Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[The_Woodman]

Hi

i have been married for over 30 years and have had major issues with lack of sex with my wife, who I might add is very attractive. After we were going out together and we had an amazing sex life she told me that this is the honeymoon stage and not to expect it to last. Being head over heels in love with her I did not see how/why it would change.

it did,,she had hardly any interest in wanting to make love and the reasons have been, I’m tired, the kids have worn me out, I don’t feel well etc.

i have been there and supported her through many family issues(her family) and she gained a lot of weight over 20 years so she told me that she was not happy with her body and hated me seeing her naked and did not want to make love because she was ashamed of her body. I have always told her that I love her.

a few years ago she had weight loss surgery and lost a lot of weight and looks amazing. Then she had a tummy tuck to get rid off the excess belly skin as she was concerned how she looked.

i thought that this would make her feel happier about her body and would get us back to a normal se life ( we had gone for a year without making love and seperate bedrooms as apparently my snoring was keeping her awake.

we have been sleeping together for the last 2 - 3 years but our sex life has not improved. We now make love every 2-3 months if lucky.

We had a “discussion” tonight about it which resulted in a blazing row and she accused me of wanting sex as it relieves my tension and she feels that it does not relieve hers.

i explained that yes it does help with relieving tension but that is not the whole reason. I want to have the intimacy that a married couple should have.

we have slept in the same bed for a couple of years but there is always a body pillow between us so that we do not touch.

to top it all I have now developed Peyronies disease which she has told me makes making love even more difficult.

I have now moved to the spare room and she has told me that if I am not happy to find someone else. She has been on anti depressants for years.

i do not know where to go from her,

Any advise would be much appreciated as I don’t know if I can go an any longer as I am so depressed with the situation.

I love my wife so much,

[clownartist]

Hi mate,I have empathy for you ,its tough I experienced exactly the same for over 7 years .I would be surprised how many couples live in a sexless marriage .My best mate revealed last week their marriage had been sexless for the last 10 years.Bettina Arndt has done a great video on youtube about this issue;mismatched desire ,grovelling for desire.Might be helpful?It is a difficult subject to discuss but very common.Initiating sex and the rejection is a killer.Intimacy is essential in a marriage even touching and kissing .This song by Bob Lind called "I dont know how to love you" it sums up many issues we face .I dont have the answers how to restore the desire I wish I did maybe the songwriters would be out of business!!

[Juliet_84]

Hi Woodman,

It’s very clear from your post that you love your wife very much, and being told to “find someone else” if you don’t like it must have been very demoralizing. I once read that men need sex to feel good and women need to feel good to want sex. I think that fundamental difference is the cause of many of these gender-based differences. It’s very hard to go to work or to look after the kids, run yourself ragged, not feel great about your body, or be in sweats as you are scrubbing the bathroom and then shift gears and want that desire there. At the start of the relationship, everything is new and exciting, there are no unresolved issues or problems, and it’s so much easier. You said that you used to have sex once per year but now it’s every 2-3 months - could it be that things are improving, albeit slowly? I know it can be hard to be patient, but I expect that nagging your wife for sex or placing pressure on her will have the opposite effect than the one you desire.

[Whyisitsohard]

I feel for you Whatgoeshere. I've been through the same thing for the last 20 years and tried everything mentioned here at one time or another. There's no point even listing all the strategies I've tried. My wife isn't interested at all in any physical intimacy and blames having gone through change of life very early. I think her being an only child and raised to believe sex was something you didn't even talk about has something to do with it. Assurances that she still loves me and that there is and never has been anyone else helps ease the pain a little bit. I even have permission to go anywhere I want to get that part of what she is unable to give me, but that's not what I want. Now that we are virtually the only ones left alone in our house, I'm not sure I can keep going on like this.

[Hannah-J]

It is interesting hearing so many men sexless marriages. I’ve been in a sexless marriage as a female for 6 years and it’s really starting to affect me. A one stage my husband would have sex for 1.5 yrs. that was a few years ago, I’ve been very patient we now have sex generally max 3-4 times a year.

Not sure what to do anymore, maybe my insomnia is caused from being depressed because it’s been going on so long. I can’t handle the silence anymore. But could never leave my beautiful kids. It’s a horrible situation.

I was out with some girlfriends that I had known for a few years from our mums group, over dinner and drinks they all (4) started talking how they were over their husbands trying to have sex all time. I stayed silent and listened, inside my heart was breaking knowing I was the only one who had t had sex in over a year and my husband had no interesting in changing that. A while into the conversation they asked me, I went along with it, but I became quiet and not myself so they started asking questions a few wines later I said my husband doesn’t want sex. they were shocked, I told them to keep it between us. Few days later I find out they had gone and told 3 of our other friends. Bitches, I was embarrassed everyone in that circle of friends knew. Still to this day I won’t speak to them, I’m sure they are to scared to let their husbands near me lol. Not that I would ever do that.

So not only have I got no sex life, or husband that will communicate with me I have also lost friends over it. It’s all been horrible, I feel for everyone going through this situation male or female. I would never have got married knowing I would be loveless for the rest of it.

He says he isn’t gay, he says he has been checked at the doctor, he says he isn’t seeing anyone. ( once we I asked him, he said if I was seeing someone do you think I would tell you?, this made me question things, but between work and kids I don’t see he has time). My family is far, so I have no support or financially couldn’t just leave. Once I said I wanted a divorce and he said he would take the kids as I have no family support and was really nasty about it, that really broke me, as it’s true. He refuses to see a relationship therapist, says they don’t work and doesn’t want to waste money. Funny thing is his mum is one but in another country.

I run a busy business, have kids, that doesn’t stop me from wanting affection and to be loved. I just don’t get it.

[Dogma29]

I've been married for over 10 years now and the amount have sex we've been having has dropped down to near nothing, every 2 months or so. It was even worse at one point when she seemed to think it was a joke whenever I would ask about the possibility of any sex. About this time, after I'd been receiving treatment for clinical depression and was off work for a while, I asked for a divorce, I felt we weren't compatible and didn't have any interest in continuing the relationship. She threatened me if I did that; some things can't be unsaid though. I took her for counselling and she said she didn't mean it. We've continued the relationship but all I think about is the lack of affection and questioning whether I actually love her or not, I don't believe I love her anymore, not really sure if I ever did now; I find her to be an annoying person generally.

I don't really see this going on much longer, but with 2 young kids a divorce would be difficult, I'm trying to not dwell on it but it is difficult, I had stomach pains most of last week and couldn't sleep due to anxiety over the situation, things have calmed a little since.

It's not just the lack of sex and affection, the usual long term marriage issues of lack of excitement in what remains of our sex lives and she shows no enthusiasm when we do have sex. I've decided I don't want to grow old wondering what could have been and have been sneaking around seeing prostitutes and happy ending massage places. Not ideal I guess but it gives me some form of excitement that is completely missing from our marriage. An affair is not going to happen, women are not normally attracted to me, I'm not ugly, just my mannerisms I guess, I also don't have the time for an affair, or the wish to be involved in any other form of sexual relationship, I don't believe in them anymore.

We had marriage counselling at one point but had to stop because she kept arguing with the counselor, my psychiatrist told her she needed to modify her behavior, she didn't agree with him. She is very stubborn and discussing sex with her makes her angry. She is also very controlling and complains whenever I make plans to do things by myself, I generally no longer make any effort to accommodate or please her in these situations anymore.

The relationship could be worse, we are generally on friendly terms with each other, we could be good friends but should be no more than that it seems.

[Nippet25]

In response to Hairboy in particular-

Perhaps it just a generational thing, but to be honest I find many of the complaints and “advice” given on this thread disturbing. I acknowledge that differences in libido are a hard issue to deal with, but sex is not something given as a reward for helping your partner with chores, kids, money etc. I feel sympathy for many of you that there has been little intimacy for years, but consider things from another point of view.

Our partners are under no obligation to provide sex or to just say yes sometimes for the sake of the relationship. Our bodies are our own, and even after 20 years of marriage no one owes you anything. Its a disgusting feeling to be pressured into sex and made to feel like a piece of meat. Don't nag and pester for sex. I'm sorry that I don't have the answers and can't offer much advice for those suffering in this thread, but I do know that anyone who tells someone they should 'just say yes to their partner sometimes' or that sex must be had at least once a month should be deeply ashamed of themselves! What sort of definition of CONSENT are you spreading?

[Dogma29]

I’d have to disagree with you to a degree Nippet25. We should all be going into marriage with our eyes wide open that it is a sexual relationship. If a number years into the marriage you decide you no longer want to have sex then expect the relationship to deteriorate badly or end. After 7 years of marriage my wife said to me that she’d never had any real interest in sex and the frequency has dropped of alarmingly since. If this had been brought up before we married I doubt whether I would have married her.

If a partner decides to have sex for the sake of the relationship then they’ve consented, nobodies talking about forcing their partners to have sex, but discussing a general expectation of what should happen in a sexual relationship is fine as far as I am concerned. If you can’t talk about your sexual needs with your partner then the relationship is doomed.

[The_Woodman]

Dogma29 i must agree with you. if i had known how the lack of intimacy would decline to the extent that it has now become then i would not have married her. Even though i deeply love her and would never change having our children this ongoing situation of over 30 years has led to my depression and now i am looking at dating sites that women who are in the same sexless relationship are on. This is the last thing that i want to do but i can see no alternative.I have spoken about this on many occasions but the end result is always the same, she has no sex drive. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if it is taken away then it hurts. Yes i have been to see her therapist and spoken to him about this matter as well as telling him that he can tell her everything that i have spoken about to him if he feels that it would help the situation. She no longer sees him now so that avenue has gone. I understand that not all couples have a continuous "healthy" sex life but we have gone over a year without making love. Yes i do help her with household chores (and have done ever since we got together) Yes i do love her. yes i am there for her when she has issues and yes i do tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she does not like to initiate the first move but when i do there is always a reason that she is not in the mood. I do not expect sex for helping her around the house. I believe that sex is part and parcel of being married. I have no idea where to go from here other than looking for the intimacy that i miss so much elsewhere.

[GoodWitch]

I'm not sure if I should post here, but here goes. 21yrs married, on the verge of divorce now. For the past 2yrs our marriage has been sexless, except for one time I did it because I felt I had to (our anniversary). The fact is I'd only been having sex with my hub for close to a decade prior to this because I felt I had to. My libido never matched his after the initial lusty period, and he always made it known that was a problem. So I tried to fix it. I tried to fix me, forcing myself to get in the mood rather than wait until it naturally felt right (if I waited that long, a week or so, my hub would become impossible to deal with). All this did was add to the constant pressure and make me feel inadequate, like I had to 'perform' in order to be loved.

Once I had kids it became harder to keep it up. But I did, for years, because he was moody when he went without and everyone suffered. I felt like I had to sacrifice myself for domestic harmony, and I can't tell you what a horrible, empty feeling that is. It is as Nippet said, I felt like meat. My love for my husband died, because I saw that he was willing to put his physical need for an orgasm over my mental health. He admitted in counselling he knew I hadn't felt like it all those times he nagged me into it, but he took it anyway because going without was 'hard for him'.

I guess what I'm saying is, there may not be a 'solution' to this kind of thing. if these women are saying they don't want sex, they don't want it. It's unlikely changing your behaviour will fix that, and if it does, congrats, you've successfully manipulated the woman you love into having sex out of fear of losing you or the marriage. Is that what you want? Maybe it is. Be honest about it if so.

If you think sex is more important than your marriage, go have it with someone else either with her permission or not.

If you think your marriage is too precious to destroy by making your wife do something she clearly doesn't want, until she resents you bitterly, learn to live without sex. If she were in an accident and was paralysed or brain damaged you'd likely have to. Why is having no libido not considered a legitimate reason to refuse sex? Why is your orgasm more important than how she feels? Just posing questions here.

Yes going without sex can be depressing. Doing it when you don't want to is disastrous to the psyche too.

GW