When is saying "No" necessary and why is it so damn hard?

[Just Sara]

Today I've come across 3 posts where saying "No" has challenged them to the hilt. I don't know how many times I hear/read this from others. The beginning of my own 'No' journey was at 33 when my mother berated and threatened me for saying it. But I stuck to my guns and the rest is history. I'm still practising, but it's always hard.

I understand you don't need to feel the sting of MH issues to struggle with saying 'No'; it affects the best of us at times. Unfortunately though, it hits some harder than others.

I was afraid of not being wanted, needed or appreciated. In my world that was interpreted as not being loved. I became needy, clingy and a little passive/aggressive. (Thru resentment of not being given the same attention in return)

I was drawn to damaged partners who 'really' needed me. I'd make their life better thru my support, then they'd leave, have an affair or gradually pull away.

Is this an epidemic or what? And is it women who do this moreso than men?

[startingnew]

Hi Sez and all

Sez-i had to giggle at your many different languages.

I thought you might like to know i have started saying no to people even those i wasnt able to say no to before just a little bit more.

I still have alot of mixed emotions and thoughts but at least saying no once or twice is a start.

I do have a query though that you guys might be able to help with.

When i do say no- more often than not i feel the need to make it up to that person by doing something else for them or helping them out. I know alot of that comes from my past (and present) that im often made to feel guilty or an inconvenience to most people. I am a people pleaser even at the expense of my own wellbeing so im guessing that is also where the guilt feelings come from too.

i should be able to say no to things or doing something without giving some reason why i cant or without feeling the need to make it up to that person and all associated feelings... but i cant seem to get past those thoughts or urges.. so would anyone have any suggestions to work through these???

[Just Sara]

I've just got to recharge my laptop but want you to know I've read your post and will return later on to reply ok...

Really worthy querie too btw.

lub, lub, lub..

Sez

[Elizabeth CP]

Startingnew said i should be able to say no to things or doing something without giving some reason why i cant or without feeling the need to make it up to that person and all associated feelings... but i cant seem to get past those thoughts or urges.. I feel the same way so I'm interested in any ideas how to deal with those feelings.

I also think it is not just about saying 'No' A related problem is being able to ask for your own wishes/needs to be met rather than trying to fit in with other people's wishes. Saying No is part of that but not the only thing.

My sister is visiting from overseas & is wanting to do lots of things. My brother has different ideas of what he likes but I stress trying to work out how to fit in with everyone rather than saying I will do x & Y but prefer not to do Z.

[startingnew]

Hi Elizabeth

im hoping you were able to find a balance between your sister your brother and your own needs. And i agree another issue is being able to ask for the things we need too rather than going along with everyone else.

[Just Sara]

Hey Butterfly Wings; (Shout-out to Elizabeth!)

I'm so sorry I forgot to return and answer your question. I'm going thru a transition atm and find less and less time for writing. I'm here now though and will do my best with the time I have.

You're like so many others trying to balance a 'me and them' lifestyle thru some sort of perfection; not wanting to upset anyone but still wanting time for you. Right?

I used to pain over this one for many yrs. The question that tore at me the most was; "What do I want?" It's a biggie for people who've lived for others their whole life. Me, myself and I; where do I fit in the scheme of things? How can I achieve something when I'm invisible to myself, and to some extent.. others?

The answer to this and many questions like it, comes down to one thing; focus. The right mind-set is essential. It takes practice and self assessment to overcome that guilt. And don't forget that ole demon - fear. What are you afraid will happen if you don't say 'yes'?

For me it was losing their love. If I say "No" they won't ask me anymore and stop needing me. I'd concluded that I was loved for what I could do for others. Being needed was, and to some degree still is important to me. It's also about being 'liked'.

So, mind-set. It's about learning to think of yourself as first in every situation. Whether it's pulling someone from a burning vehicle or facing your child's sad eyes when you don't give them money to blow on something frivolous. Both these situations have personal consequences in the now, and in the future.

I read in a self-help book once that 'we' train others in how to treat us. It has real merit if you think about it. By saying 'yes' all the time, we train people to know we'll never say no. Yeah? We need to be accountable for some of it.

Parenting is a prime example. Kids will bleed you dry when they learn that manipulation works. 20 yrs down the track and we're still getting bleeding heart stories to dish out money and wondering why they're not learning. Um.. der! We keep saying yes...

You need to train people (and yourself) to realise that your life and future depends on having forethought. ok..

Hope this helps. It's a doosy for sure, but not impossible.

Lub, lub, lub..

Sez xo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez (and all reading)

Yes that does indeed make sense! Youve given me a few things to think about. Can you hear the cogs turning where you are 😉 🤔

I can relate quite alot to what you said esp the reasons why i say no. It also goes with im letting other down, they wont like me if i say no, ill upset people.

'I was being loved for what i could do for others' 👌👌 im not loved for 'me' im loved for my services so to speak.

Thanks Sez lots of love xox❤