Sexless marriage, can I save it?

[SadSack]

Hi all,

I'm new to forums, so please be patient if I mess up the etiquette or formatting etc.

I find myself in a situation within my marriage  that I could never have imagined even 5yrs ago. We have been married for 34 yrs (myself M 65yo, her 61 yo)& we had always enjoyed an intimate & sexually satisfying relationship.

Around 5yrs ago everything came to a dead stop, no intimacy & no sex despite frequent attempts on my part & constant rejections. I was aware that menopause symptoms had been fairly noticeable so I tried to be patient & supportive hoping things would return to some sort of normal & switched focus to seeking intimacy rather than physical sex, but I found that even an embrace or touch of any kind (not sexual) caused her to recoil rather than reciprocate. We last had physical sex 3 yrs ago when I reminded her it had been 2 yrs since our previous tryst. She laughed at me at the time & I was genuinely hurt by that. Several weeks later she seduced me totally unexpectedly, but it was obvious to both of us it was done as a guilt trip more than anything.

Now a further 3 yrs down the track I find myself becoming bitter & angry at her dismissive attitude. Around 9 months ago she had a coughing fit that unfortunately resulted in a prolapsed bladder which she is waiting to have surgery on (hopefully soon). I suggested maybe we could engage in some mutual non-penetrative activity but she blankly refused. This medical condition has now become the excuse she needs to justify her position, even though the rot had set in 5 yrs earlier.

I'm sorry for the long winded post but I'm at my wits end. I'm even considering visiting a sex worker or finding a casual hookup, but I know this is only postponing the problem & I still love my wife despite all this & don't want a divorce although that is starting to look like the only final resolution.

Hoping someone on here might have some similar experience & clear headed advice as my head is all over the place right now. 

Thanks for listening.

Sad:-(

[Red-Gum]

Dear slightly less Sad Sack,

well, there's some progress? 

But there does seem to be a need for counselling, as you are still not happy.

My ex wouldn't go to counselling and then I knew nothing was ever going to get any better so left and I was no longer in love with him. I did a lot of therapy and brought a vibrator and then found happiness!  

Financially, it's been tough.

I hope you get this sorted.

Cheers,

Red Gum.

[Guest_66595267]

Dear S

I am sorry to hear you are going through this forced celibacy situation. It’s very unfair and unfortunately common. I have heard similar stories so many times from married clients. 
The lack of intimacy that tends to get lost when one person decides they no longer want sex is extremely painful. The partner who refuses to discuss the situation- this isn’t ok and if they won’t consider counselling it leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

What I have found in these situations is that the person who no longer wants intimacy will also not be open to you fulfilling that need elsewhere. 

I am a former sex worker so I have had quite a lot of experience with this. I will say that it’s a less risky way to go than an affair ( remember the third person can also get really hurt being a substitute for what is missing in your marriage) I have found that a lot of married clients do become very attached to sex workers however, so something to be mindful of. 

I hope your wife agrees to therapy but if not you are well within your rights to say 

I hear you. You don’t want sex anymore and want to stay married. In that case I am going to find intimacy with someone else as I am not prepared to be in a marriage with no sex or intimacy.

Put the ball back in her court 

Hope this helps