Is this a normal situation and what’s right?

[Guest_07328851]

During wedding planning, there is both a pre-wedding/layliyeh/kina and the wedding.

Of course there will be gifts at these events and usually it’s money in an envelope.

Story: One of the couples mothers requests that she collects and takes the envelopes for BOTH events, so the NEXT day the bride, groom and herself go through the envelope so she can ascertain who paid what to return any favours and see family friends input.

The bride AND the groom, say they should take the envelopes and go through it together, and make a list of the names and what they gifted and provide it to the mother so she knows.

It was insisted there is no need for that, and that they can go through them together the next day or upon return from the honey moon.

Is this a matter for the bride and groom? Or is it a normal and/or cultural thing for the mother to do and request this.

Should the bride and groom accept this.

Look forward to your answers.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest/new member,

Welcome to the forums,

I’m unsure of different cultures and what is expected at Weddings..

When my son got married (Australian)…they requested nothing from anyone, just there attendance, but they did have a wishing well* where money could be placed in an envelope by guests if they wanted to, on the condition that no names were placed on or inside that envelope…because comparing each others monetary gifts is not right….it’s about the celebration of unity not what each can bring….after they returned from their honeymoon they themselves opened them…They had a rather large wedding card that everyone who attended and signed as well as also adding their congratulations….

In my own opinion ,I think that the bride and groom should be the ones to open the envelopes and keep to themselves who gave what and how much…..talking about who gave this much money could and probably will cause embarrassment to those unable to give as much as the other people…..after all a Wedding is about the love between two people not the gifts….

My congratulations and best wishes for a happy life to the upcoming marriage of these two people…

My kindest thoughts,

Grandy..

[trying_my_best]

Hi @Guest_07328851, welcome! 

It’s certainly a tricky situation the Bride and Groom are in. As someone also engaged, I would say it seems the bride and groom have already made up their minds and would like to do it together. In the end it is a decision completely up to them. I am unsure about a few cultural elements, but from the background you have provided it seems that the decision being up the to bride and groom may still be culturally relevant as well. 

Wishing you the best 🫶

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as I join Grandy in congratulating you both on your upcoming wedding.

Based on a quick Google search, a lot seems to depend upon whether a couple want to partly or fully stick with tradition or not at all, who's covering the cost of the wedding events, who you want to manage the money, whether you want the contributions kept private (to avoid judgement and gossip) etc etc. When it comes to who's covering the cost of the wedding events, in some traditions the parents recoup the money which helps explain why the envelopes are given to them. 

I suppose a lot comes down to all the facts. For example, if it's a fact that the parents are happy to cover all the costs as a gift, with no expectation of reimbursement, then the money is yours to manage. If it's a fact that you want the envelopes to be kept private between you and your partner or you both want to physically receive the envelopes from people directly while thanking them (without a go-between), that's another thing to consider. If it's a fact that you want a fully traditional set of events, that's another thing to consider. Being a deeply feeling gal myself, I've found sometimes it pays to only focus on the facts while taking a lot of the emotion out of things. This way, if other people get upset, I can state the facts to them. While I will still feel for the people involved, it's easier to feel and manage the facts than it is to feel and manage other people's upset. Sometimes I find the facts alone tend to offer a greater sense of clarity, without emotion clouding things.