Sexless marriage, can I save it?

SadSack

Hi all,

I'm new to forums, so please be patient if I mess up the etiquette or formatting etc.

I find myself in a situation within my marriage that I could never have imagined even 5yrs ago. We have been married for 34 yrs (myself M 65yo, her 61 yo)& we had always enjoyed an intimate & sexually satisfying relationship.

Around 5yrs ago everything came to a dead stop, no intimacy & no sex despite frequent attempts on my part & constant rejections. I was aware that menopause symptoms had been fairly noticeable so I tried to be patient & supportive hoping things would return to some sort of normal & switched focus to seeking intimacy rather than physical sex, but I found that even an embrace or touch of any kind (not sexual) caused her to recoil rather than reciprocate. We last had physical sex 3 yrs ago when I reminded her it had been 2 yrs since our previous tryst. She laughed at me at the time & I was genuinely hurt by that. Several weeks later she seduced me totally unexpectedly, but it was obvious to both of us it was done as a guilt trip more than anything.

Now a further 3 yrs down the track I find myself becoming bitter & angry at her dismissive attitude. Around 9 months ago she had a coughing fit that unfortunately resulted in a prolapsed bladder which she is waiting to have surgery on (hopefully soon). I suggested maybe we could engage in some mutual non-penetrative activity but she blankly refused. This medical condition has now become the excuse she needs to justify her position, even though the rot had set in 5 yrs earlier.

I'm sorry for the long winded post but I'm at my wits end. I'm even considering visiting a sex worker or finding a casual hookup, but I know this is only postponing the problem & I still love my wife despite all this & don't want a divorce although that is starting to look like the only final resolution.

Hoping someone on here might have some similar experience & clear headed advice as my head is all over the place right now.

Thanks for listening.

Sad:-(

Croix

Dear Sadsack~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope it helps, if you look around you may find others where one partner has lost interest in sex and the other has not - and how they coped.

In my own case due to surgery and medication my libido became zero. I felt very guilty about this and my partner and I had been enjoying intimacy at all levels. The problem was compounded by the fact I did not want to kindle feelings in my partner I could not satisfy so tended to avoid all forms of physical intimacy.

This of course made me seem standoffish and not as loving and that in itself hurt my partner.

While I'm guessing your partner may have had no desire due at least at the start for physical reasons related to age and menopause, and this became a way of life.

I would think it would help if you were both able to be very frank with each other, and that is not an easy thing to do, so I'd suggest couples counceling.. A third person will often make the process a lot easier. Then you both will know where you stand.

It may be a question of continuing on a non physical relationship with the person you have loved for 34 years, having no expectations. That lack of expectations may be easier for you both. Then there my be a way of some physicality you both enjoy.

Divorce of course can be another alternative, but it is a huge thing emotionally, financially and many other ways, and I'd not be sure either of you would automatically be happy as a result.

The third option if you are seeking physical release may be to do what you have contemplated and seek pleasure elsewhere. You may find it does not give you what you expect unless you form an outside relationship, which may be hard on the third person, and may damage what you have now, particularly if you try to hide it.

I'm not sure there is a perfect solution, however this may all be crossing bridges before you come to them, counceling may make things clearer or improve them for you both. I'd recommend Relationships Australia(1300 364 277 ). If they do not have a center near you thay may be able to suggest a suitable resource that is.

If you felt like coming back and talking some more that would be great

Croix

SadSack

Hello Croix, thank you very much for your input.

I do find myself withdrawing or become more "stand-offish" as you mentioned & I think this is actually something that I'm sure she's noticed. I think she knows something is wrong & I can feel her withdrawing a little as well, but of course it is all too easy to start imagining these things as my mind is spinning like a top. Day to day interactions are still polite & we even have a laugh together at some things every now & again & I actually have to remind myself in these moments that I'm still hurting underneath it all.

I know at the heart of it this all sounds very selfish of me, after all it is not I who have had to endure a hysterectomy (12 yrs ago) or menopause (7yrs~) & now the prolapse scenario (9mnths & counting), but I cannot ignore the rising resentment & rejection I feel every day & I have already considered just walking away from the marriage on several occasions now.

I am ready to sit down with her & discuss my concerns at length, but I know I have to tread carefully as she can be volatile when confronted with uncomfortable truths. I am thinking that a serious discussion would also include asking whether she would be open to counselling or other professional options.

Seeking to meet my needs elsewhere is something I'm scared to raise in this conversation as I know she would see that as immediate cause for divorce which is not what I want & I hope she doesn't either. At the risk of sounding materialistic, our entire retirement & living strategies going forward would be a shambles if we had to unravel 34 years of joint assets & investments, not to mention the impact on our family/s.

Thank you Croix for taking the time to listen, even just putting all this in type is helping me to examine & better understand my true feelings.

Red-Gum

Dear Sad Sack,

My first time on the forum and I saw many parallels with my own marriage, where I was so miserable nothing helped, and after 19 years I ended up divorced.
You should be congratulated on 34 years of marriage. It’s really an amazing achievement.

where I’m hearing your distress (and red flags) is the lack of intimacy, even non sexual, in the relationship with your wife. This appears to be causing you unhappiness, to the point you are considering divorce.

As stated before by another, if you cannot get her to agree to counselling, then you are at an impasse.

My ex refused to see anyone, gaslighting and blaming me, until I discovered he is gay, and having multiple sexual partners. Even then, he refused to admit to the truth, and the lying was my exit ticket out of there. Now, 6 years later, I am on my own, not having bothered with a partner, and I’m still trying to find happiness. So divorce means I don’t have to put up with the lies but financially it’s hard.

It’s great you wish to resolve this issue but if your wife doesn’t want to seek counselling, then that goes a long way to answering your question, which is really should you leave or not.

A lot of people have affairs, and gauging from what you are saying, I think you would have gone (or have already) down that road.

It seems that your feelings of frustration and being unhappy have deeper roots. Deep enough that ifs only your financial situation, and the fear of uncertainty about finding a suitable future partner, holding you back. If you reframed the situation- for example, there is no financial obstacle, would you leave? Or, what realistically could your wife do- or you to do romantically- that would change the situation so you stay? (I should add that many women are completely bored sexually within 1 year by their partners because they refuse to learn to satisfy them). Or, if intimacy returned in your relationship, would that really fix the problem?

Nobody has the right answer and only you can make these decisions.

Cheers,

Red-Gum.

SadSack

Thanks for your response Red-Gum.

Sometimes it is valuable to get a different (female) perspective on things as I'm sure we would all agree that women & men look at things with completely different lenses, not good/bad or better/worse, just different.

I have been faithful for the entire 34 yrs of our marriage & have never sought any attention outside, despite being presented with the opportunity on several occasions.

There is one thing that I buried for years that I find myself returning to recently that stokes my resentment a little. When we 1st met she had a 2yo daughter that I helped raise & treated as my own. I'm very proud of the young woman & mother that she has since become however we were unable to have a child of our own together & despite several rounds of IVF in the early years we were advised that we would likely not be successful, infertility was not specifically attributed to either of us so we gave up on it. My perspective was that we had a daughter together (albeit a step daughter for me) & that would be our focus. I only recently have revisited thoughts of what my own offspring would be like, sometimes even regretting the fact that I didn't move on while I was still able to father a child with someone else. Anyway this is just a distraction from the current issues we have but it is one of many regrets that seem to pile up in the back of my mind exacerbating the feelings.

As for seeking outside attention, I could seek the services of a professional, which in some ways might even be acceptable to my wife as it's a transactional solution that involves no emotion or attachment. However I don't know if it's perhaps emotion & attachment that I'm craving as much as sex, in which case an affair may be a better, but possibly much more dangerous option. After 35 years off the market i don't even know if I'd be able to pull off an affair anyway & I think the guilt would kill me. Divorce would be an absolute last resort for me but if it was the only way to restore my self esteem & reclaim my life I guess it may yet come to pass.

I'm very sorry to hear about your previous partners dishonesty & I'm glad that you have proven to yourself that you are strong enough to move on & forge a happier life for yourself. Kudos to you.

cheers.....

Sad 😞

Red-Gum

Hi Sad Sack,

thank you for your reply and your honesty.

It’s important to pay respects to your feelings, and validate that you have worth, and you are still a vibrant man who still has a lot of living within yourself and a future life that could be fulfilling and emotionally rich.

I do recommend reaching out to services that can support you.
I used MindSpot, a free service over 8 weeks that uses CBT and a therapist weekly.
I also use ChatGBT as support when things got hairy and something besides the dog to talk to and I have a psychologist appointment booked in, all of which to assist me in gaining and maintaining good mental health.

What I am hearing (and I could be so wrong so apologies) is that your masculinity is under threat. I say this based on the physical rejection from your wife, even to touch, and then your rumination on not fathering your own child.
So that’s one interpretation.
Then there is your very human need for intimacy. And there’s a difference between sex and making love too, which you are well aware of.
Perhaps what can help you is thinking, if this situation occurred to my best friend (or any male in your life), what would you suggest?

That is usually a good way to get to the heart of the matter.
I would also encourage you (unless you already have) seek and/or expand your activities group. Think ParkRun (free and a great way to make friends and you can walk it as well), meetup, golf, special interests groups. Stitch is a paid platform to meet and make friends (and relationships if that’s what you seek) and thats $120 a year. Your wife may even join with you.

I think it’s great you have started to reach out and your emotional state is valid but the sadness is only a symptom of unhelpful thoughts.
You are the master of your own ship, and you are already navigating rough seas, you just need a bit of support to get you to shore again 😊

Cheers,

Red-Gum.

SadSack

Thanks again for your input Red-Gum I truly value your opinions.

I'm currently preparing to have an attempt at sharing my feelings with her & laying it all out on the table. I've investigated local relationship counselling options to have the information on hand should she be willing to pursue that together. Ironically an hour with a counselor is about the same rate as an hour with a sex worker. I found that quite amusing at the time but now on reflection it's just sad.

Anyway, wish me luck. I'm trying to find a time that won't leave us brooding over it for too long in an empty house together as the silence will be intolerable.

I sometimes feel like maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but then I think to myself, what if I never have sex again for the rest of my life, can I handle that?

Time will tell I guess.

Anyway, thanks for listening as always, will update with the outcome sometime soon.

cheers....

Sad 😞

Croix

Dear Sadsack~

I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, intimacy can be very important part of a relationship as it involves not just physical activity but enjoyment and being together with affection

If that is cut off by one partner then it makes a huge difference if the affection is not carried on in another way. So your idea of having a frank talk with you partner and having counseling details to hand is probably the best way to go about things.

I would suggest, as your partner laughed at you when you raised the subject in the past that perhaps your efforts might concentrate more on getting her to counceling, as this will give a third party entry to the discussion which can be very helpful. Just you and your partner talking may just end up with nothing changed.

I was a bit amused at your ironical pricing of the two services until I thought about it as one does give a modicum of hope for togetherness not provided by the other.

Good luck

Croix

SadSack

Well, discussion has been had.

Volatile as expected, also as expected, everything was blamed on me for highlighting her failures & her current medical issues. I pointed out the issue is much longer term than that & not just a sexual one, but she refuses to acknowledge that. She sees no need for counselling so I guess I know where that hourly fee will be spent. Oddly, she has started kissing me goodnight again & holding hands when we cross the road, I guess that's something.

Holding onto hope that at least now that it's out in the open she will consider how her actions or lack of them affect me. Anyway thanks as always for listening, will update with any future developments.

Cheers......

Slighty less Sad Sack :-I

Croix

Dear Slighty less Sad Sack

I guess despite her failing ot take any responsibility or understanding with her words you must have struck a bit of a chord for her ot kiss you goodnight and hold hands at times.

Maybe it's a start and things will improve

Croix