Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[Michelle2000]

Whatgoeshere how is everything going now?

[aegidius]

Frankly said:

...It's cheeky inuendo creating a moment without having to have it instantly as per agreement.. it's called making your partner want you to walk through the door. It starts in the morning with see you later and goes on through the day by reminding your partner you are there and want them. ...

This is the ideal... but if you have lost the pulling power - the ability to command attention and interest - they will just go on thinking about the housework and the next job to do. This is the situation I am in, a loving relationship to be sure with no thought of leaving on either side, but my chances of arousing interest in my partner - or indeed anyone else - have essentially gone. Whatever attractiveness I may have had in my 30's is no longer there in my 60's.

Most the time I can accept this new reality and get on with life, and sometimes I totally forget myself and I'm in the flow of life - but sometimes it comes up in my face and I go downhill pretty hard.

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for the delay in responding, but good news. I did stick to the plan that I had for a couple of months, but nothing really changed at all. So I changed it a bit, what I did may sound a bit childish at first however stick with me for a bit. First thing I did was get myself esteem in order, made sure I felt good about myself and continued with that. At the same time I stopped having any intimacy with my wife at all, which included no affection what so ever that was initiated by me. That meant no good night kiss, saying I love you before I left for work, that sort of thing. That said, if my wife was affectionate I would be too, I didn't just withdraw and sulk or anything like that.

Eventually my wife asked me why I hadn't been asking for sex at all anymore and I told her that worrying about it was causing me a lot of anxiety, so I just stopped. I explained that I did it because I needed to make sure that I was happy and the only way I could see to do this was too stop worrying about being rejected by not initiating anything. My wife was worried that I didn't love her anymore or I was having an affair, both things I reassured her weren't the case. It did turn into a fight, one of those ones that goes over a couple of days, however we did work through it. My wife said that because I was no longer paying any attention to being affectionate she no longer felt loved by me anymore. This was when I pointed out that is exactly how I felt and that I wasn't going to live like that anymore so I had made a conscious decision to look after myself first then my marriage second. I did also tell her that I was hoping by me doing this would help her see it from my point of view. Basically it came down to if she wasn't going to be affectionate then neither was I. I also let her know that if things didn't change that our marriage would end and that I had been thinking about what life would be like if we got divorced.

Fortunately my wife did see why I was acting the way I was and we did both agree to try harder at making the other feel loved. At the moment we are now having sex more regularly and my wife is more affectionate, which was what I was hoping. I can't say everything is perfect, but it is now a long way from what it was 6 months ago.

[nickypee]

Wow. This was a very fascinating and educational thread. I'm so glad things are on the up for you. I believe we all need to work on our self esteem before we can even feel some kind of happiness. People resting their whole self worth on whether they are getting sex or not is a recipe for disaster. Communication is the answer.

It's so sad to me that a lot of people feel like they have to put up with bad behaviour, subtle abuse and neglect to just stay in a relationship they are miserable in just because they are married. Life is too short to be unhappy. I think the concept of marriage and having to stay with someone no matter how depressed you are is not fair and unrealistic. Of course any relationship will have their ups and downs but there comes a time when enough is enough.

[Its_Just_me]

I completely understand how you feel, im female in a sexless marriage, its hard because im really attracted to my husband and he says he doesn't feel like sex, in his defense he's haf 3 spinal fusions tho, He says he knows he cant please me so he doesnt try, I've given up trying, i cant handle any more rejection. im longing for more affection from him and im getting deeper and deeper depressed about it all... what is the answer, i font know, just hoping talking about it may help

[simplefamilyman]

As i read through these all i can think that a few years ago i was saying ‘this will never happen to me’

now despite all my efforts I feel this is where i am. I saw it coming and tried to do something. Saw she was stressed and not coping with daily life so I suggested she see a doctor.

She did but never followed it up.

Then she suggested my chances would increase if I wasn’t so obvious about wanting sex. It’s reduce the frequency even more.

And its not i don’t do anything around then house. We both work full time, i pick the kids up from daycare, get them showered and dinner cooking before she gets home, help get them to bed after i clean up. Let her sleep in on weekends and keep the kids from waking her up with breakfast, playing with them etc. Make everything as stress free as possible and yet night after I end up watching her go to sleep after I’ve given her the back rub, back scratching or massage that she’s asked me for.

I love her and i know she loves me. I just don’t know what else to do

[Juliet_84]

Hi whatgoeshere,

I think you really need to focus on reestablishing a connection with your wife. There can be a big disconnect between how men and women view sex, men typically need it to feel loved whereas for women, what goes on outside of the bedroom what happens inside it. To do this and it may sound strange/counterintuitive, you need to take sex off the table, at least for awhile. I know that sounds like a long time but you need to reframe how she is seeing sex. She needs to see that you care about HER and not just having your own needs fulfilled. You are more than welcome to give her as much affection as you want during this time, but i wouldn’t even so much as mention sex to her unless she initiates it. It sounds as though she is feeling pressured to have sex and that has turned sex into a chore for her. Make her feel desired during this time, compliment her on her appearance (in a non-sexual way), take her on a date (and don’t expect sex at the end). Once you do this for a little while I’m sure that you will find her initiating sex more, and it will be because she wants to, which will be the nicest part of all.

[aegidius]

... and after all that it still might not happen. It hasn't for me, and I have followed exactly Juliet_84's advice. She will not initiate sex, not now or ever. I imagine one has to not just pretend not to want it, but to genuinely not want it! But what has happened is a surprise - I have given up on it and no longer expect it, which is kind of liberating even thought it may sound sad to an outsider (esp to a outsider who still has a sex life). I am officially an Old Guy, and I'm very glad of the life and loves I have had in the past. The mere fact that I am reading and posting here is evidence that I have not really given up, though, there is a tension here - I am resigned but not yet at peace.

[DanielT]

Hi simplefamilyman,

Have you discussed with your wife about the possibility of getting divorced? As WhatGoesHere's reply to Michelle2000 above suggests, the mere discussion of the possiblity of getting divorced may be the solution to your problem. Please consider.

[Betternow]

Your advice I’m sure is well meaning and truthful from your heart.

However, what if the man is doing all those things that many women recommend ( housework, compliments, not trying to initiate sex etc) for 3 years and there is still no change in the partners attitude.

When I do try to discuss how to improve our communication and affection, the reply is typically along the lines of: stop complaining, don’t be a drama queen, your expectations ar3 too high etc.

I am genuinely interested in your opinion.