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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Newbie78 Toxic personality
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am wondering of anyone here has had experience with a friend or partner who has a toxic personality? I have read a bit about it and think I may be dealing with one. Keen to find a therapist in this field.

Hi, I am wondering of anyone here has had experience with a friend or partner who has a toxic personality? I have read a bit about it and think I may be dealing with one. Keen to find a therapist in this field.

antionette I don't know how else to support my depressed adult son.
  • replies: 3

Hi, Long story short. I have a loving husband and 3 children. My youngest daughter has depression and has had medication and support for a few years now. My Older 20 year old twin son has been diagnosed with depression a few months ago. Hind sight is... View more

Hi, Long story short. I have a loving husband and 3 children. My youngest daughter has depression and has had medication and support for a few years now. My Older 20 year old twin son has been diagnosed with depression a few months ago. Hind sight is a wonderful thing. he should have been seen to long ago as well. He is on medication that I don't think is working - it is the same one we originally had for our daughter, which didn't work for her. He also drinks quite a bit and smokes cannabis which he says helps him sleep. He goes to work and then goes to a mates house until meal time, eats and then retreats to his room. I know there is no right or wrong way, but I get to the point when he comes home and is in a rage over minor things and breaks doors that I want to kick him out. I couldn't actually do it. He won't talk to professionals and his GP is on holidays for the next week and is extremely hard to get in to see. I don't want to yell and make him feel worse. But I also don't want to accept how he makes us and the rest of the family feel. He knows he is struggling and we know he is trying. Any advice is welcome

TornApart Help me help myself
  • replies: 6

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I... View more

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I was 22 when I was pregnant he was 19 then turned 20. I have always been sorry for things in our rs and felt as though I have destroyed what could’ve always been for him. He said that also being so young he has lost a lot over the years. I wanted to get married straight away. He was against marriage as his father is a pastor and his mum and dad seperate all the time!! We’ve practically counselled their rs through about 10 years of ups and downs. I have been through domestic violence through shouting, financial abuse, no friends, grabbing, emotional abuse and no mental support. Then the ptsd is there as he flips and goes really well for a while but we end up back in the same spot. There has been various times I have said I’m going to leave and he convinces me otherwise or shuts me down and says no your not leaving. This has now broken me.I have had a few mental depression episodes and feel like I have completely given up. I have seen our children get in between our arguments, our children scared, our daughters anger and sadness has completely taken over her too. But if I leave, I’m hurting my children and breaking up my family. 3 weeks ago I decided that was it and applied for a house through a friend and actually got it! I felt relieved and that fate had finally appeared for me. That I can finally feel free and try be myself and not depressed. I told him and now he has absolutely love bombed me with flowers, crying, promises of change and that he loves me like no other. I have been through this so many times. He says it’s different this time but it’s so hard to believe. He gets explosive anger because my reasonings aren’t enough and I’m just giving up on our rs and our children. While I think this is the best thing for everyone he is so so stuck on that it’s not the best. He has also said because of my mental illness that I am not going to make it on my own, that the children will be worse off. How do I leave when I don’t get my keys until 4 weeks!!?? How do you tell someone over and over that it’s not working but they’re ignoring you. Not listening. Demeaning your choices. How am I supposed to keep my children? How do you leave someone who just says no.

JimmyT46 My relationship is gone
  • replies: 13

I'm really struggling with my partner of 20 years cheating on me with younger guys. I was loyal to a fault, supported her through alcoholism, her own depression, post natal depression and all the thanks I get for supporting is... "I love you but I'm ... View more

I'm really struggling with my partner of 20 years cheating on me with younger guys. I was loyal to a fault, supported her through alcoholism, her own depression, post natal depression and all the thanks I get for supporting is... "I love you but I'm really attracted to younger guys so I'm gonna go and have sex with them, see you at the end of the weekend". I am a nice guy, average looking, not a monster but not horrible. I've been so supportive and worked so hard for her and our family, and it feels like it meant nothing. I work, cook, shop and provide our single income. Now she is saying she has never truly been attracted,but we have 3 kids. Am I that stupid that I didn't ever notice she wasn't attracted to me. She was also overly jealous... 'she used to constantly ask me whether I hated her, or found others more attractive. It used to be constant and upsetting but now... she wants other guys and finds me repulsive. I feel like everyday is just a new slap in the face. Oh and to top it all off my boss hates my guts and I couldn't get my contract renewed at work. So whilst dealing with all this BS I've gotta be the best version of myself to find a new job. Life just don't seem fair.

Sparks16 Do I have an emotionally abusive parter?
  • replies: 5

Hi Everyone hope you have all had a good week and staying strong in these uncertain times My background is I have a girlfriend of 4 years, 2 kids 1 is 5 and the other under a year , full time jobs etc so a busy household on the daily Just after some ... View more

Hi Everyone hope you have all had a good week and staying strong in these uncertain times My background is I have a girlfriend of 4 years, 2 kids 1 is 5 and the other under a year , full time jobs etc so a busy household on the daily Just after some advice/information/ a different perspective, have found gradually over the last 2 years I’ve felt more and more put down , belittled, criticised by my partner about most things that make me me or about my hobby of running, family members, friendship circles and each time I speak up I’m accused of either being defensive or too sensitive. i really feel I am just the 3rd child in the house at times, sex has totally stopped since she was pregnant 18 months ago and hasn’t been there since after being a regular thing for 2.5 years so very much an physical and emotional gap at the moment. i get accused of having narcissistic personality traits, gas lighting her, emotionally abusing her, so I get quite confused and overwhelmed why I’m being accused of being like this or whether it is true when I’m not the one putting her down and chipping away at her self esteem, only the one trying to encourage her to get back into something after post babies and to see her happy. My girlfriend is quite a strong opinionated personality, very much a perfectionist at times and is a her way or the highway kind of mentality also. To own my part in the relationship I certainly haven’t been perfect over the 4 years and have made some bad mistakes along the way, betraying her trust by confiding in others etc, I have done my best to rectify and fix and continue to show up and try each day but I feel also she has never gotten over this so suspecting this has a part to play? probbaly havnt written this out to make a whole lot of sense but if anyone can decipher or has some advice or an opinion would be much appreciated Thank You!

Sunflower62 Is it cheating?
  • replies: 15

I confess, I snooped on my husbands phone. I know I shouldn’t have but I did and I’m not sorry. I left him a couple of years ago not because I no longer loved him but because I was struggling to live with him. Less than two weeks after I left he star... View more

I confess, I snooped on my husbands phone. I know I shouldn’t have but I did and I’m not sorry. I left him a couple of years ago not because I no longer loved him but because I was struggling to live with him. Less than two weeks after I left he started going out with someone else. I didn’t find this out until about 4 months down the track. He told me they were just friends but he did his best to hide the relationship. Anyway, about 11 months later after a lot of conversation we decided that we should give it another go. She had “dumped” him but they still remained friends. Fast forward to yesterday. I found a text from him to her wishing her a happy birthday. And then I found the photos of her and him when they had been going out that he had saved into “stories”. As far as I know she is in another relationship and has moved on with life. I don’t know what to think about this. Does it mean anything? Does it mean he still has feelings for her? Am I just making a mountain?

A__Culeds Do I stay in a Loveless marriage?
  • replies: 7

Hi there. Have been married for 21 yrs and am 46- with 2 kids. At the start of this year my wife started to get really anxious about intimacy. She said the thought of it made her sick. I suggested counselling and thought she was going through some de... View more

Hi there. Have been married for 21 yrs and am 46- with 2 kids. At the start of this year my wife started to get really anxious about intimacy. She said the thought of it made her sick. I suggested counselling and thought she was going through some depression. She went to 2 sessions and was told that many relationships are sexless and it’s ok. So I basically haven’t touched her in 6 months. Our intimacy and physical stuff like hand holding and kissing has always been instigated by me. We have discussed this many times but now she is done discussing. Says she is not in love with me anymore but we get on well and really are just living as flat mates. We’ve 2 boys- 15 yrs with ASD and 11 yrs. Yesterday I tried to be intimate and she told me to stop. Later that day we had a conversation about where to from here. We both agree that we don’t want the boys to move. I want to do couples counselling but she just doesn’t see the point- she doesn’t see how talking about it will make her want sex. She says she has never really been into it. It is fairly clear that she doesn’t really love me and is more like a flat mate. Her not wanting to fix stuff for me is a sign that she doesn’t love me. She would be quite happy being flat mates. I have been craving that physical side. Don’t know what to do. Do I stay on a loveless marriage where we actually do enjoy each other’s company or do I start looking for love elsewhere. We talked about renting a room in a share house and spending a week at a time in our family home with the boys and one away. Am 99% sure she is not having an affair. I really don’t want my life to change BUT do not want to be with someone who does not love me in the way I need.

Judy H Partner won’t seek help with mental illness
  • replies: 8

Needing some support badly! Ive been with my partner for 9 years. In the beginning, he was charming. We were very happy & so much in love. But through the years, there would be episodes of complete silence from him. He would shut me out emotionally a... View more

Needing some support badly! Ive been with my partner for 9 years. In the beginning, he was charming. We were very happy & so much in love. But through the years, there would be episodes of complete silence from him. He would shut me out emotionally and for days not talk to me. I took the immature path of begging him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, but he would say he “needed to think about things.” Eventually, he would snap out of this and go back to his charming and beautiful self. If I brought up the subject of this “silent treatment “, he would make it clear he didn’t want to talk about it, so we went on with life. However, things have now escalated to the point that he continues to go through days of “silent treatment” towards me, followed by days of verbal abuse towards me. He tells me that I’m the problem & I’m the cause of all his troubles. He tells me I’ve cheated on him, hacked his MyGov account, changed him to behave in this way. This pattern occurs 2-3 times a year, getting worse with each episode. when things do calm down, he is back to his old pleasant self. I try acknowledging the previous behaviour, but he changes the subject and showers with me love & attention to distract me from going any further with the conversation. Things never get addressed & we go through this cycles. This latest episode that we are in now has been horrid. He’s telling me I have to leave, threatening me with comments like “you’ll be getting a letter from my solicitor to get you out”, “I don’t believe you - I want to see a “Stat Dec”, etc, etc. I am at my wits end. I feel worthless and helpless. This has been the worse episode. When I tell him not to speak to me that way, he tells me it’s all my fault & ive turned him into this person. I know what I see now is a totally different person to who he is. Each of the personalities are completely different. I know this ugly person is not my partner & it’s so scary to see him like this. ive told him I believe there’s a problem & how I would support him through thick or thin. But, this makes him more angry & I cop further abuse. It’s reflected to be me with the problems . I’m anxious all the time & not thinking straight. I’m currently in the spare room; I find myself going to bed as soon as I get home from work, just to avoid another onslaught of abuse. If I do approach him & quietly ask to talk about things, I’m the one who ends up crying & saying sorry. please advise as I don’t know what to do anymore

white knight Apologies- within reason
  • replies: 37

I don’t know about you but over my 64 years I’ve met many people that don’t apologise for their wrong doing. Having observed this and was once married for 11 years to a narcissistic wife that never apologised once in all that time, I’ve come to concl... View more

I don’t know about you but over my 64 years I’ve met many people that don’t apologise for their wrong doing. Having observed this and was once married for 11 years to a narcissistic wife that never apologised once in all that time, I’ve come to conclusion that absence of apologies is excess of arrogance, stubbornness or both. Whatever the reason it leaves the more apologetic one with lots of frustration because they, like most, run their lives with apologies as a basic form of expressing regret which is a conventional method of healing so we can move forward. Without that you live a marriage where you question your own judgements when apology is absent. Imo that comes from greater commitment with knowledge that without carrying responsibility for your own errors, the future of the marriage is in jeapody. As my first wife and I had young children when we parted ways we still had to communicate for visitations and pick ups/drop offs and education concerns. This meant a continuous stream of talking flowed on so in effect that stubbornness went on for a further 14 years until the youngest was 18yo, when finally I needed to escape and severed all contact. That’s how bad an “attitude” can be. That was 10 years ago. Yet the scars live on. Now if a friend or relative is in clear error I do like some expression of regret- if it is shown then I click into forgiveness mode quickly- most times. What about an excess of apologies? Commonly found in people with low self esteem, these apologies reflect a domineering factor in your childhood whereby you were told “you are wrong” in an over domineering way- as an adult you continue to feel that guilt and guilt is s terrible backpack to carry around. google beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor Those “guilt” rocks in that backpack should be thrown in the river, revert to normality and apologise only when you are convinced you have made an error. Finally, I learned in training to be a young prison officer that in a group and you make an error (say you incorrectly made an accusation) then the correct action if possible is to apologise to that person in front of the same people. You might feel embarrassment but you’ll gain respect. In a jail it could save your life but respect is hard to gain amongst prisoners, that’s one way of getting it- is to treat people proper. What is your take on apologies? TonyWK

NI1234 My partner loves me, but does he actually want to stay with me
  • replies: 4

I've been with my partner for 10 years, due to health issues sex has been sore, or can't perform. We had just let that side of things slip away, and sorted ourselves out in whatever ways we did. we have been trying for a baby and giving our sexual re... View more

I've been with my partner for 10 years, due to health issues sex has been sore, or can't perform. We had just let that side of things slip away, and sorted ourselves out in whatever ways we did. we have been trying for a baby and giving our sexual relationship hadn't been going well this has had its moments. We both have very low moods, mine because I have lost all self-confidence and his I think because he doesn't feel like a man, not yet had kids, out of work. I have been getting low moods for a while while the stresses of trying to convince also the lack of self-love. My partner is a loving man, but I being his first real girlfriend and now in 30s/40s he didn't always know the right things to say. He told me in the nicest possible way that he wasn't attracted to weight on me, I lost weight, he had also mentioned how I didn't wear makeup anymore etc. I've started trying to make more an effort. I told him recently how he didn't say I looked good etc, he understood and said sorry he just took it for granted, he really does care about me. sex has improved but still issues. Due to my age looking at ivf and each reaching out for help. But as much as he said he loves me and never wants us to be apart, his want for a family now is more. I feel I'm going to lose him if ivf doesn't work, he is younger, it wouldn't be fair to hold him to me if that's his needs. So I could lose my chances of ever having a family and the man I love so dear all in one go, I'm felling apart, and I can't see past him leaving me, I should be looking forward in our process of trying for our family but I'm worried so much I can't even think, and keep breaking down. I have said to him I'll let you go, go get someone younger, not because I want him too, because I love him so much if ivf didn't work I wouldn't want him hating me and regretting us. A good thing is that we are opening up more but, I can't tell him the reason I feel so bad is because he told me in the nicest possible way he wasn't attracted to me and with me losing my ability as a woman to please her man and to give him a child, I am in bits. What do I do, how can I fix this?