Hi imdone
I think we all have a sense of self entitlement to some degree but with boundaries. The 'boundaries' part is really important. Whether it's an emotional boundary, a time based boundary, a financial boundary or some other boundary, there are lines that are important to not cross because then we're impacting our relationship with another person (overstepping their boundaries). I imagine if your husband was to celebrate his liberation from working by announcing 'I'm going to drink 'til my heart's content for an entire month and then that's it', maybe you could live with that in a variety of ways because there's an obvious line in the sand, time wise. You could look forward to reconnecting in a month. At the moment he's given you nothing. There's no cut off point to look forward to, perhaps leading you to imagine his plan as never ending.
Instead of focusing on the drinking, I'm wondering if you've asked him 'So, what are we looking forward to doing in retirement at this point? What can you see us doing in a month's time?'. Maybe he's got zero plans, other than drinking, gambling and smoking pot. If he was single, fair enough. Whatever floats his boat. He could do it for the rest of his life if he wanted to. But he's not single and has a responsibility to maintain the relationship and keep it fueled or interesting to some degree. Btw, we don't lost interest for no good reason.
I can recall a few years back sitting alone in one of my meditations. In desperation, I asked 'the powers that be' (whatever they are) 'What do I do to manage my relationship with my husband?'. What suddenly came to mind was not what I expected, 'Leave him alone'. I was expecting something sage-like or some amazing 'fix all'. Nup, it was 'Leave him alone', so I did. After some days of being left alone (to enjoy drinking and watching tv outside of work), he came looking for me. Whether it was out of boredom or something else, who knows. After a few times of this happening, the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks, 'He only comes looking for me when it serves him'. What the hell?! I pointed this out to him while informing him 'I refuse to be in a relationship that is largely self serving, it's just not healthy and I feel it as being enraging and depressing'. A rage filled depressing relationship's definitely not a good one, that's for sure. If I hadn't left him alone, I would never have woken up to the nature of the relationship. I think it's perfectly fair to say to your husband 'If you have no plans in retirement to keep this relationship interesting, I'm just going to lose interest. I can love you and still lose interest at the same time, while you continue to do whatever serves you. I warn you, if I start losing interest while telling you I'm bored with this relationship, don't be surprised'.
It's tough being married to an addict who you love, especially when you're constantly shifting your boundaries for them, enabling them to live the life they want. At some point it becomes a matter of 'What the heck am I doing to myself?'. You can start to lose yourself in the process.❤️
