Caught me husband on a dating site

[Bounty-b-lakes]

I recently discovered my husband on a dating site by finding the app on his phone. He has told me he is in a bad place mentally and that it had nothing to do with our marriage and he regrets doing it and hurting me. The thing is, this isn’t the first time.. and last time he blamed his mental health also. Any trust I had has gone. We have moved to a new state recently and are not near any family and friends, We have a 5 year old son. I feel stuck. I don’t know if I want to leave him and even if I did I don’t know how I could do that being that he is our main income earner. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to only see me son 50 percent of the time but I do want to trust my husband again I just don’t know how it’s possible. My mental health is suffering. Every time I’m alone all I can think about is what he did and how he hurt me.. I’m so lost and confused and would really appreciate some advise. We are going to book into marriage counselling soon. 

[Croix]

Dear Bounty-b-lakes~

Welcome here to the support forum. It's a pretty good place to come to see how others have managed similar situations.

I can see you are in a dilemma, your trust for your husband has gone and you don't know if you should leave, with all the very real practical and emotional problems, or stay in what may be an unhappy marriage and see what happens.

I do think you have taken a very good first step in seeking counseling for you both. Sometimes having a professional present lets things emerge that otherwise would never be spoken about.

I would imagine the the lies follow on from trying to conceal the activity, and to be lied to consistently is a most horrible thing, breaks trust where trust should be natural, and not something that can easily be taken back.

Maybe before deciding on any particular course of action it might be worth seeing if it is possible to find out why he does use dating sites. Now the obvious conclusion is he wants someone else - though that may not in fact be the case.

People may use them to bolster their self-esteem, they may use them to escape into a word of fantasy from eihter real or perceived problems, or many other reasons.  It can also become an addiction -a learned response - and that in itself presents problems as all addictions do.

In the meantime you are in a most worrying, upsetting and even frightening position (and most probably very angry too). You also have your son to think about.

Do you have anyone ot give you personal support? A family member or friend who you can talk to - even long distance - who while they may not be able to offer practical help can listen to you, understand and show they  care? Facing all this in isolation is extra hard.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bounty-b-lakes

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

We are sorry you have gone through this, betrayal in a relationship is highly challenging, particularly when your partner provides his excuses and is likely to want to move on from this, whereas you are looking for answers and reassurance that it won't happen again.  Despite wanting to trust him to keep your family together, you are also feeling that trusting again may not be possible.

We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Bounty-b-lakes, hi and welcome.

I'm sorry this has happened now and before and because it has, he can say anything to try and justify why it's happened, whether he is telling you the truth could be why you don't trust him any more.

If you go to Anglicare they can help you out, not only with providing you a flat/house (whatever is available) and have contacts at Centrelink that will assist you in receiving money from the government, the salvos and St. Vinnies can also help you out.

You can contact these places before you actually decide to move out.

Marriage counselling can be very good but sometimes the person who is visibly at fault makes all sorts of promises that are never achieved, may be they are for a day or two but then go back to how it was.

You need to look after not only yourself but also your 5 year old son and if you don't trust him, then other problems may surface.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

Life Member.