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She can’t trust me

Thisldome
Community Member

Hi all

I am new here and this isn’t something i Normally do

I am married to a really wonderful woman for around 10 years and we have one child. When we first me she was extremely jealous but I thought she grew out it but she hasn’t

Recently she told me that for years she thought I was having a sexual relationship with a man and she still does. None of this is true and is in her imagination, she has access to everything and has yet to find anything to suggest that I am cheating because I simply don’t, I don’t lie and have nothing to hide.

She continually asked me the same questions and she continually gets the same answers because it’s the truth. I do manage to hold my temper most of the time but at times I completely flip, I know I have anger issues and I am working on them although I am not physically violent.

She will spend days trailing through old emails looking for something that doesn’t exist, when she thinks she finds something I am expected to remember things dating back 7+ years and to explain it, most of which she has already been through before. I am growing really tired of it all and it emotionally draining to have to answer these questions all the time, it’s geting on top of me.

When is a relationship been poisoned so much by her behavior to say enough is enough. I have told her that she needs to accept some responsibility for this relationship and she has trust issues that she needs to learn to manage but every time I want to talk about her she switches of and tells me not to turn it around.

Some days are great then she will turn for no obvious reason that I can see and I generally remain calm, it’s almost like she is looking for attention or sympathy because her child hood wasn’t the best. She is a great Mum and loves our child to death, although at times I have seen things that concern me. She tells me she trusts me and wants to work on the marriage then she will say some unfounded comment or make an unfounded accusation like she is looking to light the fuse.

I do have an appointment to go and talk about this and to help me manage my anger amongst other things to try and become a better person and husband. I never used to be like this, I used to be the guy that was everyone’s mate and a great laugh, now I couldn’t be bothered socializing almost like I have been pounded into submission and still being kicked.

If anyone has been through similar issue I would be glad to hear from you or any advice would be appreciated

Thanks in advance

4 Replies 4

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Thisldome, to not have the trust from your wife, knowing that there is nothing wrong happening outside of the marriage, does become a toxic r/ship, simply because your wife will be doing her best to scores points against you, which may then cause anger coming from you but only in frustration.
If none of this happened then there would be no anger at all.
The question is whether she is using her own insecurities against you and that's why she always turns it around, switches the conversation.
The same happened to me but it was slightly different, as I was self-medicating with alcohol there were times when I abstained, but the question I was asked 'you've had a drink' when in actual fact I was 100% sober, that really annoyed, do I have to take a breath test to prove it?
Eventually it wears you down and starts to build a barrier between the two of us, just as it seems to be doing in your marriage.
You are going to see someone about your anger, but if this didn't happen then it would be under control, so I believe that your wife needs counselling, not that she may agree with this idea, because she putting all the blame on you.
It does take a lot to cope with when you know that there has never been anything going on, but when a barrage of unfounded questions has been asked, it does make your situation annoying. Geoff.

bindi-QLD
Community Member

I'm not sure if I can help, but I think what your wife is experiencing is called `hypervigilence', and its symptom of trauma due to previous betrayal. Depending on her personality, she may benefit a lot from some professional help for PSTD, in fact just having a proper diagnosis and words for what she's doing can help some people. I would try to steer her towards some therapy. Hypervigelence is usually no help to the person suffering PTSD, and obviously its harming your marriage. It is fairly normal symptom of trauma though.

monkey_magic
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Thisldome,

It sounds as though this all stems back to her past like you said- her childhood even. She gets triggered because she hasn't let go of past betrayal and thinks you're to blame when really she needs to let go of whatever it is from her past that is causing this. So rest assured you are not to blame. She needs therapy. Whether she will admit this in itself is yet another obstacle. Good luck.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion
Dear Thisldome~

Some people keep pushing so they keep getting reassured and as you have found out there are some things in the mind that cannot be fixed with words.

Your wife is repeating the same behavior over and over, trying to find an answer to her fear. You are repeating the same actions in response again and again, giving her assurances that there is nothing to be fearful of.

It's not working as the fear is not susceptible to logical proof and reassurances. It is not a logical thing.

As a result you become more and more hesitant to do anything that can be misunderstood as unfaithfulness or even outside friendship - "pounded into submission" as you say. Under these circumstances neither of you is happy nor is it really a wonder at times if your anger comes to the fore.

Over those 10 years I’m sure you would have put an enormous effort into reassuring you wife, with no long term progress.

Can I suggest that the only effort that can bear fruit it to somehow persuade your wife to undergo serious therapy, most probably with a psychiatrist. While you may go for anger management sessions I believe this is a side issue. As Bindi has pointed out her behavior does match a PTSD symptom (something I've had in the past) however at this stage the root cause is unknown, maybe trauma, maybe something else associated with her earlier life, and then again perhaps another matter entirely – just not you.

Getting her to go to a GP and start the processes may well be difficult. Apart from yourself is there anyone else you can enlist to help persuade her? I'm sure she will not like living this way, with the constant worry you are going to stray from her, and the resultant arguments. Perhaps that will be enough to make her see she needs to do something different to make matters better. Maybe if she loves you enough she might start to save you distress.

There is one other think which I don’t understand, would you like to say what you were referring to when you said” She is a great Mum and loves our child to death, although at times I have seen things that concern me”?

As you can see from the replies you have received none of us here think it is you, and we all believe the answer lies in professional help for her.

You can talk here as often as you would like

Croix