I was kicked out of home.
I would like to preface this by saying I am safe, with a roof over my head thanks to my mother.
My (F, 19) parents are separated, and I live(d) at my fathers house. He kicked me out today. Full blown no contact, “i never want to see your face again” kicked me out. I know he will regret it, and probably try to make amends at some point. Heck, he was already trying to as I was leaving, but I cannot co-exist with him anymore. He is, and has always been, emotionally abusive. This was the final straw. The last big blowout. It is not good for my wellbeing to associate with him. I cannot deal with his threats, his anger, his projection, or nasty comments anymore.
I always had a sneaking suspicion he would kick me out one day. He made the threats very frequently (over insignificant things like leaving cups in my room or my room being slightly messy), a lot of this is (was?) projection. He is a hoarder and the messiest person I know. Being kicked out was essentially a ticking time bomb. I thought I could tolerate him and persevere for another year or so until I had enough money saved to move out. I was wrong, and unfortunately, he beat me to it by kicking me out first.
I’m pretty much posting to (a) vent, and to (b) express how I am so incredibly worried. And lost.
I’m worried about how this is going to impact the rest of my life. I’m worried about the emotional toll this has taken, and will take on me. I’m worried all my progress is going to regress and I’m going to become so incredibly miserable again. I’m worried about how I’m going to complete or study for my exams next week. I’m worried about how I’m going to pay for all the therapy I will need after this.
(P.S, I feel as though its relevant to mention I have an anxiety disorder and a history of mental health conditions. My anxiety sucks, but my depression got way better and I have been coping incredibly well. I’m not sure I would even meet the criteria anymore.)
I feel, so, so lost. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think we will ever have a relationship again. I was so angry at everything he said. I offloaded a lot of my resentment and frustration towards him. I told him what he was, what he has done to me, and what it has resulted in. I think he found a lot of satisfaction in beating me down and seeing me suffer.
I’m always worried I’ll turn into him one day.
Welcome here to the Forum, a place with gentle people, and where you will see others who have had similar problems and got though.
Having a toxic father, one whom you think may well think enjoys abusing you, is a terrible thing and can influence one's whole life, however your mum's assistance does help a lot.
First I am glad you have a safe place to stay. That makes a huge difference and at least gives you a base from which to study and maybe even get therapy if needed.
I guess I can quite understand the worry over turning out like a parent. I had - at the time - exactly that feeling. My relationship with my parents was cut off by them - permanently. This showed me that while I'd always believed there was love there, in fact there was not, a pretty sad thing.
As it turned out they acted as the perfect example of how not to be a parent, and by thinking on what they did, and then going another way, I managed to avoid all the problems they created. That's not to say I've been a perfect parent, but at teals the faults are my own, having learned from them. I'm a different person.
Offloading your resentment and hurt on your father is very natural and I'm sure nothing to be too concerned about. Anybody can be driven to anger. As for the future of the relationship - are you sure you want to have one -at least in the near future?
It is a great upheaval and I'm concerned you have the support you need. May I ask if your mum is someone you can confide in and shows she cares and understands? If not another family member or friend perhaps? Dealing with all this on your own can be very hard.
May I suggest you see your doctor (if you have not already) and talk about recent events and their effect on you? It may lead to therapy, or leaving you thinking you might wait and see how you go.
Reading your message it looks to me like exams are a bit of a priority at the moment, do you think you can manage? I've found concentrating on study to be a distraction and allowed me to cope with hard times, maybe it might for you too.
Please do come back and talk more, we are here for you
Hi Catlover, thank you for sharing your post, you have written out your thoughts very well. I am sorry that you were kicked out by someone who you trusted greatly - this would be a big shock. I am glad you are safe with your mum.
In regards to the counselling - May I suggest visiting your GP, you are ale to access free services by getting a mental health care plan in place. I have one myself, and find these visits very useful.
Hello Catlover, hi and thanks for posting your comment.
No one should grow up or even be in an emotional abusive r/lationship, simply because it makes you develop a fear of that person, and if your father is messy as well as a hoarder and then to criticise you is like talking as 'chalk and cheese', it's not reasonable, however, in the long run you may be better off to establish yourself, and there may not be any certainty you will be as your father is, simply because that's what you don't like about him.
Can I ask you, and please only answer if you want, but to chose to live with your father, rather than your mother to begin with must have been for a reason.
From what you have been through must have been an awful experience and very sorry you had to, but to live under these circumstances would not be in your best interests and pleased you have moved out.
Has your doctor given you a 'mental health plan', 10 Medicare paid sessions,hich would certainly help you.