Seperated and lost

[Witchy76]

Hi I’m 45 seperated for a year from my husband of 8 years, when we first split I was so focused on what I wanted to do. I wanted my own place near my kids and grand kids etc I was walking 4 k everyday, I was chatting to other people felt like I was happy. But I couldn’t find somewhere to rent, after applying for over 30 houses, there were either too many applicants or I wasn’t earning enough. So I stayed in the marital home while he stayed in the motor home outside. He would come in the house and tell me how much he loved me etc etc but it was more yell at me his frustration. Then he would yell at me that he was going to kill himself . And he was very convincing that that was his plan. After a few not so great dates I had with other people I thought maybe I would give my husband another chance. Now I feel stuck and lost. Depressed and miserable. Stopped walking, stopped being happy. I also have lived with his dad for 8 years in the backyard which I loathe. Would be grateful for any tips advice wisdom a genie to grant wishes . Thanks Ali

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ali,

We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship and the really difficult living situation. It sounds like it’s having some serious impacts on your wellbeing. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here between 11am-midnight... It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[WaterFront]

Hi Witchy76,

A warm welcome to the forums. It must be incredibly frustrating and demotivating to have made a decision you were very happy with and then have circumstances beyond your control (and pressure from your partner) prevent you from being able to fully follow through. It sounds like you are slipping back to an unhappy space through no fault of your own and looking for a way to resolve your situation. I wonder if you would be eligible to access affordable or social housing? This might be an avenue worth pursuing and really the only practical advice I have to offer. Google 'family and community services housing' as a place to start. I know it is really hard to stay positive when you are trying everything you can and feeling like you are not making any progress though I would encourage you to try to keep walking if that has made you happy in the past and to try to do things you have found enjoyable. It really can lift your mood.

My best wishes to you.

WF

[Witchy76]

Thank you for replying.
I’m on a disibility pension for severe anxiety so maybe I would be eligible for some sort of housing help. I did fill out a form for cheaper rentals but never got a reply.

thanks Again

[WaterFront]

Hi Witchy76,

I would say give it another try and see how you go. It would be great to hear how you got on with it if you feel you want to or are able to post. Google 'social housing application' also as there are a few links there which might be helpful.

Good luck with it.

WF

[geoff]

Hello Ali, and thanks WF for replying.

When you first split up you were feeling much better but due to lack of vacancies you stayed in the house, while he was in the motor home, however, the emotional abuse continued, but to give him another chance may be fine for a couple of weeks, but then it's back to how it was before you split up.

To successfully get back together, major changes need to happen but it normally goes back to how it was and a 'foregone conclusion'.

You can do as WF said or contact Anglicare who may be able to provide you with somewhere to live until you find another place to live.

If you do move out then a decision regarding the house/motor home needs to be made, whether you sell both or if he wants to buy you out.

Enjoy your time with your kids and grandkids.

Geoff.

[Witchy76]

Thank you for replying. Yeah I feel I have gone backwards. I have to prepare myself for his emotional abuse. I’m thinking of saving as much as I can and one day just taking everything I have to and don’t look back. He is a good person with a big heart but I see him as a friend, I don’t want to be intimate with him at all, all the times he’s upset me just flash before my eyes and I definitely don’t want to jump his bones.
he is my second husband, I’m good friends with my first husband, I will need to plan more. The wait times for public housing is many years apparently and I have pets I can’t part with.
hopefully. I can sort something out.

thanks Ali

[Witchy76]

Hi thanks for replying,

yeah I had a quick look today, my sister was offered a house after being on the list for 12 years. I don’t hold much hope there. Sadly

I do get excited when I picture myself in a little unit or townhouse though. And then reality sets in and blah.
I think I need a plan because he will just be emotionally abusive again. If he’s not home he asks his dad what I’m doing. He involved my daughter and he rang my sister looking for me when I tried to move on. I’m an adult and don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Is hard because I know as soon as I start the process he’s going to harass my kids and I don’t want to put that onto them. I know there’s worse problems to have, I’m sure I will sort mine. Not easy on a pension though.
I will do what you suggested though , thanks Ali

[geoff]

Hello Ali, thanks for getting back to us.

I know where I live in the country I have a friend who I helped get into a housing unit some 10 or more years ago and he keeps my up to date, and the housing always say that there are no spare units to move in to, but he tells me there are at least 3 or 4 empty flats most of the time but as I say it's in the country.

Rent in Melbourne is extremely high compared to rent in the country, but this might not suit you with kids and grandkids but is something to consider.

You are responsible for yourself to look after, (except for your kids) and don't want to be held ransom by your husband.

We lived on 8 acres but when the divorce went through we had to sell, so I had to move into a house to rent, I was going to buy a place but decided to rent for a while, something I never thought would happen and now rent a two bedroom flat as my physical capabilities have deteriorated, but if you told me when I was living on 8 acres that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Witchy76]

Yes I live on 10 acres too in the country and all my kids are 2 hrs away and I miss them so I would love a unit closer to them to help with the school pick ups etc

breaking up is hard enough as it is and then to have someone behave like that is hard because I care about everyone it hurts to see him hurting but then I’m miserable in the meantime. So I have to get my head around that. I’m in South Australia , so hope they have something for me somewhere. I have emailed Anglicare yay thanks Ali