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The art of listening
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Sounds automatic right? Not for many. How often do you talk or argue and you feel you aren’t being listened to? Yep, I know that feeling well and let’s be fair, others feel the same about us.
I have a philosophy on listening if you care to read on. See, we all know that forums have their negatives. Recently a car forum had a debate. It was that some other new comers to that forum ask a question and got answers but those posters didn’t return to the forum to thank the responders for their answers. The responders felt the new members were rude by not thanking them.
My theory is this- that you don’t answer a members question to get a thankyou. While it is courteous to offer thanks when it comes to forums people are busy, stressed, forget,forgot their password/user name have problems etc and for what ever reason they don’t log on again. However numerous other members that logged on would benefit from the advice given so it isn’t wasted.
So my idea on “listening” is such that the other party has a need to express themselves so much, to empty their thoughts so much that they are not accommodating your words. Is it a case of this need to dump their mind of thoughts rather than being rude not listening to you? If that’s the case they aren’t intentionally being rude. The rudeness is from your perspective not really reality.
So its more of a reason to allow them to dump their thoughts and if so you might as well listen intently on what they are saying. Then begin to respond and if needed, if they interrupt, kindly and calmly without intimidation, remind them that you allowed them to speak without talking…then say what you want to say.
There are other factors involved in this listening/interrupting issue. We have a “flight or fight” inbuilt persona that we automatically engage when in conflict. For some of us the challenge of listening is difficult but the rewards can be great. Suddenly your partner is taken back by your question “is anything wrong, I’m wanting to listen” and then actually listen.
Loving someone isn't so straight forward. Getting to know your partner to the degree that you are almost inside their mind watching the cogs turning is only possible by observation and listening...which means little talk for some period of time. Make no mistake, this act of listening if done with determination is likely the greatest gift you can provide to your relationship.
The wonder is, that if done regularly most times the favour is returned...harmony!
Tony WK
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Hi Tony WK,
I love that you made this post and it's so important!
Personally I sometimes fret when I don't get a response to a post I made to a member - have I said the right/wrong thing? Did I miss the mark? Have I upset them? It has taken me some time to try not to worry about all the 'what if's' (even though I'm still guilty of it sometimes).
There are lots of reasons why people might not reply, either to champions or other members.
- They are overwhelmed with what's going on and just want to read instead.
- They don't feel like they need to.
- There's no requirements for please and thank you's and how are you's. This is a place for you, to vent and be yourself. Even though you can't be rude on here you can (and should) focus on only you.
- Even though we love knowing that we're not alone nobody can truly know how we are going or what we are going through. Just because two people have gone through anxiety and/or depression does not mean that they are feeling the same, thinking the same or coping the same.
- What works for some does not work for others. Likewise, we're all coping at different rates. For some people, having a shower might be the biggest achievement they do that day. For others, it might be saying yes to a work trip or a heavy therapy session. All achievements matter.
This is such a unique space. We're getting vulnerable with people that we don't know - having conversations that we might never have in real life. It's totally okay that it stirs up feelings of anxiety, vulnerability and loneliness.
One takeaway thing from this post - be open. Share what's going on. If you just want to vent and don't want advice, say it. If you're feeling like you're being left alone, say it. That way we can better understand how you're using the forums and what we can do to make it a better place for you.
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👍 Outstanding ! ...both of you. Thankyou
I'll re-read digest and definately bbl to talk
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Thankyou to both of you too.
Romantic thief, I was nicknamed "the worrier" at 12yo by a high school teacher, such was his recognition of my over worrying and my frown on my forehead.
Since then I've actively pursued a life without worry, although there are times I try to save the world and plug holes up in my life I think are about to appear.
Worry has only one aspect of productivity....it can make you punctual. Think about it, if instead of worrying we decided to either- make a decision or delay making a decision but no longer think about it until its times to make that decision?
The thread to cover this is (google)
Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue
Kind regards
TonyWK
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Bump as well as to let you both know I just re read and will again.
Going to think more before replies
Hope to return near future
Hoping your days are good or better ☺
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Hello again Tony and Romantic just want you both to know that I have every intention of returning and am thinking listening re-reading often which I need to, to fully digest.
This is an important subject and thank you both for your time and effort towards it I'm sure it'll benefit many
Continuing pain from a neck injury's preventing me although on occasion I do and pay dearly for it using the PC even for a short period of time which is a lot quicker for me, and often, poor MH prevents or better word dramatically reduces my learning abilities
So just wanted you to know I've not forgotten. Always greatly appreciate your input both ☺
Hope you're both well
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Heyaz finally got back I'm not sure a days passed without thinking to get back. Head space mainly prevents me but thats another issue.
I have a way to go on listening well I listen but have trouble hearing that I'm also hoping to improve on. Often for me pennies drop later so I guess I am hearing but it depends as with many where the heads at tiredness stress etc, would you believe yrs later lol with some stuff and people wonder why I think until recently still do a bit I'm stupid.
Your points have made sense. For me "thankyou" is lovely, really is but it's not the reason I want to help but I do feel disappointed hurt or pfftt if no response esp if everyone else is being replied to, I get there's reasons and like your open lateral thinking which all is reasonable and probably in most cases is why but the other side is which god please one day I hope to have better self esteem I think they either
- Didn't like what I said
- I've upset or hurt them
- I didn't help
- They don't value what I've said
- I've wasted my time
On the latter you said someone else might benefit👍but equally both our points could be the case. I do but don't want to ask for various reasons (later)
Some people just needing to dump fair point.
I agree listening is one the greatest gifts to give someone, it's giving someone your time and caring enough to do so.
I have at times depending on the person, some people habitually interrupt and I'm listening to them although I'm a talker I also listen and have said calmly I'll just finish what I was saying which works but I don't like shutting them up kind of or I feel it's rude, how do you say it to people? I feel everyone wants to be heard and lifes about give and take. Many times I've listened sometimes for hrs and tbh it kills me lol only that I want to be part of things but they've needed to vent unfortunately at times it happens when I'm not in good headspace and its their downs that in those times pulls me down more.
Thank you there's several things you've said whether I've replied or not that have sunken in 😊
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Hi again Romantic
I mean this and said both you and Tonys posts are outstanding.
I've re read both several times and got a lot out of them, thank you and I imagine they'd help others too.
The only thing I feel differently about although see where you're coming from is I don't feel being here although I surely say my stuff is only about me, I as many others do also want to be hopefully able to help others although on saying that I have lost a lot of confidence not because of anyone here but in myself for several stuff ups but lifes all about learning and I'll in time get it back.
You made such good points I can completely relate to tiny achievements being mammoth in dark times like having a shower or making a decision.
Thank you too for your time and incredible insight.
Here blows me away, I speak often to many, I hope here continues to grow and with people like you both and everyone involved making it such a safe non judgemental haven I can't see why it wouldn't.
Take care both of you ☺
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Hi deebi
Thanks for taking the time to read.
One thing I think is really important is portraying that you are listening. You might well be listening but to look someone in the eye and say "I'm listening, keep talking" is gold to the speaker.
Also, people that interupt annoy me. They say, "I'm sorry for interupting but....? Well unless its really urgent it isnt acceptable imo.
In fact its rude.
Tony WK
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Yeah interrupting can be, I get it if I or someones doing a long talk or esp if it's pertinent to the convo like they're trying to understand etc but it's hard to stay focused not that I successfully do that mostly lol often wander off to 5 more subjects in a sentence 🙄 I laugh cause at times I nearly see their eyes boggling
One of my brothers said once he'd heard that most people are not listening or thinking what they're going to say. True
I try in most cases to give eye contact but I get distracted easily like oh what lovely colour eyes they've got or movement around them so sometimes I'm giving my best attention by looking on the ground.
Body language is a good indication especially if they yawn 😅 and also depending on their time, what's on their mind, conversation skills, knowledge, shyness self consciousness, confidence all contribute to how they reply and if they change the subject we know usually we've bombed out ☺
I like connecting with people