I am going through a separation at the moment and with that, anxiety and scariness of what the future holds has taken a grip. Coming from a society where leaving ones’ marriage is still regarded as a taboo and given the history of my mother who had 3 failed marriages, I kept clinging unto this marriage for this long has only created more pain to me. Years of contemplation, adjustments and compromise made me think that I could continue with this although my feelings for my husband had died a natural death a long time back, still I kept going because of the comfort of a family life and a child. My husband is a genuine nice human being, a good father to our 4 year old and maybe a good husband in many ways but me being an emotional being, my marriage always lacked that emotional need that stirred up my mind almost everyday. I kept going with this marriage thinking that maybe this was my fate until recently I met somebody who gave me that emotional support and I fell hard in love with somebody else, so hard that I felt like this was the revelation of my actual feelings towards this marriage. I came clean with my feelings to my husband and proposed separation because I believed that living with my husband whilst I was in love with someone else would be lying to him and to myself. Everybody tells me that I cheated on my husband but I dont feel it that ways because I was never in this marriage emotionally and mentally and was here only physically because of what “people will think” and also I didnt want to hurt my husband and his family. He tried his best to save the marriage even after knowing this for the sake of our 9 years together and obviously for our child too. I too no doubt gave it a thought but then I simply could not keep doing this given the fact that I could never live a loveless life with nil intimacy. So there are many things going on at the moment. Living miles away from close friends and family, a full time health care worker and a full time student, I am scared to death for what this would bring me. The home that we built lovingly is on sale now, hunting for a place to call home for me and my child, everybody around me judging me and my choices of life, no physical support is only making me more anxious each day. However the irony is that the guy I fell in love with cannot be with me for many reasons. And I feel guilty because nothing hurts me more than this fact that he cannot be with me, not even my failed marriage. Why do I feel this?
