Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Maree56 Depressed husband-unfaithful
  • replies: 15

Hello all, i’ve got a bit of a messed up situation at the moment. My husband of 3 yrs has been depressed for 8 months but has had a lot of pressure put on him in the last few months that have severely compounded his depression. His parents have been ... View more

Hello all, i’ve got a bit of a messed up situation at the moment. My husband of 3 yrs has been depressed for 8 months but has had a lot of pressure put on him in the last few months that have severely compounded his depression. His parents have been relying on him a lot (too much) and we have also taken in a houseguest who is getting out of a physically abusive relationship and needed a safe place to stay (mutual friend). We have a child, and my husband has been telling me to leave him alone and just focus on caring for the child. our relationship has been strained because of the extra person living with us and the baggage that birngs. A lot of his time has been spent helping them and supporting them with things (like retrieving belongings). It is clear he is burnt out from the extra effort he is exerting to help everyone else. The past two weeks there has been a significant shift in the way he treats me -He cries whenever we talk about anything and cant even look at me. He says he is ashamed and that he doesnt want to hurt me so is staying away from me. I found wvidence that him and the house guest have been sleeping together- i am shattered because i trusted him completely, now i feel like im stuck. they are both severely depressed and very close to suicidal so i have not told either that i know and have carried on as normal. He tells me he wants “space to work himself out” which i have been giving him, but he also doesn’t want either of us to leave/anything to change. Told me he wanted space, i asked what that looks like and he replied with idk just let me work it out. this is a really shitty situation because i dont want either of them to do anything silly (suicide), i can’t ask the guest to leave because there is no family or anywhere else they can go, but i also (obviously) don’t want the cheating to continue. I feel like my husband is not himself (depressed) and that has lead to being unfaithful- i see how distressed he is and i just want him to feel better. I think he feels ashamed that he has done this, but won’t actually tell me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I think i will just keep calm and carry on for the moment, give him space- in a 3 day lockdown, haha. I hope that things get better for all involved. just feeling really overwhelmed with all of this, not specifically asking for advice, just looking for some support/encouragement and being able to share whats going on (albeit online).

Augustus01 Drinking to excess
  • replies: 4

I don't understand the necessity of (mainly) young people to drink excessively these days. Going out drinking seemingly means writing yourself off and the next day to recover. Back in my day, which admittedly was a long time ago, going for a drink fo... View more

I don't understand the necessity of (mainly) young people to drink excessively these days. Going out drinking seemingly means writing yourself off and the next day to recover. Back in my day, which admittedly was a long time ago, going for a drink followed a meal, and involved company, sharing, conversations, and we all knew our limits. The drink allowed relaxation and sometimes someone would start singing some tune which others would join in, ended by a round of applause. Hangovers were unheard of. Now they seem to start before they head out, with the intention of one end result, regardless of who, what or where. And the climax seems to be where one ends up afterwards. I know all this is nothing new, but it's still alien to me.

Ceiling_fan Freak out during COVID, left my girlfriend and moved back to my home town. REGRET.
  • replies: 6

Hi, I know my situation is no were near as bad as lots of people on here. However I am in an enormous amount of pain - haven't eaten or slept really for 4 days. I had been with my partner for 3 years, we bought a house together in VIC, then in July l... View more

Hi, I know my situation is no were near as bad as lots of people on here. However I am in an enormous amount of pain - haven't eaten or slept really for 4 days. I had been with my partner for 3 years, we bought a house together in VIC, then in July last year I had a COVID freak out and decided I needed to move back to my home town in NSW. I asked her to come, but made it clear I was going with or without her. It took me 6 months to leave VIC, we stayed together the whole time. I have been back in NSW a month. I was sad when I first got back to NSW, but 4 days ago I have realised what a huge mistake I have made. I am crying upwards of 5 hours a day. I have been to see a psychologist but nothing seems to help. The only thing that I can think about is going back to VIC and getting back together with her. I rang and told her this a few days ago and she said it is too soon, she is not ready. I feel like I had the life I had always been dreaming about and then I have thrown it down the gutter. I am so ashamed of how I behaved and that I didn't realise my decision to leave VIC was based on made up fears, and I had it in my head she would just follow me to NSW. I have been a perfect boyfriend up until this. I just want to call her every second. Tt is so had not too - as she said, she needs space. I have told her I want to move back to VIC with her, but I have not told her about my not eating, sleeping and crying all day. Should I give her space? If so for how long? Or should I tell her that I am a bloody mess? I feel like I wake up into a nightmare every day.

Kaleidoscope Eyes Confused
  • replies: 1

Married young. Grown up children. Two weeks after a significant anniversary and weekend away, my husband had sex with a prostitute and then started visiting hook up sites. I found out by accident. Other surprises he has had a porn addiction since a t... View more

Married young. Grown up children. Two weeks after a significant anniversary and weekend away, my husband had sex with a prostitute and then started visiting hook up sites. I found out by accident. Other surprises he has had a porn addiction since a teenager and has been pleasuring himself almost daily while watching. Our marriage was not in a great place before this and we were more like room mates. We both want to stay together. He has given me complete access to his phone. He tells me that he had withdrawn from the websites about a week before when he realised what he was doing and that is true from his records. He says it was a mistake and he will never hurt me again. He is trying really hard to make it up to me and asked me to remarry him. I am having trouble with dealing with all of this and have many questions. We have spoken about what happened. I know he is sincere in his apologies. My concern is that when I asked him about stopping at first he said it was because they wanted money and that they were all a rip off. That if he did that I would find out and get hurt. I am confused did he do it because he loves me or because he had to pay. I worry that if it was free he would have continued on. He won't discuss it fully with me and says we have to move on. It happened about two months ago but it is still haunting me and I feel sick sometimes wondering.

JoannaJay Anyone here have a controlling spouse?.
  • replies: 6

Hi, i am new,but have found the courage to answer a couple of posts,so here is my situation as discreetly as possible. My husband is both financially controlling and also very critical and often quite nasty towards me. He wasn’t like this in the earl... View more

Hi, i am new,but have found the courage to answer a couple of posts,so here is my situation as discreetly as possible. My husband is both financially controlling and also very critical and often quite nasty towards me. He wasn’t like this in the early days when I first met him,although he lived with his mother and also had friends who gave him meals etc. so never really had to care for himself,nor had he been married before. He,has super in the bank in a joint account I can’t access, he got a large inheritance,and ,he is also on pension which the accountant got for him,as his micro business is not viable by their reckoning. Meanwhile I am on the spouse aged pension,have to pay all my own food,clothing,medical (Clinic doesn’t bulk bill) and I have chronic conditions needing constant visits and multiple medications. I pay for my own dental,optical (have macular so need special glasses),pay half of pet vaccinations and recent surgery,and the list goes on. I have to pay $100 of towards utilities too. Needless to say out of $700 of I am struggling and paying off a credit card debt.He gives me nothing,no present for Xmas,just complaints,he isn’t affectionate,I don’t get even a hug or a kiss. I have seen numerous Counselling services,financial legal service,even a solicitor (more money I don’t have) who has suggested I now see a mediator,which cost money. My husband came to a marriage counsellor once, I had to pay for sessions,when it came time to see her as a couple,he hit the roof and said it was a waste of his time. I am elderly and have no family apart from a disabled sister. I don’t know where to turn to next Divorce is going to have to be very carefully considered,as he could lose everything,and I might be worse off also. Recently after a day of picking fault ,I had a week of severe depression,where I was suicidal,wanted to just vanish,felt like self harming and had no joy in life at all ,at least I am well over that,as had depression,anxiety since very early childhood,was hospitalised on a couple of occasions and seen a few psychiatrists in the past. I just wish there was one person in the medical profession who could set up a meeting with a social worker or someone,who won’t give me the run around,as I can’t face having to go through all the unpleasant details again and again.

Linkala I want marriage/kids, he doesn't. Can this be resolved? *Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts*
  • replies: 3

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating during a difficult period in my life, difficult enough that I was getting my affairs in order and planning to kill myself. I knew from the start that he hates marriage and kids, but it di... View more

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating during a difficult period in my life, difficult enough that I was getting my affairs in order and planning to kill myself. I knew from the start that he hates marriage and kids, but it didn't matter at the time because A) I'd been told that I'd never be able to have children. B) I couldn't forsee either of us developing deeper feelings for each other, and C) I didn't plan on being around long enough for it to become an issue. Then we developed deeper feelings for each other anyway. He supported me in ways I'd never had before, helped me get in contact with doctors and stuck with me while I trialled new medications. I abandoned my plan to suicide, not everything was perfect but I was happier than I'd ever been. I've talked to him about the idea of getting married on multiple occassions, and his attitude is always along the line of "Why bother? We'll probably just end up divorced. We could even fall out of love tomorrow". It's hurtful to hear that he has so little faith in our relationship, and I feel guilty asking for more after all the support he's given me, so I've tried to keep it to myself. Then about 2 months ago I went to a new ObGyn and he saw evidence in my scans that indicate my original diagnosis of infertility may have been wrong. I was told to take a course of medications until April, which is when I'll have more tests and he'll determine whether I can have kids or not. So now there's a chance that I'll be told kids are an option again, which is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to worry about it right now, and that he'll try to re-think his stance on children after I've been told one way or the other, but he's also says that he hopes my infertility is irreversable. Whatever the doctor may say in April this whole issue has made me doubt our relationship. I love him more than I'd ever thought possible, we live together, spend every day with one another, share the same interests, etc. But he still operates on the mind-set that we could fall out of love at the drop of a hat and prefers that I stay infertile, which is hurtful on innumerable levels. I have no idea how to talk this through with him, or if it's something that we can resolve at all.

Belladame Hi would love some insight into my situation
  • replies: 6

Ok so this is my very first post, firstly, I’d like to say, well done and much love to everyone here living the struggle. I’ve been off illegal substances since before March last year. I had been a solid 25 year user and suddenly started having anxie... View more

Ok so this is my very first post, firstly, I’d like to say, well done and much love to everyone here living the struggle. I’ve been off illegal substances since before March last year. I had been a solid 25 year user and suddenly started having anxiety because the gear I was getting was causing me to have severe reactions of heart pounding, headaches, etc... even from different sources, so it was more my high level anxiety which made me stop. ive always been one of these, “functioning addicts” although that term bothers me. I prefer the term, “passing as a straight head” since i hadn’t raised any red flags with dhs, the schools, kinder, other parents, etc. My kids have always had everything they want and more and I pride myself on being a present parent despite my internally and financially debilitating drug addictions. So fast forward to now, i am doing HIIT boot camps every 2 days, I quit smoking in November and I’m trying my best to eat healthy and be a better influence towards my kids and most of all, be alive for them for the future. The main problem is my partner still uses(probably once/twice a week, which is better than everyday like before) and drinks beer everyday and smokes. If I wasn’t “making him stop” he wouldn’t do it otherwise, I’m trying to be supportive and patient and the money thing really gets to me now because I see what $200 can buy instead of drug use. can anyone pls help me with advice, he’s my children’s father and I wouldn’t want to leave him but what is the point that you can’t keep going when they don’t make any effort to want to change???

Meeksu Long-Distance during Covid- It's getting rough!
  • replies: 2

Howdy, I'll try to be brief! I met a lovely man in Feb 2020 right before the pandemic was announced. He was in Australia on holiday from the UK. We hit it off instantly. We spent time together while he was here, and he went home when his holiday was ... View more

Howdy, I'll try to be brief! I met a lovely man in Feb 2020 right before the pandemic was announced. He was in Australia on holiday from the UK. We hit it off instantly. We spent time together while he was here, and he went home when his holiday was up. We planned to meet up in the UK in June 2020, but of course that was made impossible. We have tried to keep in contact through everything that has been happening, but it's very difficult. He secured a job in my city, and we've been waiting for months for the green light for him to get on a plane. It has been hell being on my own for a year (I don't live near family or friends) and with things the way they are in the UK right now, I feel helpless and distressed. My partner's close friend passed away today from covid, and I just want to be there for him...there is only a limited amount of things I can do from across the ocean. Is anyone else doing long distance at the moment? And does anyone know who I can call for information regarding travel or updates on when he might be able to get into the country/ speed that up? I study counselling, have been in therapy for 10 years to remedy my BPD symptoms, and sometimes I still feel like I've run out of options to cope! I'm very much an 'action' person, so when I feel there is nothing I can do about a situation I tend to become more distressed than usual. Considering the state of the world right now, I think it's rather normal to feel distressed in general. Feel free to share stories, ideas, information about travel, etc. Take care, all.

Molly23 40, Divorce, No Kids, Single AGAIN
  • replies: 6

Hi, I’m new to this forum. At the moment, feeling anxious about to turn 41 this week. I’ve hated Christmas, NY, birthday, etc. for as long as I remember. Putting my best smile in front of family and friends and yet feeling so alone inside. I haven’t ... View more

Hi, I’m new to this forum. At the moment, feeling anxious about to turn 41 this week. I’ve hated Christmas, NY, birthday, etc. for as long as I remember. Putting my best smile in front of family and friends and yet feeling so alone inside. I haven’t been lucky in love but last year, I met someone who made me feel complete. I thought my search was over but after almost a year dating, he saw no future with me. Here I am again single, just like Bridget Jones. I hope one day, I can finally be happy too and don’t have to put on a happy face for everyone and cry when noone is around. I need to find my purpose in life...but it’s so hard when happiness kept being taken away from me. How do you pick yourself up and keep going forward? What’s your secret? I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Yellowflower01 Partners lying about porn
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I recently have started dating a new partner and everything has been going really well. It is becoming more serious since deciding to move in together and combining our families (children from previous relationships). We are both very sexua... View more

Hi there, I recently have started dating a new partner and everything has been going really well. It is becoming more serious since deciding to move in together and combining our families (children from previous relationships). We are both very sexual people and in my previous marriage was not able to be myself and explore my sexual interests, so it has been great for me to do that with my new partner. We have been talking about our fantasies and planning to live most of them out, together as a couple. I have always trusted my partner because he takes so much pride in telling me he never lies and that he hates liars, but recently I have found that he has been lying about watching porn. I am so confused because we have such an open and honest relationship about our sexual desires and needs. The porn he is watching is much the same as the sexual experiences we have been having lately so it is not fulfilling another fantasy that he cannot get or is not getting with me. I wonder why he is needing to lie about it. Does this mean that he is capable of lying about other things? I don’t want my trust for him to go and I have given him many opportunities to tell me the truth. I have never ever given him the idea that it would be a drama if he told me he watched porn. I worry that in the end I won’t be enough for him and that I won’t be able to meet all of his sexual needs. Then will he want to replace me? The only hard rule I have is that he doesn’t have any sexual acts or meetings with another women without me there and consenting to it happening and he has the same hard rule for me as well.