I'm reliving a breakup from three years ago

[LK89]

Yesterday I unblocked my ex for the first time since we broke up three years ago and found out he's dating our mutual friend. They're even building a house together. She was there to comfort me and it was her who I confided in when we first broke up because she had also broken up with her fiancé at the time. She knew I still loved him.

I was never too close with her, but we saw each other every week, and we were on the same bowling team for years...I just feel so betrayed by the both of them. I don't believe there was anything going on with them while we were together, but I always had this weird feeling that the two of them would end up together.

Now that this has been confirmed for me, I just don't know what to do. I've been crying all day and night just like during the breakup, and I can't eat, can't sleep, just feel like my whole world is falling apart all over again. It feels like the five 1/2 years my ex and I spent together meant nothing. I feel like an idiot for still caring about him. My intense feelings over the last 24 hours also made me realise that deep down, I was always hoping he'd come back.

My friends and I discussed everything yesterday and thought it would be a good idea for me to get "closure", whatever that means, so I messaged my ex asking to chat. I feel that was a rash decision, because today I don't really want to face him. But he agreed, and actually just sent a message suggesting we meet today. I haven't got my thoughts in order yet so I'm going to suggest a time next week, but ultimately I really don't know whether this will help with my healing or not.

I also just signed up for therapy with BetterHelp, but I'm still waiting on a therapist to be assigned. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support in the meantime because I'm feeling quite alone at the moment.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I see two main issues in your situation that need attention.

1/ Closure- Some people hold onto the past, this is fact and it isnt a healthy way to live. It is, in my experience, something, a state of mind, that is ingrained into our character, it isnt an easy thing to change and therapy is a good way to attempt to correct that mode of thinking.

2/ The relationship between your ex and your (ex) friend. Three years is a long time. What is the allowable/acceptable time for two people to get together after a relationship split? 5 years? 1 year? 1 week? Well the answer is- anytime. The reason is simple- it all has to do with rights, your ex could begin looking for another partner/dating the day after your split from him even if married. In fact some people begin looking when the relationship/marriage is eroding but they are still living together- such is the freedoms we enjoy in this life here in Australia.

For the above reasons your friend had not betrayed you. In fact, two people you know that have found love, the better way to approach this is to feel happy for them. To do that though is to be accepting of your past and again thats where therapy provides that guidance and techniques to enable you to.

The best you can hope for is that "closure" that you have identified as a need but just as important is how you conduct your display of feelings at that meeting. Anything other that showing you are happy for him will be seen as having an ulterior motive, perhaps seen as jealousy or possessiveness.

So, it is hard for you as you have this inground bunch of feelings that have been hurt but having blocked him out of your life you have no grounds to question his decisions nor your friends pursuit of love.

It's what makes up a free society.

I have 3 threads here that might help. Just read the first post. I hope it helps. For what its worth I have in the past suffered the same issues. It's commendable to post so thankyou.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/rejection---it's-hard-to-swallow

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/highly-sensitive-people-(hsp)

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi , I think closure is a good idea, and is a confident, self respecting sfep, as is getting therapy.

Remember Ur rights in all of this, u were affected and u have z right to ask, to k ow, to feel hurt, and to do what you need, to feel better

[LK89]

Thanks Sleepy. Honestly, it just felt really nice to hear that it's okay for me to feel hurt. Thank you.
I'm really looking forward to starting therapy soon.

[rhinoceros]

Hi LK89

I can relate to how you're feeling. It's not the same circumstances, but every once in a while I feel really depressed about a relationship that ended 12 years ago. I've had two other relationships since then, sadly the last one was abusive and ended about 6 months ago, but I never really had any closure around why that first relationship from 12 years ago ended. No reason was ever given.

I sometimes wonder about catching up with her, just to ask why things ended. But it's been so long, it would feel very strange to do that now. She's married now. We're still friends after all this time but I don't think it's appropriate any more to dig up the past with her. Too much time has passed.

I do understand your yearning for closure, I too would like that very much.

[LK89]

Thanks for your message rhinoceros, and sorry for my late reply.

I never did meet up with him, despite him asking what was going on. I was too afraid that hearing the truth from him would hurt me even more. I'm still at the point where all these horrible scenarios about him never loving me are stuck in my mind. I'm sure it's not true but I can't help feeling that way. The fact that the girl he's with now was someone I saw every week over that 5 1/2 years has tainted all my memories of that relationship. It's a pity because he really was a wonderful, kind, and caring person toward me. I wish that the lovely memories left behind could have stayed that way.

Although I'm doing a lot better now, I can see how I may still feel the same in 12 years, like you. I agree, it would seem a bit inappropriate to bring it up now. It's hard to know whether it will help us heal until we actually go through with it.

I'm also sorry to hear about the abusive relationship you endured. I also had that experience, and I hope that you're in a better/safe place now.

Again, thank you for your message. It honestly really helped me.