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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Jeffhendrix Relationship breakup.
  • replies: 2

Hey, my girlfriend of four years recently left me about 5 or 6 weeks ago, I'm really struggling as she wants to have no contact. She says it will make it easier for both of us but the feeling of someone you love and was a best friend to just cut you ... View more

Hey, my girlfriend of four years recently left me about 5 or 6 weeks ago, I'm really struggling as she wants to have no contact. She says it will make it easier for both of us but the feeling of someone you love and was a best friend to just cut you out and block your number is killing me. I'm sure it's easier for her with no contact but it's tearing me apart, you feel like your worthless to them and you meant nothing. I can't stop thinking about her and the relationship basically what could I have done better and the mistakes I made. The more I try and pull myself together the more it all falls apart. I can see with the prespetive now that maybe it's for the best and it was inevitable but that doesn't stop her consuming my thoughts and loving her with all my heart. I'm trying to think of her negatively because maybe it will be easier if I hate her as opposed to loving her but i wang to keep things civil and friendly, I'm also slightly concerned she may try and get half of my unit etc....even though it's mine. We lived together for two years so I just hope she has the respect to not do that to me. She knows the whole deposit etc was all mine so I'm hoping she will not do that to me, she is a nice person so I would be surprised if she did but it's always in the back of my mind. My understanding is there's only a one year window to try and make that claim and since she moved out sept last year I suppose sept this year is the cut off. She always said we were going to get married and have kids right up until we broke up actually, I can't see how she could change her mind so quickly. I was doing fly in fly out work so that put a huge strain on us obviously. I would have done anything for her, she wasn't willing to make the sacrifices I would have for her....so it's for the best. I should be with someone who will care enough to make sacrifices. Maybe any advice might help? Thanks for your time.

will_never_love_again advise on dealing with nassasism
  • replies: 5

I have made so many attempts to write my story which is so overwhelming.asking for help on how to deal with breaking up with a nassasistic ex i dont know what to say or how to tell my story. basically he would try to win me back, sweet talk me, make ... View more

I have made so many attempts to write my story which is so overwhelming.asking for help on how to deal with breaking up with a nassasistic ex i dont know what to say or how to tell my story. basically he would try to win me back, sweet talk me, make me beleive he saw the error of his ways only to either create an arguement, be in a bad mood and snap and leave for up to a week or 2 at a time. ignore my messages, even though I should have got apologies i was saying sorry. I knew it was wrong byt my esteem has been shattered. just in past 2 weeks I stopped messaging for 4 days after messaging at least 4 times a day. as soon as i did he then text to say come for coffee, and to come get our sons pram he took back. I refused he offered to take the alarm out of my rental I'm moving out of a after I had text to ask him for 2 weeks to not reply. I say no, he won't take that for answer. so I agree. I feel like he only did these things to still keep the control. he said 4-6 for alarm he rocks uo at after 8 pm i try stay out of his way and he wants to feel sorry for me and hug me I think it's only to make himself feel better. the following day bc I again dont cope text him. he ignores it all, then knew I had got outfits previously for a function and when I had mentioned in a text I'd wear one he commented that he would be happy to give his opinion. that's when I realised he had no interest to reply to anything else but that? so I said no. basically that he couldn't care less and it's apparent he has found someone else so wouldnt care less if i moved on woth someone let alone see me in a dress. I stated I had been a complete foolhe didn't reply. following morning I got a text just so you know I am not seeing anyone and I'm getting annoyed you keep saying I am. I ignored it then later that night ask how our son is and if he sleeping I didnt want to reply bc he says that when he knows I think I have to reply. eventually I wrote he's good.he wrote straight back did he have any probs going to sleep ? I know as soon as he knows I reply he then ignores everything again so I ignored ithaven't heard from him sincehe has really messaged me up (cheated on me overseas when I was pregnant, lied, put me down, blamed me for all aspects about me tht ruined us when it was himhelp

MotherDuck its a daily struggle
  • replies: 2

My partner and I separated while I was pregnant with our youngest (now 8 months old) he came back, left again twice and then 2 weeks before Xmas moved out again. I was behind in rent, had disconnection notices and had Xmas laybys to finalise for 5 ki... View more

My partner and I separated while I was pregnant with our youngest (now 8 months old) he came back, left again twice and then 2 weeks before Xmas moved out again. I was behind in rent, had disconnection notices and had Xmas laybys to finalise for 5 kids. He also took the 7 seater car he bought the day after our youngest was born (even though he has a car with all costs covered provided by his work) he's only recently started paying minimal child support. I have no family close by for support and lately, everything feels like such a struggle. My 2 year old does what 2 year olds do best - tests the boundaries several times a day, my 8 month old will go to other people but if I try to leave the room (or he can't see me) he screams blue murder. I was once a very fit and active person (daily workouts at the gym) this has come to an abrupt stop since the youngest was born. I've tried leaving him at the gym creche but he won't have it! I feel so much anger toward my ex. He still plays sport and does as he pleases.... I have said to him a few times "I don't get time to myself, i have these kids with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no support from anyone" his response was "you do get time to yourself, when they go to bed at night" so my time to myself consists of washing baby bottles, cleaning up after dinner and then going to bed - hoping the younger ones both sleep, rather then waking up several times. I sometimes feel like a caged lion, trapped, restless and so frustrated. I used to be such a happy, energetic and upbeat person...I look at myself now and often ask myself "where did that person go?" If you got this far - thanks for taking the time to read this.

Poohy Feeling helpless, upset, depressed
  • replies: 1

I have been with my bf for 5 yrs. he is an amazing person. Funny, loving & caring. But he is a recovering alcoholic and has depression and as a result he lapses. He is on anti depressants and goes to counselling etc. but this doesn't seem to be helpi... View more

I have been with my bf for 5 yrs. he is an amazing person. Funny, loving & caring. But he is a recovering alcoholic and has depression and as a result he lapses. He is on anti depressants and goes to counselling etc. but this doesn't seem to be helping. Things will be going great for a few weeks and I think, finally we are getting somewhere. But then out of the blue for no reason at all something will set him off. The problem is he gets verbally nasty and he just takes off and disappears. He will go missing for days on end with no contact. I never know if he is ok. I don't know how much more I can take. I want to be there for him and keep supporting him, I love him to death but in 5 years our relationship has gone nowhere. I'm not getting any younger and want to have a happy marriage and have kids. Is he ever going to change??? What do I do?

WineLips Grieving the loss of trust - Once a cheater, always a...?
  • replies: 5

Hello all, It's my first time posting here. I have been married for over three years now, we work very well together in balancing each other out and there is a lot of love in the relationship. I have always had generalised anxiety, and assisted mysel... View more

Hello all, It's my first time posting here. I have been married for over three years now, we work very well together in balancing each other out and there is a lot of love in the relationship. I have always had generalised anxiety, and assisted myself by focussing on the needs of others. The two years leading up to our marriage my husband was 'broken', working through a lot of things, severe depression, bipolar type 2 (with no highs/mania), different medications, hospital stays, I was there through the thick of it, giving my all and walking on egg shells, I did it because I loved him and knew what he could be. It left me ravaged, a shadow of my former self, physically and mentally. He is now a man who works full time, with little-no impulsive behaviours, he is not on medication and most days appears much saner than myself. Just recently I have called him out on a few occasions I thought he cheated, I was right. Prior to marriage there were a couple misadventures, they were one off things but they happened. He had denied these happening for so long. I'm not so hurt by the acts themselves, it's more so that he took so long to tell me and the fact that I was giving him everything when these things happened. His explanation is 'i knew I was going to marry you soon, so, it was stupid and I feel disgusted'. I can't look at photos of us from 4-5 years ago without feeling sorry for myself, I see this 19 year old, 48kg girl who had nothing left for herself because she was giving it all away, and for what? To be disrespected? I want to stop being untrusting of him, he has told me they were the only occasions and nothing has ever happened while married. But I'm scared because I'm aware he's denied misadventures before now. Is there anyway to know for sure he won't do this to me again? Any signs I can take as good reasons to reinstate full trust? I don't want to sabotage our relationship by being my own private investigator all the time. I certainly cannot have children like this, it wouldn't be fair. I just want to trust again and to be able to look at those engagement photos with loving eyes instead of disgust. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated, Thank you

Raphikus Sad, feeling hopeless
  • replies: 5

It's been almost 2 years since I split from my ex and I thought I would get out of this gutter/hole/void/whatever.... since then I have lost my job and everything. What makes it worse is that I miss my son and I don't see him very often and everytime... View more

It's been almost 2 years since I split from my ex and I thought I would get out of this gutter/hole/void/whatever.... since then I have lost my job and everything. What makes it worse is that I miss my son and I don't see him very often and everytime I think about him I burst into tears.... and now I have a girlfriend and I thought maybe this will get me back up to my positive self from 2 years ago and it seems like I am pushing her away as well... sigh.... life seems to be so much of a hassle and yeah... don't know what to do... don't know what to think...

lonleygirl doing it all on my own
  • replies: 3

Ok so I am normally quite timid about expressing my feelings & emotional but here goes. So my so called "life partner" did something quite selfish which resulted in him being locked up for 6months which he is still currently serving. He had his reaso... View more

Ok so I am normally quite timid about expressing my feelings & emotional but here goes. So my so called "life partner" did something quite selfish which resulted in him being locked up for 6months which he is still currently serving. He had his reasons for doing what he did which I will never fully understand or condone but I have decided to stick by him through it. I'm just having. Hard time with being on my own, I don't have any friends or support around me just my two kids (8yr old boy & toddler girl) sometimes I just have a hard time functioning in the norm. I have so many feelings rushing throughout me thease last few months from (happy,I can get threw this to depression, blame, rage & anger) I have always felt a little depression before this had all had happened from the things I had endured in the past but was able to keep myself busy with work & a hobbies , but now this whole situation has caused me to lose my job as I cannot get any help/childcare for my children & no one to watch the kids so I can just hop on my horse & go for a ride which always helped me when I was having a rough time. I am suffering more from the lonleyness this has caused me, I have tried to reach out to a few people, but I think my needyness right now eather is offputting or people don't like the fact that I seem weak right now even though I am infact the opposite I just need some one to talk too. It's hard raising two kids on your own struggling with the constant judge ment from family & on top off that . This year I was diagnosed with a autoimmune disease so running around to appointments & prison visits with a toddler is extremely hard also which adds to things . Would love to hear from someone going through or someone who has gone threw a similar situation & to hear how they got threw it because some days I just feel like giving up!!

Imageguy There is a light at the end of the tunnel
  • replies: 6

It's been a long time since I have posted anything the last time was Fathers day 2014. So I thought I would give an update on myself. Yesterday the Federal Circuit Court ruled in my favor. Finally someone has seen tho the lies and false accusations t... View more

It's been a long time since I have posted anything the last time was Fathers day 2014. So I thought I would give an update on myself. Yesterday the Federal Circuit Court ruled in my favor. Finally someone has seen tho the lies and false accusations that were laid on me by my ex partner. The last 12 months were a living hell since this all started. Not being able to see my doughter, loss of job, home and having my personal property taken by my ex partner from a storage unit and living on very little money every week. But it all ended yesterday. I will now get to see my doughter and I am happy. The rest the home gear job will all come with time. So how did I make it when I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel? About 4 months ago I woke up one morning and decided to join a gym and I have been working out nearly everyday since lifting weights and doing cardio as well. Believe me my whole attitude did a 360 towards life. The fact was not lost on everyone who knows me. Today was my last appointment with my therapist as I now have a five year plan and a very bright future ahead of me. I will also continue to take that one little pill every night. So when all is looking bleak and you don't think there is any hope? There is go talk to someone, seek professional help, and before you know it you will be where I am today. I was a guy that was only minutes away from doing the unthinkable to myself. Have a great and happy life everyone. Imageguy

need_a_helping_hand Just dont know anymore
  • replies: 3

Im not sure where to start so ill just give some info. I have been with my partner for 2 years now. We have had 2 kids but lost the first.All thru the relastionship there have been her previous males that she used to see msging her and when i found t... View more

Im not sure where to start so ill just give some info. I have been with my partner for 2 years now. We have had 2 kids but lost the first.All thru the relastionship there have been her previous males that she used to see msging her and when i found this stuff i wasnt happy. it wasnt just a simple hi its more of sending pics to her and telling her they want her and she even flirts back!! i dont get it. we had our first and we lost him. I thort it made us even closer.Then i found her lying about stuff and then deleting txts saying that she has no privacy. I tell her about the msgs and ask why but she turns it around and makes it im the bad one. During the day if she is working i have to look after her other kids or the baby for the few hours at work. but now when she gets home she is on fbook and barley talks to me. always msging this one friend that is a female.When she goes out with that friend tho she is never on fbook and may send me one or 2 msgs??? she doesnt want to leave me but she pushes me away with everything, We have sex like once every 2 months. she says its because she had a baby. but if so why text other guys and delete them. are they flirting? I just dont get it anymore.I love her to the moon and back but this is slowly killing me inside. I couldnt live without my son so im not gona be the one to say its over. Im just so lost. Ive had a few past relationships where they have cheated or gone weird but my current partner gives me a feeling of love like none of the other ones.I love her to bits but cos of all the txts and secretness i find my self checking her fbook wall and her phone bill to see who she has msged. I hate this. And her friend is the type of person that would support her cheating on me. There is nothing i can say because it just turns to fights. She is defensive about every thing to do with msgs or what she did when she goes out with her friend.Am i just to paranoid? I have mates that have great relationships n when i talk it just seems they are like oh ok. I feel alone in this. My brother and sis knows whats going on and they have said to go straight to them if we break up but i still feel so alone.I dont want to leave her cos i cant stand to be away from both of my sons. I couldnt spread his ashes because if we did i would feel like i have lost him forever aswell. but at the end of the day when she is out i just feel like crying cos its doing my head in.

Lyndsay101 Trying to find a way
  • replies: 1

I am feeling so alone in this world. My relationship has foundered and I have lost a feeling of family, love and security. I am living on my own and due to a chronic illness I cannot work. I have two beautiful dogs and without them I would surely cru... View more

I am feeling so alone in this world. My relationship has foundered and I have lost a feeling of family, love and security. I am living on my own and due to a chronic illness I cannot work. I have two beautiful dogs and without them I would surely crumble. I am thinking of volunteering for the aged in my area but don't seem to have the confidence in doing that either. I don't have many friends and the ones I do are all busy with their own lives and families and I don't want to burden them with my feelings of rejection, failure and loneliness. I wanted to get on this site to listen to others in my situation and to learn from them how to cope and ultimately be able to help others with this issue. I have clinical depression for which I am on medication for but feel that it is not helping on some days when it really is bad. Just to have a connection to others is something I need to help me through these days. I would welcome any and all replies and helpful suggestions for my situation.