We (29F, 35M) have a loving, stable relationship. We’re best friends, communicate well, and are very affectionate. We met in a share house, quickly connected, and became official after about six weeks.
The main issue is a significant drop in sexual intimacy after the honeymoon phase. We now have sex about once or twice every two months, and we’ve also stopped making out. This has been confusing and painful for both of us.
I’ve become self-conscious about some weight gain and have blamed myself, though I know there are likely multiple factors. He also previously said he doesn’t masturbate or “can’t.”
Possible contributing factors include:
- High stress, anxiety, and low mood
- His long-term debt and job dissatisfaction
- Living in a stressful share house with a toxic housemate
- Adjustment issues from never living with a partner before
- Emotional stress and self-image issues on both sides
I also have personal trauma I’m working through in therapy, and I earn more than him, which may affect our dynamic.
A few months ago, I asked him to see a doctor. He delayed this for about two months, but has since gone and is undergoing tests (bloods, sleep study) and was told issues like mouth breathing and allergies could be relevant.
Recently, he told me he thinks we should break up, saying he doesn’t feel like we’re in a “real relationship” and doesn’t feel sexual desire for me. This was very painful and unexpected. We both cried and had a very emotional conversation.
He also said he still finds me attractive and later disclosed he has masturbated and watched porn, which surprised me.
After discussing it further, we agreed to try for more time and explore solutions, though we both feel unsettled.
From my perspective, key steps would be:
- Moving out of the current share house
- Improving his financial and mental wellbeing
- Completing medical testing and follow-ups
- Starting couples therapy
- Possibly individual therapy for him (though he is reluctant due to cost)
He later said the main issue, from his side, is that my emotional stress has been affecting his sexual desire, which I hadn’t clearly heard from him before and found very painful.
I feel very confused and deeply sad, and I’m unsure how to move forward. I care about him deeply and thought we were building a long-term future together.
