Te effects of emotional abuse on a marriage
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Hello Marguerita, spouses may be nice 90% of the time, but it's the rest of the time where you may be scared or frightened of what may happen next and because of this it dominates your marriage.
When he is nice with other people then perhaps they don't exactly know what he's like at home and that's only going to annoy you because you can't be certain what's going to happen when you return home.
It's your health you must look after because you are not sure how he will react even if you stay with him and it's possible it may get worse.
You need to talk with someone and a separation could be suggested, but please remember when this does happen the person promises they will fix their errors, but after a short period they can relapse back to their old self, so please remember this, but would dearly love to talk back with you.
welcone to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to what you wrote.
It is hard when everybody sees your partner as being as being a wonderful person we know there is another side. I once tried to tell someone who knew him but they wouldn’t believe me. I am fortunate I have support and people who will listen.
Is there someone you trust who would understand..
It is hard when most of the time is fine but for me it isn’t as high as it used to be. Those times when it affects your mental health maybe will grow.
I think walking on eggshells takes it toll and you second guess.
Geoff and Sophie have given you supportive suggestions.
Respect Australia as Sophie mention is helpful as are the other resources.
I think if you can get information and support it will help you make a plan.
we are listening and you are not alone.
Feel free to post here when you want to.
I feel for you so deeply as you face the challenge of managing your own emotions as well as your husband's (through working hard not to trigger him). You need to give yourself serious credit; managing our own emotions is one thing but when we're working hard to manage another person's we're technically working twice as hard. It can definitely become exhausting work.
I can relate to where you're coming from. I should mention, it was only a couple of weeks ago that I spoke to my husband of 20 years about the need for us to separate. I told him the marriage has become too depressing for me to continue managing in its current form. Whether we completely separate or we live separately while trying to work things out, all I know is that we can't continue going through the same depressing cycle. Can't help but wonder whether this cycle sounds familiar to you: Things can be going well. You say/do something upsetting or triggering to him and he shuts you down. You cycle into a down phase (a depressed state that could at times be accompanied by resentment) until you figure out how to make things better. You enter into the part where you manage to make things better and he's happy again. You're both happy together until you trigger him. The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. if this does sound familiar, you're technically doing all the work to evolve the marriage.
My husband too is basically a nice guy. This definitely makes things harder, leading us to self doubt. The self doubt factor can sound like 'Am I being unreasonable? Am I the problem? Maybe I am hard to live with'. The big question I came to ask myself was 'Can I be my natural self around him, without triggering him to dismiss me or become angry?'. My revelation, 'I can't be myself and this is depressing me'. I'm wondering if you can relate to a simple example: If your natural self is reasonable, when you offer valid reasons for your feelings and/or actions, does he shut you down, walk away or respond with anger? Does he refuse to listen to reason? Does he not respect your reasons? Does he not care? Are you led to suppress the natural desire to offer valid reasons? As long as you simply don't rock the boat, by behaving in pleasing ways, are things all good in his opinion?
As I've said to my husband 'You can help yourself but you refuse to. If you choose not to help yourself, I refuse to continue taking responsibility for that'.
You're a beautiful deeply feeling person Marguerita 🙂
You've had responses from senior members already so I won't repeat that sound advice.
My 1st wife was abusive eith silence and laziness. It's totally different but I know the isolation you feel
It seems other than these outbursts, your marriage would survive. So, I'd like to offer some thoughts on that.
- "Familiarity breeds contempt". It might not be you that is causing his rant but that you are there and a person to take it out on.
- If you plan to leave consider a tactic of putting up a resistance first. If he has confrontation as a result of his aggression he might rethink.
- Google: beyondblue topic relationship strife? The peace pipe
- Seek professional counselling. If he won't go then attend alone.
I hope that helps