Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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tabitha_ My family has fallen apart
  • replies: 5

Hi guys. I don't really know why I'm on this forum - I don't know if anyone will reply or what I'm going to gain from posting here but I googled 'what to do when your family falls apart' and this was the first link, so I decided to join you guys. Ess... View more

Hi guys. I don't really know why I'm on this forum - I don't know if anyone will reply or what I'm going to gain from posting here but I googled 'what to do when your family falls apart' and this was the first link, so I decided to join you guys. Essentially, my Dad has been accused by my sister (who has a husband and 4 kids with 1 on the way) of sexually assaulting her multiple times during childhood, in addition to doing so with his "best friend' who used to visit our family home every Sunday while we were at church with Mum. I have 8 siblings and another sister claimed (before the assault claim came out) that this same friend had inappropriately groped her while she was alone at home once and then deflected attention to the whereabouts of my Dad when she retaliated. This sister told our whole family in an attempt to get my parents attention about it and have him removed from the family home but my Dad claims he is 'stupid' and 'ignorant' and does it all the time. As far as I'm aware, he's been fired from every job for near-miss sexual assault of children. My sister (with the 5 children) claims they are both guilty and my Mum is complicit. Both men have denied all claims and still remain friends. My whole family has fallen apart about 5 months ago and my Mum has decided to leave my Dad because couples therapy changed very little of his narcissistic ways in their relationship. She doesn't know what to believe, she is a good woman, but she is ignorant at times and I think she's just shocked in this situation and needs space. Essentially I feel guilty knowing they are ultimately alone now in their 60's with no children who contact them and ultimately no real family left except their own flesh and blood. As you can imagine, I feel hopeless and my depression has taken an all-time low. I am incapable of working my day job and studying psychology feels like a farse at this point in time. I'm so close to provisional registration but not being able to meet my financial needs because of the stress I feel from everything makes me wonder whether I should give up altogether. I really need to talk about this/have someone listen to the details of my thoughts and my therapist isn't enough for me in the cold dark nights and dreary days that seem to keep passing me by. I apologise if anyone I actually know has had to read this - I feel like I just need to talk to people and I can't talk to my loved ones about it anymore without feeling like it's a burden for them. Thanks guys.

MB19 Forgiving Drunk Comments
  • replies: 4

Hi all - first time poster here. I'll try and keep it short and sharp... My partner had one too many beers and decided to say "we don't love each other anymore." When I was obviously upset/angry at this comment he explained a number of reasons why he... View more

Hi all - first time poster here. I'll try and keep it short and sharp... My partner had one too many beers and decided to say "we don't love each other anymore." When I was obviously upset/angry at this comment he explained a number of reasons why he doesn't love me anymore. Including we never spend any time together - it is always about the kids and more. Points I had already got upset about recently and was asking for us to have more couple time rather than just in our parent roles. He purchased flowers and chocolates the next day when I told him what he said and now is acting like all is good. But I am still heartbroken and depressed. He says it was just stupid drunk comments, but I feel you don't say things, even when you're drunk, unless you feel them in some way! I can't un-see his face when he said it or un-hear the words. I don't know how, or if I can move forward and each day seems to pull me down further. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Jimmuck one year later still the same..
  • replies: 2

hi, i posted on here last year after a few weeks i thought it had all been resolved. but here i am a year later still with the same awful relationship. not one thing has changed, even though we have had a few real big arguments about it. she still be... View more

hi, i posted on here last year after a few weeks i thought it had all been resolved. but here i am a year later still with the same awful relationship. not one thing has changed, even though we have had a few real big arguments about it. she still behaves towards me like i am a child, she treats me like am am less than equal, despite my repeated request all our money ends up in an account in her name, she never discusses anything with me and what is happening in her life. she never stops to think about her actions, does whatever she feels like any any given time, with completely no regard to how they might affect me. i have told her on many occasions she is destroying us, but nothing changes. i told her last year when we (as i thought) resolved our issues, that if she carried on like this there would come a day when i would not be able to take anymore. that day came almost two weeks ago, when not only did she once again completely ignore that i might be worried about where she was, after six times of not answering her phone, i went looking for her. when i found her she talked to me as if i was a little boy looking for his mummy, she did so in front of another woman, i felt so humiliated. later that evening i made it plain that i could not go on like this anymore, that i was tired of being miserable and she was making me desperately unhappy. i had finally realized that all her apologies and promises were merely words she has no intention of fulfilling, that we do not have any semblance of a normal relationship, it is her then us. i also said i am tired of telling her she was destroying us and if i had somewhere else to go i would leave right then. i told her that i thought, rightly or wrongly, that she could benefit from some professional help. there followed two days of silence, left her alone to digest what i had said, her response was to calmly tell me she is leaving in a week or so time, the words she used were like she was doing me a favour. since then there has been nine days of total silence, not a word from her, no discussion on our finances, how she wants to settle and split everything, not one single word at all and no attempt to pack up her things, just sits around the house in sullen silence. it is indescribably awful how i am living at this time and it is making me ill. i am 64 years old and really do not need the stress and worry in my life. i do not want to live with her the way she treats me, so if she wants to go, why doesnt she just go

Lambent I don't know how to start again. I feel I don't have the strength.
  • replies: 11

I've had depression most of my life, since adolescence. I've been on SSRIs for probably 30 years. The depression seems to be cyclic. About a year ago, after 31 years of marriage and with two grown young sons, I decided to go off antidepressants. They... View more

I've had depression most of my life, since adolescence. I've been on SSRIs for probably 30 years. The depression seems to be cyclic. About a year ago, after 31 years of marriage and with two grown young sons, I decided to go off antidepressants. They made me feel empty and disconnected. Then late last year my dad passed away, our dog died and I unknowingly slipped into a downward spiral. The black dog bit me hard and with a vengeance I have never known before. My wife wanted me out of the house. I spent the worst 48 hours of my life in a hotel room, alone, not sleeping, endlessly playing out how I would end my life. What stopped me was the thought of the pain I would inflict on my family. They talk of going to hell when you die but only the living can truly experience its horror. I have now seen my GP, resumed antidepressants and am slowly climbing out of the darkness. But now, I think, my wife and family do not want me back home. For a while, or maybe forever, I am not sure. My recent episode has shaken them to the core. If it was one tenth as bad for them as it was for me, then I can understand that. But here's my point and why I am writing, for the first time, to this forum. I don't know how I can begin again without being with my family. Without the chatter over the dinner table, the afternoon strolls, "it's a lovely day, let's do to the beach", "you'll never guess what happened to me today". The thought of being separated from that is too much to bear. I cannot expect my family to live with my depression. But I struggle to find any purpose to go on without them. I cannot face another blank wall, an empty silent room. The thought of it is like a cold hand gripping my heart. I know the right thing to do it accept and deal with it. But I am struggling to find the strength. The allure of "escape" is strong. Anything to stop the pain. If I could just envision a life beyond fog of now . . .

callmeaz Transphobic dad
  • replies: 8

Sorry for the lack of punctuation My dad is transphobic and threw a tantrum when I used my chosen name on my school roster (with permission from my mum) and started threatening to stop paying for my school fees but gets upset that me and my family do... View more

Sorry for the lack of punctuation My dad is transphobic and threw a tantrum when I used my chosen name on my school roster (with permission from my mum) and started threatening to stop paying for my school fees but gets upset that me and my family don't contact him anymore. I'd also like to make it clear I did come out to him last Christmas but he continued to deadname me throughout my stay. I just wanted advice on how to deal with him

AlecA A person in my friend group is verbally harassing me and my friends
  • replies: 5

Hi all, So this person used to be my friend until a serious of unfortunate events that occurred, ending our friendship forever, however.. this term he decided that coming back would be the best option. He is verbally harassing all of us from thing fr... View more

Hi all, So this person used to be my friend until a serious of unfortunate events that occurred, ending our friendship forever, however.. this term he decided that coming back would be the best option. He is verbally harassing all of us from thing from personal stuff to irrelevant issues. I've tried to get help from teachers but the person still is allowed to hang out with us. Its gotten to a point I don't want to hang out with my only friends, this person is basically draining my self-esteem because the comments keep on coming day-by-day, I can't think of another option, even though it allows me not to be with him, it also means I can't stay with my friends when he is around. Thank You, Alec.

Agirl Depressed partner with cheating behaviours, is it the depression
  • replies: 15

Hi I am hoping for some RE assurance here my partner of 12mnths has recently confessed to texting girls (inappropriately) i found texts on his phone last November , to which he said it meant nothing, it was silly banter with old friends. I said I did... View more

Hi I am hoping for some RE assurance here my partner of 12mnths has recently confessed to texting girls (inappropriately) i found texts on his phone last November , to which he said it meant nothing, it was silly banter with old friends. I said I didn’t like it and it needed to stop. He acknowledged this and we moved on. In April this year he started facebook messaging me best friend, she contacted me straight away but given his past performance I asked her to persist. The messages again became inappropriate when I confronted him about these messages, he said it wasn’t him, that a frenemy had logged into his account and done it to spite him. the next day, being suspicious I went through his phone and found another conversation with another woman, when confronted he told me a friend from work uses his Facebook to have an affair with this woman this was 3months ago, I have been suspicious, but he kept denying it was him. finally this week he confessed that both conversations were from him. He can’t tell me why he did it, he barely remembers doing it. He only wants me, no one else. he says he sometimes feels a haze come over him where he can’t control emotions or feelings, that he does something without realising and only later realised how wrong it is his mother passed away tragically when he was in a car accident when he was 12, he was in the car with her and she died at the scene. This has obviously contributed to how he is now at 30. He has said he wants to get help, see a therapist. he believes the lying and texting is to do with his mother passing and him feeling so alone for so much of his life. i can see how this could happen, I’m just not sure how he will be able to resist texting other girls, why he does it at all and especially with my best friend. I feel if he loves me like he says he wouldn’t do this, even if he does need some sort of mental help. Having depression doesn’t make you text other girls does it? at the same time his mental state of mind when he texted my best friend, must not have been good, of course she was going to tell me. This makes me think there is merit to his story. He sometime doesn’t have control and when he sees someone about it, he will be better? i hope I make sense! thank you for any responses

That Other Guy Lonely
  • replies: 5

I am autistic. I've struggled with friendships my entire life. My wife spent all of last year saying she wanted to leave me, or be in an open relationship. We got through that and are doing pretty good now. However, I met a lady I really liked when w... View more

I am autistic. I've struggled with friendships my entire life. My wife spent all of last year saying she wanted to leave me, or be in an open relationship. We got through that and are doing pretty good now. However, I met a lady I really liked when we were open (I met quite a few but one stood out) and I had to cut things off with her because when I went back to blissful monogamy, she kept pushing me for sex. I had one close friend for the first time in my life, I helped him when he was homeless and he lived with us 6 months. When his daughter turned 18 he became sexually interested in her 18 yo friends, to the point I'd visit and he'd be too busy texting some 18 yo girl. He borrowed money he didn't repay and I used that as an excuse to end that friendship. My wife lives 2 hours drive from me, I see her 1-2 weeks a month. I spent a week a month interstate for work, with my dad who is very far from me politically and very bigoted and sexist. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere and whereever I am, if I am not with my wife, I have no friends I can talk to or count on. I've had the same email friend for over a decade and he's literally my only friendship. I do love going to live music and last time I went, I again met someone random and talked to them all night, I am not hard to get along with. I have two kids, one lives with me and has started spending some time with me again (I was basically an alcoholic all last year and he withdrew), but I only see him one week a month. My other son lives in a house I just bought him, and we see each other once a week when I am there, which is then once or twice a month. I also can't use social media, I got a Facebook ban for saying my honest opinion. Social media is basically broken and I am nearly always on a ban because I often speak my mind when it comes to people promoting hate or division. I feel like if I just didn't care I would do better. I guess I just feel after 53 years, I need to get used to not having friends again. I've had others but they all drift away with time. I'm in a band but struggle to turn that into friendship (the bass player also votes one nation so that's a hard pass). I guess I took the 2500 character limit as a challenge Sorry for waffling on. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for, I just know I feel sad a lot of the time.

Maggie_ Out of my control
  • replies: 5

There are two things out of my control that are getting me very down. One is I am desperate to have a second child, whereas my husband is set on only one. We have had countless discussions on this for the past 2 years and neither is changing their mi... View more

There are two things out of my control that are getting me very down. One is I am desperate to have a second child, whereas my husband is set on only one. We have had countless discussions on this for the past 2 years and neither is changing their mind so I really don't know what to do as I'm worried about feelings of resentment. It's so difficult because neither one of us is right or wrong in this, we just have different opinions. I always wanted to have children and he was never too bothered so tells me 'I compromised and gave you one, you should be happy.' I am happy with my daughter but didn't know, until after she was born, just how strongly I would feel about wanting a second. I'm trying to make peace with her being an only child but I'm just not able to get there. The second is that I'm feeling quite lonely due to my husband's shift work. He has worked most evenings, weekends and public holidays for the past 10+ years. Last Sunday I took my daughter to a park and all around us were families where there were 2 parents and at least 2 children. It makes me so jealous and lonely seeing it. I clearly crave more family around me (both husband and second child-wise!) I usually meet with a friend and her children and she sometimes brings her husband and parents too. I so appreciate the company but it's not the same as having my own larger family and it also adds to my feelings of the stark contrast between her having that around her whereas it's always just me and my daughter. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love spending time alone with my daughter but it doesn't stop my thoughts of craving for more at times. So both of the above are playing on my mind so much and making me feel down and lonely. But both are out of my hands as there is nothing I can do to change the situation other than what I've already tried (trying to make peace with having one child only and meeting with friends when my husband is working). But I can't help how I feel and this only plasters over my feelings deep down and I'm increasingly finding myself having a big cry about these situations that I'm not happy with but am powerless to change.

jayske Someone else helping my partner's mental illness rather than me...
  • replies: 6

I am in a relationship that is 2 months and me and my partner are feeling around the committed stage. However, this is my first relationship and my partner's 3rd. Going into the relationship, my partner has opened up to their mental illnesses and for... View more

I am in a relationship that is 2 months and me and my partner are feeling around the committed stage. However, this is my first relationship and my partner's 3rd. Going into the relationship, my partner has opened up to their mental illnesses and for most times, whenever I try, it never feels like when I try to help, it has no effect, and I can only really do the basic '"texts" because I do not see them or live with them. Recently, one of my friends, maybe even close friends, helps our relationship and has been for a while, he has that experience from his past long-term relationships but is now single. This is where the conflict happens, we have recently gone on a break, but it didn't even last long, only a week, and now are about to be broken up. It is because of them having these mental illnesses, and me not being able to take care of their mental needs most likely because of my basic and inexperience self unable to really do anything, but my close friend has, and has been these past times. When me and my partner did have some trouble, usually he would be able to speak with them. Now, my partners feelings for me is not so much unlike the start, which is a pretty normal thing? when it comes to relationships, but they have started to like my close friend instead. I feel so.. conflicted in terms of emotions, I love my partner, and i have always wanted to help them, but whenever I try, I never really do anything. He on the other hand has and is still continuing to talk to them as well as helping them. I don't know what to do, feel or anything. I feel hurt though, with me not able to help my partner as well as jealous almost that my close friend can. And I have that gut feeling, a strong one at that, that they will date and I will feel even worse. Can I do anything? Should I accept this? Do i talk to my partner/ex? What can I do for future problems because of my inexperience.