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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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EightPaws My Son Doesn't Want to See Me
  • replies: 2

I have equal shared time with my kids. Last week my son told me he doesn't want to see me anymore and has cut off communications. He is staying at my former partners house. She doesn't want to encourage him to see me or have contact with me. Today I ... View more

I have equal shared time with my kids. Last week my son told me he doesn't want to see me anymore and has cut off communications. He is staying at my former partners house. She doesn't want to encourage him to see me or have contact with me. Today I saw him in person after a medical appointment and I tried to talk to him to see how we can resolve the issues and move forward. He wasn't willing to communicate and my former partner wouldn't allow us to talk without her being there. Then she drove them off before I was finished. There was no anger, yelling or anything, just his strong reluctance to not discuss it but to have space and time. From what I have gathered the issues have built up over the last year where he doesn't believe I support him in his F2M transition and medical issues. Yet I feel quite the opposite. I think the problem comes from me talking about the medical risks of some transitioning treatments, and making mistakes with pronouns / names, and generally being concerned for safety in public toilets for example. Obviously it is hugely important to him. And its hugely important to me that he and I maintain our relationship. Yet how do I move forward with this if he refuses to talk to me? Is it the right thing to leave him alone until he has the time and space he needs and comes to me? I'm worried if I do that then I won't see him for years. Or do I send him messages in hope that eventually it helps? Or do I see a hard line and go down the legal path and see a contravention order because my partner isn't do her part to help maintain the relationship? I don't think I'll see him for Christmas either. Just needing some advice and perspective on this as I'm lost and it's very upsetting.

ghostgirl22 Insecure Girlfriend
  • replies: 4

I feel so silly writing on here but I don’t have many places to turn to due to embarrassment I feel. I am in a new 5 month relationship. This is my first serious relationship. The past couple of weeks I feel distance from my BF and almost like he doe... View more

I feel so silly writing on here but I don’t have many places to turn to due to embarrassment I feel. I am in a new 5 month relationship. This is my first serious relationship. The past couple of weeks I feel distance from my BF and almost like he doesn’t love as much. I told him I feel as I am more interested in him than he is into me. His response was “ Yeah I don’t know”. From recent conversations he has told me he just isn’t good at expressing his feelings. I don’t know if I am overthinking but I am not 100% convinced. So what else did I turn to, looking through his phone. And yes I feel god awful about doing it, never did I think I would be this type of girl but insecurity does some crazy things. Was I successfully? Well I don’t know found a copy recent messages to some girls on Snapchat but none saved. Could be friends? One he previously use to like. Did I stop there? No. I followed one on Instagram and found a video with her on his shoulders and being touchy. Yes that may be small to some but a part of me wonders why I don’t get that affection? It kinda hurts… I see him once a week for 8 hours if I am lucky. I have never heard of her before. I know I am being crazy insecure and you all thinking what. But I don’t know I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and turn to someone. I just wish I wasn’t like this because I’ll be dwelling over that one video for the next 4 weeks and will have to bottle it all in. If you got this far thank you for listening.

white knight ABUSE and its grey boundaries
  • replies: 18

What is abuse? Well, everyone has an interpretation of where nastiness enters the abuse arena. The law can define abuse as assault but I've never seen a person charged with manipulation which, like many ways of being abused can be traumatic for the v... View more

What is abuse? Well, everyone has an interpretation of where nastiness enters the abuse arena. The law can define abuse as assault but I've never seen a person charged with manipulation which, like many ways of being abused can be traumatic for the victim. So if manipulation, emotional blackmail, silence used as a weapon or withholding children from the other parent is not illegal - is it abuse. It sure is! But not to everyone hence the title of this topic. For 10 years in a previous relationship my then partner when drunk would, well it was like a switch, get angry then slap my face. I took it "like a man should" I thought, even mentioned it to my GP and he replied "but you're a big boy you can take it". What I didnt consider was what MY boundaries were and that they mattered. My boundaries were that I detest any violence at all be it mental or physical. My one time previous occupation of prison officer had a large bearing on that but my dad also held the same attitude. So why did I tolerate it? Because she was a woman half my weight and the old fashioned belief that men can be punching bags as part of our duties. Wrong! In violent relationships we are often inflicted by the guilt factor, when our partners twist things around and ignore what we actually believe is wrong. In my case my partner the next morning would say "I slapped you because you weren't listening to me" or "you deserved it because you aren't responsive to my needs and besides I drank a lot because of your bipolar". When I finally moved out I was riddled with guilt that those words echoed in my mind. I had to rebuild my confidence that abuse was what I believed it was, not what the perpetrator believed it wasn't. We all have blurred lines of what violence is. As humans we have to accept that. But basic right from wrong also includes levels of disrespect that is universally defined. If you believe you were abused then draw the line in the sand and tell the person of your limits then stand by them. It matters not what any other person in the world believes, it is your boundaries that matter after all, the person inflicting the violence is dealing with you not anyone else. Finally, if the abuse continues you need to save yourself from it and leave. It sounds daunting but will also be a relief. Then rebuild your life by filling it with hobbies, sports and distractions. A short time later you should, when reflecting back, realise you made the correct decision to save yourself from abuse TonyWK

sadsunday Alone after first long-term relationship breakup
  • replies: 3

About a week ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, essentially telling me that he has been questioning/out of love with me for the last 6 months and waited until my birthday to finally say it. Except, the reason he was doing it this day was a... View more

About a week ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, essentially telling me that he has been questioning/out of love with me for the last 6 months and waited until my birthday to finally say it. Except, the reason he was doing it this day was apparently he was so sure of it he cheated on me with his housemate. It was strange because I still wanted to try even after the worst thing imaginable happened to me, and for some reason I still cant bring myself to hate him (especially because i had felt that way at one point). We have talked everyday because we both want to still talk to eachother even though we know that is making the break up harder. Our calls gave me slight bits of hope, that hes 'confused', that maybe he will regret it, that he had planned things for the future (apparently he thought these would just be bandaids), that hes jealous of other people (doesn't have any right to be) and thinks it will take a long time to get over me. But the calls progressed into the fact that he didn't feel like he wanted to be in a relationship anymore even though he is a monogamous person and is terrified of being alone. I think the reason I held onto the possibility of fixing things was that lockdown was one thing that truly ruined our relationship (basically most of our relationship) and the irony that after it finally ended, we did too, which also makes me frustrated that something outside our control affected our relationship so much (we dont live together). Also the fact that he did still have feelings for me for my birthday weekend. I guess I'm just struggling because I realised that we were too codependent and there is such a large void in my life, like just having him to talk to. I think he is certain of this ending because he needs to work on himself and his passions (which were certainly crushed by lockdown) and he wants to have more experiences, and I was just one. I guess I am finally coming to terms with accepting what he wants, and the fact that even if he is the best for me, I wasn't the best for him. Mourning the future we could've had, the social circles we intertwined (my friend is dating his friend which makes it awkward now). I know I'm only taking this so hard because it's my first long relationship, and one day I will probably look back and laugh, or atleast only smile. But I don't know what to do, mourning him and not hating him. How do I get over him?

white knight Good apples, bad apples
  • replies: 6

Family and friends, we seem to tolerate some even though we dont get along. Imagine you work in an apple factory, your prime responsibility is to polish the apples then sort them. Rotten or bruised are put aside. The good ones are packed and sold. No... View more

Family and friends, we seem to tolerate some even though we dont get along. Imagine you work in an apple factory, your prime responsibility is to polish the apples then sort them. Rotten or bruised are put aside. The good ones are packed and sold. Not much difference in family's or friends. But many of us keep packaging the bad apples in our relationships. Why? There are a number of reasons. Fear might be at the top of the tree. Fear of alienation from others as they side with the other party. Fear that you wont find peace after the split. Fear you'll regret your decision. But you can still polish a rotten apple...just not place it in the box with the good ones. It means pigeon holing the person but not disowning them. This takes a few techniques and practice. You dont want to lie? Eg telling them you are away from your house when you are at home...and they drive by and see you car! And you dont want to be evasive as it could be obvious. What do you do? What about the truth? ...with a little tact. You have depression. You know through reading threads here that 80% or more people wont understand your condition. Based on that you are not responsible for educating that 4 in 5 people. Thats for them to learn! Try these comments - by all means drop in but if I'm asleep I might not answer the door - I'm sorry, I'd love to keep chatting but l have to catch up with my auntie I dont like too much controversy, so I'll leave you with that problem between you and our uncle. If pushed harder say - you have the choice to sort it out directly please dont include me. - I love your passion but that issue is too close to home. One technique is to ask a question with a question. Putting it back on them works. "You dont answer you door"...with "how do I answer the door when I'm sleeping". That will prompt questions of your wellness and that is education. So, you have no fear in being truthful. You arent lying. You arent offensive. Mind you, any words can be chosen to be offensive. But that is their choice. Be nice, it costs nothing. Mental illness demands a life of tranquility, as close as you can get to it considering your lifestyle. That will mean not putting those bad apples in the box for sale. But polish them and carefully slide them down the shute towards their own kind. Your life has to be a box of good apples. Google- Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue Surrounded yourself with loved ones with empathy and live in peace. Tony WK

TeaRose Boyfriends Only Fans Addiction
  • replies: 6

Hi, I met my current partner 6 months ago and it’s been almost too good to be true. I went into the relationship knowing my values and being very clear how I thought about porn (think it’s disrespectful and form of cheating) and my partner agreed. He... View more

Hi, I met my current partner 6 months ago and it’s been almost too good to be true. I went into the relationship knowing my values and being very clear how I thought about porn (think it’s disrespectful and form of cheating) and my partner agreed. He was single for 2+ years before meeting me and had used only fans in that time. When we met and we spoke about it, he said that he no longer had an account nor watched porn. Everything has been great since then and every aspect, and he is very much in love with me and vice versa. He has a great support network and even they know that my partner has never been so head over heels over someone before. Fast forward to this weekend, my partner got a new phone (a few weeks ago) and left his old phone at home when going out the other day. Being curious, I went on and found he had a secret Instagram account (had no reason to think this) that he had used to find people on only fans. I was distraught when I found out - going on their pages every day he’s not with me since we’ve been together. I confronted him and he was extremely upset and said that he wanted to get a new phone to have a clean slate and didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to do it on his own - although was struggling to stop watching it. We’ve spoken about it in detail and he thinks it’s some kind of addiction to it and had even suggested to get counselling to help.. because he doesn’t want to lose me or us. I know him doing this isn’t a reflection of me although it still hurts and make me not feel so confident anymore. I can’t even think about sleeping with him again after all of this. I love him but I honestly don’t know how to even get past this. I’ve never been with someone that has an addiction so I’m in two minds about it. If I stay, how do I support him? And how do I make sure I’m okay in the process aswell? Will it be worth it? Thanks in advance!

white knight Effective communication and trust
  • replies: 2

We go about our business daily. We make judgements from observations and hearing of others. How often do we get our initial judgements wrong? Making an error of judgement can cause conflict, in turn anger, guilt and enemies. We can do with less confl... View more

We go about our business daily. We make judgements from observations and hearing of others. How often do we get our initial judgements wrong? Making an error of judgement can cause conflict, in turn anger, guilt and enemies. We can do with less conflict. I entered a doctors surgery today. My hearing is impaired but it is damaged in a way that a hearing aid would not help. The lady behind the counter was speaking on the phone and said "yes you'll have to fill some forms in". I thought she was talking to the person on the phone. Anyway this mismatch of communication followed on. Eventually I took the forms, filled them out and returned to the counter. I apologized for misunderstanding her and explained my hearing problem. She accepted it gratiously then admitted that she also has partial deafness hence she couldn't hear me fully either. Ten years ago I likely would have lost my temper. Since a decade ago I've come to the realisation that most people mean well, have issues physically, emotionally or with communication that effects their dealings with others. That alone is justification to give others the benefit if the doubt. I want to mention men. In 1973 I was trained as a recruit by a ex Vietnam veteran. He was tough, ruthless and brave. But fastrack 48 years with working with other men and I know in most cases (not all) there is an emotional and insecure side to men. Some will never show it, others will display snippets but its there. The problem is, these men can also do a great job of hiding it at a time when conflict arrives. They sound fearless, are prepared for physical fighting and certainly won't show emotion. But with the right techniques of quietly speaking, support and effectively tapping into their inner self, one can reverse his lion like behaviour. But its a fine line. What I'm eluding to is there is often a window of opportunity with people, men and women, whereby one can defuse conflict. Separation of people or distracting often works. The message however is that things are sometimes not as they seem. An angry man can be threatening, physically violent or verbally abusive. While none of that behaviour is acceptable there could be a desperate, frightened or depressed soul inside. Giving the benefit of the doubt that they need help allows an extra chance at a peaceful ending... avoidance in the first instance is preferable. Do you have difficulty giving others the benefit of the doubt? TonyWK

90sUnicorn My mental illness and my relationship of 5 years.
  • replies: 8

So a bit of a background for it all to make sense. (sorry it will be boring) I had always struggled with my place in world ever since I was 6, I never felt like I belonged or really understood people or why I'm on this planet. I continued this way wi... View more

So a bit of a background for it all to make sense. (sorry it will be boring) I had always struggled with my place in world ever since I was 6, I never felt like I belonged or really understood people or why I'm on this planet. I continued this way with a less than ideal childhood, more things happened and I finally fell apart very hard in my early 20's. My mental health was terrible, I was so messed up. For years I struggled to do simple tasks like; hygiene, going outside, staying alive. I got help. I dug myself out of my own dark pool it took a lot of work and In my 30s I continue to do so, with professional help. But as much as it shames me to say I can't seem to hold down a job, I live with huge guilt because I want to just do like everyone else but it always falls part my anxiety, trauma and depression/ melancholy take over after a few months and then I quit My partner of 5 years doesn't really understand mental illness and has seen me with jobs on and off. When I truly think I have the right tools and finally have it together it just falls apart In my 5 years with my partner I obviously thought it was time to start thinking of commitment because he has said previously "i want to be with you forever" but when I pushed to talk about commitment on a level (i know i shouldn't pressure but he has said he would marry me ?) BUT... I finally got "You were doing so well but it just seems like you have just gone flat, you haven't progressed in anything, (career) I don't like what its doing to me" My heart broke. I finally thought I was accepted by someone. it turns out he feels pressure financially with wanting to do things to the house and things he wants etc ( I don't earn much but i do contribute $$, do everything for him in terms of cleaning his home and washing to do my share.) I understand his point of view a partners a partner in all ways. I'm completely lost. I can't make promises or inflict myself on him or him to inflict his expectations on me. I feel super hurt, because I can't really control mental illness no one can! I can't help to feel rejected and not accepted. We have discussed this many times for days, he doesn't want me to leave, he says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me forever (rolls eyes) ...but I can't understand this. Wants me to stay but it sounds like he also can't stand me. He has said he would agree to counselling, but i dont know if that would change anything. Anyone been in a similar situation? what happened

Agreen Husband might have depression
  • replies: 4

My husband and I are not in a good position relationship wise, we do not talk, there is no connection, our conversations are completely transactional in nature, there is no discussion of a shared future. However, putting that to the side, I read the ... View more

My husband and I are not in a good position relationship wise, we do not talk, there is no connection, our conversations are completely transactional in nature, there is no discussion of a shared future. However, putting that to the side, I read the signs and symptoms of depression page on the BB website, and I think that he is suffering from many of the symptoms. I am thinking that maybe he has depression, but I am not a trained professional in this area and I am wondering what I can do to talk to him about it, how should I convince him to go to the doctor and talk to someone? Even if we don't talk and our relationship is falling apart i still love him and he has never been good about going to the doctor, to the point that he had a serious physical injury for 3 days before he went to doctor (who sent him to hospital immediately) because he thought he could just push through it. Im worried that if I just outright talk to him and suggest he see someone it will just cause the rift between us to increase even more.

Einsteins_Duck All my trust is gone
  • replies: 7

I was recently diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum at 49 and it was actually a relief as it explained why my childhood, school in general and relationships had been a disaster. I met a guy that 'got me' but he was quite immature and selfish. Throughout ... View more

I was recently diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum at 49 and it was actually a relief as it explained why my childhood, school in general and relationships had been a disaster. I met a guy that 'got me' but he was quite immature and selfish. Throughout our 15 years together, he seemed to constantly get crushes on women and had no idea that pursuing them and discussing really personal details with them was wrong. When I had a random friend repeat to me something he had told them about issues with our sex life ... I realised he was looking for 'pity sex'. It was friends, work colleagues, random people. It was like he lived his life with one foot out the door in case someone 'better' came along. I kept forgiving him as he always managed to make me feel it was my fault. So I decided I would never get married. He finally convinced me that he really loved me, would never hurt me and we got married. I finally felt safe ... Then two weeks later he ran into his high school sweetheart at his reunion and became obsessed with her. I came across stuff on his phone when he asked me to grab a number for him ... so dug deeper. He was besotted and he was making out we had a loveless marriage and insanely jealous and a nag. I was so hurt. He kept telling me he couldn't help it, would promise to stop, do it again ... repeat, repeat, repeat. Each time, I'd give him less and less back. It's been over five years now and I feel like I have been taken advantage of emotionally ... he did it again the other day, after swearing he had not been in touch with her. I feel so empty, but feel guilty as we just had a fight. I'm not processing the whole thing very well and not understanding so many things - I'm not good with reading good and bad intentions. I feel hurt and angry and then the next day it's like I have forgotten it and things go back to normal. I can't seem to hang onto the feelings of hurt and rejection and so it cycles again. I feel mentally trapped and confused. Is this a common Autism trait?