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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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confirmed08 afraid of losing relationship
  • replies: 9

my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months, but I still haven’t quite settled I guess is the best way to put it. This is my first relationship, she’s been in multiple previous, and so I’ve been quite critical of myself and continue to. I... View more

my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months, but I still haven’t quite settled I guess is the best way to put it. This is my first relationship, she’s been in multiple previous, and so I’ve been quite critical of myself and continue to. I’m constantly apologising for almost everything, and she seems to becoming more and more frustrated and less inclined to try and sort it as she has attempted to many times. I just pressure myself all the time to be perfect, but I mess things up and hate myself more and more for it. I feel this is beginning to derail our relationship, and the thought of that frightens and saddens me greatly. She tells me to just relax, to slow down, but being in year 12 and balancing a relationship I just can’t slow down, I don’t really get an opportunity to.

MM_Jack My dad is dying
  • replies: 5

And I'm in a different country. I have a toddler, and I'm on a casual contract for work so I have no paid leave. I can't afford to miss weeks of work and weeks of pay. It's upsetting that it feels like it comes down to money.

And I'm in a different country. I have a toddler, and I'm on a casual contract for work so I have no paid leave. I can't afford to miss weeks of work and weeks of pay. It's upsetting that it feels like it comes down to money.

Fleur10 The pain of two estranged children
  • replies: 6

I have 2 estranged daughters. The youngest one was always very closed. Relationship deteriorated in her twenties. Now she is in her forties. She has 3 children 7, 5, 2. I have only seen the children a couple of times a year, although she lives close ... View more

I have 2 estranged daughters. The youngest one was always very closed. Relationship deteriorated in her twenties. Now she is in her forties. She has 3 children 7, 5, 2. I have only seen the children a couple of times a year, although she lives close by. My e X has Aspergers. She seems like him. She seems to project her feelings onto me. My children use me as a scapegoat for everything. Tell me I was a bad mother. They generally put me down. I have sort of given up on her. Contact is too painful. My other daughter was very friendly when she had the first baby and for 8 years was fine. Now she had children from two different partners and another boyfriend. She was stressed and she doesn’t need me any more. She gradually withdrew contact . I still see the children a little. She refuses to discuss anything with me. Although she goes to a psychiatrist every 2weeks. I feel as if she is taking stuff out on me. She seems to say she is too stressed to talk to me. Problem seems to just get worse and worse. I would like to start a support group. I am trying to figure that out.

theotheraether Too late to change?
  • replies: 1

Since the beginning of my relationship with my now wife, we’ve had some major breaks and the pattern has always been the same. Initially I thought it was due to us being incompatible but mental health issues on both sides are the aggravating factor. ... View more

Since the beginning of my relationship with my now wife, we’ve had some major breaks and the pattern has always been the same. Initially I thought it was due to us being incompatible but mental health issues on both sides are the aggravating factor. This is something I’ve tried working on, with limited success as I’ve never clicked with a psychologist I found useful. When I let my wife down or disappoint her, she’ll bring up mistakes I made in the past and ways I’ve let her down before or how I don’t listen to her and do better the next time. This is fair. I try to be a better husband all the time but I struggle with anxiety and sometimes get paralysed and when I panic I usually get things wrong. I think she’s tired of that now. I tried to explain some of my reasons but she is adamant that I never change. I felt so powerless and angry at myself. She’s said she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want a future with me. I try really hard but when she’s having a rough patch with depression and anxiety and I’m have a tough patch with anxiety I just make things worse for her, being unsupportive and argumentative. I just get desperate because I want terribly for her to know I love her, but she insists my behaviour says I don’t. This has been a tough year for a lot of reasons and even though we both have struggles I want us to grow together through them, rather than letting them overcome me and wreck our marriage. I love her so much it aches. I want it to work but what else can I do? I know I need to be better managing my anxiety, but then it’s been difficult so far. Is it too late. Has my pattern of messing up ruined this for good?

Nella76 lonely, needy and a cheater
  • replies: 5

I feel like I am a cheater and a bad wife. I am married for 11 years now. Out of the 11 years, my husband has been non intimate and not interested in any sexual contact for 9 years. I used to cry to sleep every night for so many years. I tried to con... View more

I feel like I am a cheater and a bad wife. I am married for 11 years now. Out of the 11 years, my husband has been non intimate and not interested in any sexual contact for 9 years. I used to cry to sleep every night for so many years. I tried to convince him to talk to a counsellor, I tried talking to him but he would often get defensive or angry and blame it on me that I made it difficult for him to connect with him. Two years back I took a drastic step and started cheating on him with the intention if having an intimate partner for emotional and physical needs. But I ended up with a string of affairs, ons and short term hook ups. Now I am a mental mess as that has made me feel guilty, a selfish mother, an immoral wife and I hate myself. This came after yet another event of rejection by yet another man. I feel traumatised and worthless and cheap. I feel like I don't deserve love and that something is wrong with me. My life is all messed up and I am unable to focus at work or at home. I have an eight year old son and hence I never considered leaving the marriage. I am now a broken woman and cry all the time. I know I am at fault and to blame. I created this life for myself and I don't know what to do now. I am posting here to see if anyone has had similar experience and how they coped with it. Thank you in advance.

wallabyjack toxic relationship and 3rd child on the way. She hates me. I want out.
  • replies: 4

my wife and I have a rollercoaster past with a history of arguments, dark patches and she has extreme mood swings, that appear to coincide with hormones (be it PMT or pregnancy). Either way she has unpredictable moods that are either happy/easy or ex... View more

my wife and I have a rollercoaster past with a history of arguments, dark patches and she has extreme mood swings, that appear to coincide with hormones (be it PMT or pregnancy). Either way she has unpredictable moods that are either happy/easy or extreme irritability - historically the irritability made much much worse by pregnancy or post-natal timing. She said she wanted a 3rd child last year, and after her testing her ovulation, at 43 we got pregnant. She then decided immediately it was a "mistake" and we fought for weeks about termination before deciding to proceed. (her, begrudgingly) - so this feels like a begrudging pregnancy even though she wanted it. Ever since, all we do every day is fight and scream at each other. Usually at me, and usually over small things that she blows up at (buying the "wrong" vinegar, doing the laundry "wrong"). Its non stop and I am walking on egg shells, constantly in fear. There is zero intimacy, and I now sleep in a separate room. I have told her she is unrecognisable from who she was when I married her. Things were ok (7 out of 10) before we got pregnant. Now they are 2 out of 10. (Maybe a 1 some days) Her mood swings started immediately when she conceived. She is now the anti-christ. I have never witnessed such unrelenting rage, negativity towards me, towards my family and towards the incoming fetus, even in past pregnancies. We have tried a couple of counsellors, one of which told her if she continues, she is likely to lose her marriage. That didnt help. She refuses to try more counsellors. I have told her "3 things I can do to help with our issues" and explained what I can do to reduce tension. When I asked her what she can change for her part, it just made her angry that I even asked the question. I told her a love-less marriage isnt working for me, and we cannot continue like this. I told her its not fair on the kids too. I feel like leaving her. I need to get away from her anger, her non stop criticism and vitriol, and I am worried about the anger and fights impacting on our 2 year and 4 year old. Not to mention bringing a baby into a hateful marriage..I just want it to stop. She hates me What do I do?

BNS68 Is my wife an alchoholic??
  • replies: 26

Hi All This is my first post and I am sure there are other posts along these lines but cant find a recent one, so here I go. We have been married nearly 20 years have two boys 13 & 16 my wife hasn't had to work but has in the last couple of years wor... View more

Hi All This is my first post and I am sure there are other posts along these lines but cant find a recent one, so here I go. We have been married nearly 20 years have two boys 13 & 16 my wife hasn't had to work but has in the last couple of years worked 2-3 days a week. I noticed her drinking was getting heavier about 4-5 years ago and addressed it with her not long after that, there were promises that she would try harder however it got up to 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night and slurring during dinner time with the kids. We had serious discussions and I saw our doctor about it who got us into Counselling sessions although my wife was very reluctant and did it purely to appease me. She doesnt believe she has a problem. After the Counselling she reduced her intake for two weeks and has now settled back into a bottle a night with more on weekends usually staggering in at least once on a Friday or Saturday if not both. My boys look at me and roll their eyes. Her drinking quantity is 7-10 bottles of wine a week i.e. 56-80 standard drinks a week. A key issue with her denial is that she functions very well, the house is not neglected, dinner is always ready, the boys are dropped to sports etc so she believes there is no problem, I think she is mis-interpreting what the problem is, i.e you don't have a right to complain about my drinking as everything (from a chore perspective) is done" and I can't deny that. When I get home from work she's almost done her first bottle and sometimes looking for a second. My problem is I shut down, don't communicate as I believe its not worth the fight, I think in my mind I see the marriage as over, it is just a matter of timing. So my queries are as follows; 1. I am so confused that I don't even know what normal drinking levels should be, the quantities above are too much? 2. I have tried to support her and get her to understand my position but she doesn't see it as a problem so my next step is to separate and kick her out - problem is 4-5 years is a long time and I don't trust her anymore I have no respect or attraction left, so this will inevitably lead to divorce; 3. This leads to the damage divorce will do to my kids, especially my 13yo, he is kind hearted and loves his Mum and I worry about the pain he will feel if I do this, the 16yo is more resilient and I think will cope; 4. will the boys resent me later in life as an enabler or hate me for divorcing her - my parents divorced and I never wanted that for my kids. Thoughts

contrarymary My husband seems to have retreated into a bubble
  • replies: 2

Could not think of a better title we have been married for 40 years and all 3 children left home many years ago and have 2 grandchildren in the past 6 months my husband has taken to going and sitting or lying in one of the spare rooms. He is in there... View more

Could not think of a better title we have been married for 40 years and all 3 children left home many years ago and have 2 grandchildren in the past 6 months my husband has taken to going and sitting or lying in one of the spare rooms. He is in there for about 2 hours in the afternoon comes out when I say dinner is ready he then has his dinner and goes back in and then comes out again about 1030pm for bed. He reads in there or listens to music, he comes out sometimes to make a cup if tea or go to toilet but that's it. In the summer months he spends all his time outside tonight he had dinner at 6pm put his plate in the sink and went to his room as he calls it its now coming up for 10pm and he hasn't appeared he has been retired for 3 years plays bowls 2 days a week if I make arrangements for us to do things eg go to movies he will go, we go out in the mornings to the shops or for coffee and visit children and grandchildren. i asked if he was feeling ok said yes any ideas on how to deal with this, it gets a bit lonely sitting by myself at night i don't know if it's because we haven't been able to go on our usual holidays, 6 months ago we bought a small unit an hour away on coast with children and we go there for 2/3 days a week and guess what he spends all his time sitting outside on patio he is 64 and is in good health he just seems to just want to sit and read he is from an age where he doesn't discuss things, hates mobile phones and computers and if doesn't like something eg I spend time talking on the phone he doesn't speak to me for 2 or 3 days, that's not new. I want to help or understand but how

Barbie04 Lost and stuck
  • replies: 2

So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT. He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him. the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started ... View more

So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT. He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him. the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started using an illicit drug heavily. We had all types of people coming to our house because of this and I would get sick of it and go off at him, which would create a big argument. I hated him profusely for bringing it into our lives and it made me quite bitter towards him. He eventually stopped doing this over time and last year wound up in jail for a short period for other offences. I am not innocent either, I cheated on him ONCE and admitted it, it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Even though he apparently forgave me this, it always get bought up and held over my head and always get used so he can call me a liar. I am getting to a point with all of this so please keep reading. When we argue it becomes very explosive, he will smash things, threaten me with violence and scream in my face. I'm more just verbally loud when we argue. Anyway the thing is I do care about him and I do love him. I'm NOT in love with him anymore and I don't think I have been for well over a year. I feel extremely guilty at the thought of ending it. He literally has nobody else. He doesn't speak to family at all. He has a few friends but they mostly use him for things and don't care about his personal life. He has tried to kill himself before because of his depression, he said he pictured me finding him and i was the one reason he didn't do it. But I don't know if I can keep going like this. Anytime I try to suggest a break or break up, he goes full scale argument crazy mode, makes me feel like s**t to the point where I just apologise and shut up so it stops it. Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. I am so lost and so tired.

Babic123 Girlfriend threatening suicide
  • replies: 2

Hi all, this is my first time posting here because I really don’t have anyone else I can get help or advice from at the moment. Over the last few weeks me and my girlfriend of 5 years (we broke up for a year then got back together) have been having s... View more

Hi all, this is my first time posting here because I really don’t have anyone else I can get help or advice from at the moment. Over the last few weeks me and my girlfriend of 5 years (we broke up for a year then got back together) have been having some bad fights. 2 nights ago she was saying some pretty hurtful things to me so I told her I would be sitting in the lounge room and would wait until we were both calm to talk (we live in a 1 bedroom house). She then messaged me on Facebook and said that I shouldn’t be with her if I don’t care enough to comfort her when she cries. I told her that I love her and that I would really like to talk about everything but not if she’s going to talk down to me. She said she’s just sick of this and I said I’m sick of these petty fights too. She replied “you know where the door is” and so I told her I would go stay at my mums for the night and went to my car. As I’m driving away she calls me and says that she “doesn’t want to be here anymore” and she “can’t deal with it” she was implying that she was going to commit suicide, which is so heartbreaking to hear because after we first broke up when we were 18 she tried to end her life and the following week wouldn’t leave the front of my mums house, we had to call her mother and she took her to the hospital for mental health issues. This messed us both up for so long and I thought she had never do or say anything like that again. I told her that it was completely unfair to be saying that stuff to me now after everything, especially since she told me to leave and that I needed half an hour to drive by myself and think then I would come back home. She replied “if you don’t turn around now you will never see me ever again”. We hung up and she texted me “don’t bother coming home I won’t be here.” when I got home she was hysterical, I calmed her down and we went to bed (it was 12 at night and we had work at 6 the next morning). I didn’t know how to cope with what she had said, but I understood that this was emotional abuse and I shouldn’t have to put up with it. I sat her down the next afternoon and told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. She promised she would never say anything like it again and that she had no one else in the world if I left (which is true). After hours of her crying and me saying I had to leave I got up to pack my stuff.