This is the first time I have posted in 8 years and I'm in a much better place than I was back then through lots of hard work and life changes such as surrounding yourself with the right people no matter how small that circle is and yes it generally gets smaller as we get older. I feel like posting again and getting a few thoughts off my chest. To anyone reading this to you can overcome anything with the righty support around you, doing positive things and trying to be a good person.
I just found out a few weeks ago my father had passed away. we hadn't spoken in about 15 years anyway so he wasn't a part of my life anyway. when I got told I was shocked but felt no emotion whatsoever. Does that make me a bad person or cold hearted? I don't have hate for any of my family except my sister she is the only one I speak to and love out of everyone and I'm a 41 year old man now with my own life.
I'm not looking for sympathy as we all have our own stories and experiences but since I left home when I was 16 I have struggled immensely mentally. More so it really started to hit me when I was 23 as the seeds of depression and anxiety had been planted when I was young and what myself and other 2 siblings experienced growing up.
I guess through my experiences it has made me cold hearted in regards to if someone is negative or toxic family or not they will not be in my life. I will not continue to be hurt physically or mentally by anyone especially as I have my own life now. The only question I have really is I don't understand how someone can have 3 kids out there and even as they face death feel no remorse or empathy or want to make direct contact on the way out. My phone number hadn't changed from when he told me 15 years ago I'm busy call you next week same old spiel from the man who helped bring me into this world. Just showed me he was a coward whilst living and before exiting this world. He was married to a controlling and evil scientologist who may or may not have told him to forget his 3 kids existed. You know there is a problem if all 3 kids move out before they are 16 the home obviously isn't a happy place.
This grinds my gears more so because my partner and I now who is the best thing that's ever happened to me are trying to have just one child through ivf as we both have our own health issues and we have failed 3 times already. we would be amazing parents and would love that child through any circumstance which is what or my siblings never received. That frustrates me if I'm being honest and all I want to know is why you never wanted to know about your 3 kids? Cowardly act from the ultimate coward even at the end.
I am very empathetic I actually cry in movies that have family situations or close loving relationships or just emotional moments just ask my partner every time I'm gone haha the waterworks are on. But with people who I feel nothing for I or who have hurt me i can go the opposite so I hope that is a normal feeling. Sometimes I feel darker thoughts towards people who have harmed me but I am much better at controlling those these days through the immense counselling and medication and support from my now partner.
i guess our experiences as children make us into who we are as adults good and bad and i still hear the voices in my head and picture things that happened like it was yesterday but you get better at controlling and accepting them in time. I hope all the parents reading this understand what you do today will impact on your kids for the rest of their lives so be careful what you say and do and how you act because time doesn't erase just allows people to potentially control better.
