When is saying "No" necessary and why is it so damn hard?

[Just Sara]

Today I've come across 3 posts where saying "No" has challenged them to the hilt. I don't know how many times I hear/read this from others. The beginning of my own 'No' journey was at 33 when my mother berated and threatened me for saying it. But I stuck to my guns and the rest is history. I'm still practising, but it's always hard.

I understand you don't need to feel the sting of MH issues to struggle with saying 'No'; it affects the best of us at times. Unfortunately though, it hits some harder than others.

I was afraid of not being wanted, needed or appreciated. In my world that was interpreted as not being loved. I became needy, clingy and a little passive/aggressive. (Thru resentment of not being given the same attention in return)

I was drawn to damaged partners who 'really' needed me. I'd make their life better thru my support, then they'd leave, have an affair or gradually pull away.

Is this an epidemic or what? And is it women who do this moreso than men?

[Lonelydan]

Hi Sara, (missed you) I think this is a trait all (most) children of abuse suffer I’ve been there. It’s because I have no self worth. I’m underdeveloped when it come contact and relationships I’m always thinking I need to this or that for someone to like me. Or change my character to something else like a chameleon then I loose myself and I know they see straight for me. Dan..

[Lonelydan]

See straight through me I meant to say.

[Just Sara]

Oh Danny I've missed you too.

Thankyou so much for contributing. I know you get it. Feeling that you're wanted, liked and loved is a precious commodity. It can be soul destroying for a child especially to confront.

We feel so deeply; so all encompassing. How do we find ways to open up and share that wonder? And, with who?

Childhood for some was horrendous. Saying 'no' meant punishment, humiliation, trauma or being 'bought down a peg or two'. These were my fears..

I miss our chats hun...sigh

(I hope your new family's going great! Drop into the Trans Cafe' and let me know)

Lub, lub, lub...

Sez xo

[geoff]

Hi Sez, you make a good point, maybe with the men they are more reluctant to say 'no' for fear of prosecution.

I've often been asked to travel 2 1/2 hours and stay the night to see my 2 little granddaughters who I dearly love, which I have done for quite awhile before, but now I keep saying 'no', I hope they can come to me.

There are many times when I think I should say 'yes' but the bed is too uncomfortable, due to my hips, and I have to be careful where I walk.

Getting old you should learn to say no without explaining yourself.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[startingnew]

Following along with this atm. Something i struggle with all the time is saying no

[white knight]

Hi Sez

I think this topic is so apt. Geoff is right, the older you get the more comfort and consideration from others is needed. A comfy bed is essential.

I don't know about others but as my mother (now estranged) yelled and screamed "No Tony" at me so often, that the effect over time was permanent. My sister feels the same so it is a mutual reason we ended up phobic to more the disapproval than the word to be frank. Like you could never do anything right.

In terms of attracting the damaged partners Sez, I can say that had I been female and wanting a man I'd dread it. I've worked with men all my life in the defence, security etc and the stories they told of their ways of sowing their seeds made me realise its more common than we know, affairs behind partners back I mean.

Don't know the ratio cause women also can be unfaithful but my impression is men are more prone to it.

tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hi Tony;

You bring up a very valid point using your estranged mum as an example;

"No!" can be wielded like a vicious barbed retort aimed at those in its path.

For those with mum's suffering a maladaptive version of Oppositional Defiance Disorder, (ODD) 'no' portrayed a series of confusing 2-ing and fro-ing which was later denied or justified.

1977 - my little sister was going to her first high school dance. Mum said ok in one of her 'out of body' absent modes, but on the night of her formal she screamed "No!" with such veracity my little sister was distraught.

They argued aggressively while mum hit and cursed my sister. It went on for an hr. Then out of the blue while I was nursing my sis's wounded soul, mum walked in and told her she could go. (1/2 hr after doors opened) Shaking my head as I remember...

The poor little thing had a blood red face/eyes and no dress to wear as mum forgot. It's those 'No's' that I remember in context with your sentiments Tony. Bloody cruel!

Hi Geoff;

You wrote;

'Getting old you should learn to say no without explaining yourself'

Abso-bloody-lutely! I laughed when I read it, then agreed to myself with enthusiasm. You're right of course Geoff.. we oldies need to say when we want others to do the doing as we're not able to anymore. A great point!

Hey Essen;

Yes you do struggle with saying 'no'. It's a work in progress though eh? Good on you for contemplating it too!

Thanks everyone for your input...

Sez

[blondguy]

Hey Sara

Good on you for writing this thread as after having low self esteem since I was little your thread topic is not only important but very helpful for any readers/new and existing posters on the forums.

Saying 'No' can take huge inner strength. I am in my 50's and only started to learn how to say the 'No' word with some confidence in the last few years....and its hard work

I had a very strict old school father and the 'No' word would have been catastrophic to my physical and mental health if I would have even just thought it let alone saying it

Thankyou Sara for bringing up this 'High Value' thread topic.....Good1

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Difficulties saying no is not confined to people who were abused as children. I find it hard to say no. I feel guilty letting people down & worry about what others will think. I'm interested in ideas to help overcome this