative but we don’t need to fool ourselves into a world of unrealistic expectations and goals. Being a positive person is more complex than good and bad. Let me explain. A negative thinking person has a dim view of the world, half a cup empty than half full. Positive people can try to educate a negative person but the change must come from within. Some people need only a spark. After years of thinking negatively and knowing you are negative when the spark comes it can change your life in every conceivable way and in every moment. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe but it is a buoyancy that, once there, it is there forever. One never wants to go back to having a dim view of the world. For me that moment came at 27yo. Google Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue I’m now 61yo. After some decades as an energised thinker one thing I’ve had to grapple with is being realistic. Death hits us all whether it be a family member or friend. When we grieve its impossible to be positive about it. There can be token justifications like “he is no longer in pain” but we all know it just doesn’t cut it in terms of the massive loss to our lives. The workplace. We can be motivated but when we are there is often the jealous co-worker that interprets your hard work for wanting promotion. Suddenly you have conflict or tension. It’s their problem! These workers aren’t team members, they don’t know you nor your intent, they are destructive and yes- negative. Leave the negative people to their own sad world because if you play their game their satisfaction comes when you take the bait. The transformation from negative to positive is the best change you’ll ever carry out. It will mean your good days with a mental illness will be great, your bad days will still be bad but you will capitalise on the slightest positive event…like watching the sunrise. Being positive doesn't equate to an easier way to rise above a down period but whereas you'll walk tall on the way out of it, being positive ...you'll run... Being positive is almost essential. Tony WK

Seesaw of acceptance

replies: 9

Image a seesaw. When one end hits the ground it strikes depression, anxiety and hopelessness. When the other side hits the ground it arrives at normality in terms of emotions, coping ability and lifestyle. As you accumulate mental illness a box, lets... View more

Image a seesaw. When one end hits the ground it strikes depression, anxiety and hopelessness. When the other side hits the ground it arrives at normality in terms of emotions, coping ability and lifestyle. As you accumulate mental illness a box, lets call it the mental scar box is placed between the normal end and the seesaw. Suddenly you can never strike normal again. You can still get balance however…until several more scars are endured. The seesaw keeps tilting down towards the other end as your mental state worsens. You try desperately to balance it by changes in your life, introducing fun and treatment. Balancing the seesaw is your aim however, as life is what it is, it throws things at you all the time and it gets harder and harder to get that balance. The important thing to learn here is the fact that that seesaw will never touch the “normal” end again. Your scars are such that, just like a physical scar, never go away….in fact there is more chance of it reopening. That leaves us with acceptance or more pain. Acceptance is a hard ask. To accept we are not normal is one thing many struggle with but to accept we have to change, alter our thinking and dedicate much of our life to finding ways to just survive is even harder. Why is this? We don’t want to be abnormal, we don’t want to suffer an illness we feel but cannot see. We don’t like the stigma nor the feeling that we will never be cured. So acceptance is the one answer. If we get there the result is the balancing seesaw even though the scar boxes mount up to just under your plank. Acceptance is a state of mind. You can remain unwell and accept your mental state as part of you at the same time. A person without mental illness might accept they have a strange sense of humour, a poor gait or wiry hair. I knew a fellow that was a paraplegic that was a very angry guy due to being bound by his chair after a road accident. Yet his permanency of his condition will never change. Yet another friend also in a wheelchair spent 4 hours a day on a train for 6 years to get qualifications as a teacher. He taught the unemployed. When a student said “I cant get a job” he pointed at his chair and what was required of him to achieve a job. Some find it harder than others to be positive...trying is enough as long as you keep trying and try again. Acceptance. Easier than seeking cure. It takes time depending on the individual, to get there but it is the way forward…progression while enduring the pain. Tony WK

Sensitive? break the cycle

replies: 0

Some illnesses have a direct result of bad moods, snappy reactions, poor tone selection or it might even be a family trait- part of your personality. Being on the receiving end of this isn’t fun. Yet again it’s a extreme response when we live in a wo... View more

Some illnesses have a direct result of bad moods, snappy reactions, poor tone selection or it might even be a family trait- part of your personality. Being on the receiving end of this isn’t fun. Yet again it’s a extreme response when we live in a world of extreme behaviour. Some time ago my wife and I had to come to terms with this factor in our marriage whereby nearly daily we’d get upset by a comment the other had made. We both have depression and associated disorders. So we had a long chat that did not include blame or judgement. We had to acknowledge that as this issue had remained for several years, it was time for a new approach. Justtrying to be nice all the time didn’t work. Our automatic responses were so inground from an early age, in ones early 60’s we weren’t going to change. The nasty reactions were going to stay. Next step…move on! We tried laughing it off. It works sometimes. We tried, nope! I came up with the idea that, when person A responds to person B in a course fashion and person B reacts in a sensitive way, then person B should if possible apologize straight away. There was a problem with this theory. What if person A doesn’t believe he/she was nasty or course or rude or whatever. Person A might well be reacting to a situation they had reacted all their lives- why apologise? It’s a big question. I explained to my wife that such an apology was not to apologize for being “wrong”. It’s an apology for not intentionally hurting person B. That such an apology, quick, direct and caring/loving would defuse the situation. A hug and touch- is gold. That to implement this procedure we, only the two of us, would agree that our apologies were uniquely used. Apologies in the conventional manner is to admit fault which for us isn’t ideal as it sets off other triggers. The cycle of A hurts B unintentionally, A apologises and feels guilty and hurt also, B feels better having been vindicated but bad because A is now hurt, B pleads with A that he didn’t mean it, A pleads she didn’t mean it and so on. This can ruin a whole day or more of your precious life, a merry go round of pain.. The words “sorry” or “I apologise” is, for us meant to sooth and because of our ultra sensitivity its used in a tailor made fashion. It’s like saying sorry to heal in a way the word was meant to be used but we both use it in our own way- like, I wasn’t necessarily wrong but I’m sorry you got hurt…I love you ok”! Abnormal minds need unique remedies. TonyWK

Loneliness

replies: 5

On this forum theyte has been a consistent number of members struggling with the plight of being alone. If mentally struggling, one can feel totally alone in a crowded room. And there distinguishes why lonliness is more challenging for us. Loneliness... View more

On this forum theyte has been a consistent number of members struggling with the plight of being alone. If mentally struggling, one can feel totally alone in a crowded room. And there distinguishes why lonliness is more challenging for us. Loneliness for us isnt just being starved of human company...it being starved of human company, including yourself but the principles of remedy are the same, just with added difficulties. The basics of loneliness isnt complex. Breaking the barrier of fear to participate in sports from olympian down to cards games, competition fuels adrenalin to sometimes reach the level of passion. Passions divert a troubled mind to goals. Dwelling melts away...its all about the next game and participating not necessarily winning. Hobbies are a a means to connect with others too. Although some hobbies can be lonely like knitting if you dont join a knitting group for example. So sports and hobbies are two conventional methods to try. Friend selection is crutial for us. The more often we choose the wrong person as a friend, the less our confidence stays intact. As we grow older our wisdom from choosing wrongly makes it easier to pick the right ones. When younger we tend to attach ourselves to those with only one or two common interests. A "friend" at a car club owning the same model car that shares a similar profession might seem a candidate for your time yet those common interests has zero to do with whether she/he is a toxic person. Hence time and time again we go through the friendship split. Try doing some subtle homework. Listen to others. Keep your distance - it isnt a rush. Watch for the signs of things like a controlling nature, dishonesty, dependency and the most important of all ...empathy, the ability to walk beside you through those periods of struggle, AND VISA VERSA. Dont forget to help them. Limit your talking about you! Keep that brief. Friendships are no different than finding a soul mate. Like all aspects of our life we endure the extremes more than the "normal". But we can halve our difficulties by possessing an attitude of never giving up. I pushed a friend away I'd known for many years. It turned out he was talking behind my back in a cruel way. That didnt mean the next friend would. Thats my golden rule. Never compare people or its like comparing an orange to a tomato. We can be fickle, sensitive and moody. We, the mentally unwell can also be the most loving and caring on the planet. Tony WK

Worried about other users - how are we all doing?

replies: 43

Hi everyone, I thought I'd check in to see how everyone is doing; while the nature of these forums is as a place of support, and it feels good to help others, we need to make sure our own welfare is looked after too. Sometimes reading the experiences... View more

Hi everyone, I thought I'd check in to see how everyone is doing; while the nature of these forums is as a place of support, and it feels good to help others, we need to make sure our own welfare is looked after too. Sometimes reading the experiences of others can be validating, because we feel 'we've been there', but sometimes it can also be a trigger for bringing up unpleasant feelings. I've started this thread so we can have a constructive discussion about helping others and helping ourselves - how do you cope when you read about others in distress? Do you have a self-care plan in place, and if so, what is it? Really looking forward to hearing from you all.

Sometimes a hug is enough

replies: 4

Just needing some hugs sent my way... too much explaining and I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. Nothing major, just could do with a few hugs. I'm sending some hugs into the universe!

My job search journey

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Its been six months approaching seven in this cruicial cycle of finding a new job, After being made redundant and preparing myself for the biggest change in my life (ten years with previous employer) I thought I was ready to adapt, and prepared mysel... View more

Its been six months approaching seven in this cruicial cycle of finding a new job, After being made redundant and preparing myself for the biggest change in my life (ten years with previous employer) I thought I was ready to adapt, and prepared myself well enough! yet its been too long - I have been keeping well, exercising, socialising, staying positive most of the time, and doing what I have to do, apply for jobs! yet those down days are so self destructive. I've been to almost seven job interviews and everytime built my confidence and charged myself to show my best self for the job, because I know deep down that I am energised and capable! then to get told that there were more suitable candidates and that the choice was a difficult one. My confidence is becoming a lie in me today, I have no confidence after all the knock backs, I am mentally exhausted from this process. I am not settling for lower jobs because after 18 years of experience, I feel that I would at least deserve the jobs I am applying for! I am also not wasting anyone's time by applying for jobs I am not interested in or not challenging for me. I was vibrant, capable and confident person who also instilled positivity and hope into people through my previous employment - in not for profit- yet now I am negative, hopeless and in despair and anger for the society overall and the authenticity in the hiring process. My confidence is chipped at bit by bit, month by month, and reach out to support is becoming exhausting experience, with little tangible support. Yet I know deep down that I am not a quitter, and that I am strong, I wish not to give up yet at times it feels like its easy to give up and register to Centrelink and become unemployed for longer. That is not the life I want for myself, and that is not where I want to end up. Now I know how people end up in this situation. from being a successful and vibrant employed people to becoming depressed unemployed person with no interest in life. I need to get out of this cycle. I need a job! I am skilled talented and can make a great contribution to any business. And its not so much to ask to be paid a reasonable salary or be selective! its not too much to ask.

How does your workplace work for your anxiety/depression?

replies: 3

I am currently jobless and considering a change in career as the industry I am trained for does not allow ANY room for modified workload as stress is a big trigger for me. My biggest problems are communicating with strangers, phone calls and "on the ... View more

I am currently jobless and considering a change in career as the industry I am trained for does not allow ANY room for modified workload as stress is a big trigger for me. My biggest problems are communicating with strangers, phone calls and "on the spot" thinking (things that make you feel like a chef with 2,840 orders at once). I have taken so many days off for depression - needing to sleep, adjusting to medications, and in an industry where it is 'all or nothing' I just can't do it anymore. Focus on the good stuff right - I am good at listening. I enjoy tasks where I can zone out. On the negative side, my medications have a requirement of no strenuous activity - otherwise I would consider cleaning. So to all those fellow sufferers out there, how do you make your work life suit your emotional needs? What sort of job are you in? How do you approach your boss about work being an issue with mental illnesses? Do you have any hints or tips to newbies like me? Thanks in advance.

Existential Crissis

replies: 14

I have been well for over a year now - depression and anxiety free. I have a great job, plenty of friends, am now engaged to my long time partner, I have a volunteer job, I'm still taking medication and am still seeing my psychologist once a month. B... View more

I have been well for over a year now - depression and anxiety free. I have a great job, plenty of friends, am now engaged to my long time partner, I have a volunteer job, I'm still taking medication and am still seeing my psychologist once a month. Basically I can't see anything wrong with my life. So I don't understand why I still question what the point in life is. I frequently wonder what my purpose is and find it hard to set goals. How can I find meaning in life? I don't feel passionate about anything and I don't know what else I can try?

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Mars and Venus, the conversation between us

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