There is not many more effective tools of trade for a nasty person than-
silence. I’m an expert, not of using silence as a weapon, but of being
the victim. My ex wife was raised by a mother that did cruel things,
stole her pocket money, elbowed her a...
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There is not many more effective tools of trade for a nasty person than-
silence. I’m an expert, not of using silence as a weapon, but of being
the victim. My ex wife was raised by a mother that did cruel things,
stole her pocket money, elbowed her as she walked along the hallway,
read her diary etc to the extent that one day as a teenager she decided
that her mother could do anything to her but she would never be able to
penetrate her mind. This determination and toleration led to my ex wife
to develop the perfect defence mechanism which over time she ended up
using as part of our daily lives in our marriage. Any objection, raising
of the voice, disapproval, disagreeing…anything- led to silence. After 7
years of such behaviour I realised, after our many counselling sessions,
that this would not abate. It was me that had to change, change by not
having any anger, showing disappointment, etc. Sadly as divorced parents
the same problem continued when trying to discuss our childrens needs.
Any discussion was decided upon on her terms. There are positives in
everything if we look hard enough. Silence means no arguments! One day
my eldest daughter at 16yo was distressed about something. She didn’t
like a restriction I put in place. She ran off towards a creek. I
followed about 50 metres away. She sat at waters edge and cried for
about 2 hours. She kept glancing at me as I sat and waited, not a word.
Finally she walked up to me and said “why are you here”. I opened my
arms. Job done, all good. Love needs no words. In my many jobs I’ve
found silence is an art form. In the workplace you often get the ladder
climbers, seeking promotion or just bosses approval by mentioning their
achievements. Yet, when I finally became a supervisor I preferred the
worker that solved issues themselves without mentioning them. The silent
achiever was more preferable than the boaster. As I was the talkative
type I had to constantly remind myself that rapid and continuous talking
wasn’t ideal in a populated workplace. It just doesn’t fit in with the
complex array of personalities. A talker finds chatting natural so its
not easy being "quiet" but it can be beneficial. Silence can be cruel.
Sometimes it is necessary in order to move on from a toxic relationship.
But as adults we should not use it as a means to hurt others only used
to distance oneself from others or from topics of controversy. Even
then, it is right to communicate firmly and concisely….in a humane way.
Tony WK
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