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Relationships -Alcoholism and Infidelity Mean?

IngBat7
Community Member

Hello There - Where do I start?

My partner and I have been together five and a half years. To be honest, he is an alcoholic - Who becomes someone completely different when he has had red wine.

He isn't currently working much at the moment and I have just picked up some part time work which helps pay the bills.

When he was working, it would involve numerous away trips of a short duration and although he doesn't realise I know, I have become aware that another woman has 'involved' herself with him.

I don't really know what I am asking for here. A bit of support and empathy, I suppose?

The hardest thing is - I still love him and I always will, to infinity and beyond. I am committed to him and I believe in our relationship.

3 Replies 3

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello IngBat, it always takes courage to start your own thread and that's what you've done, so we want to thank you and only want to help you.

You love your partner to infinity and beyond and understand that when he drinks red wine he changes, so perhaps when he drank some other lady came into the scene, but I'm not blaming anybody here, but this could be possible.

He may not be able to associate himself with this other person when he's sober but delighted someone else has drawn their attention to him, as I suppose most people are unless suffering from some type of illness.

This must be most difficult for you and I'm very sorry it's happening, but if you love him so much, the topic should be raised before it gets any worse, which won't be easy for you, which I totally understand, so try and raise the subject the best way you can.

I want to support you every way that's possible and this is only to reply back to you and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Saaem
Community Member

Hello IngBat7,

1) Infidelity 2) Alcoholism. Both have potential to devastate you & your relationship. It's hard to know if in your partner's circumstances, the two are separate issues or interrelated, but they do often go together.

You're five and a half years into the dream/nightmare of your loving relationship with an alcoholic. I'm 11 years into mine, so roughly twice as long. It has not improved and has by now left me with large financial problems, major depressive disorder & difficulties in functioning in my professional role as a lawyer. He has been to hospital 3 times & is now in his 3rd stint of rehab. He's lost his profession, his income, his day to day functioning & maybe me. I'm not sure yet, but I will probably leave, even though I still love him dearly.

At first, my partner also turned into someone else when he drank; someone hard to understand as connected with the person he was when sober. More recently, say for the past 4 years, the "someone else" has become the predominant personality & the kind, decent & intelligent man has mostly disappeared. He's still in there, buried somewhere under the addict's character, but his appearances are very brief. Alcoholism is not static; unless the addict stops drinking, it progresses sooner or later to worse outcomes. Unfortunately no one is really a nice guy, when they are actively following an addiction.

As loving women, as "caring" people, it can be really hard to accept that all our commitment, devotion, love, etc. have virtually no effect in straightening out the problems of our very nice but very addicted partners. In my case, my partner has come to resent me for my attempts to help him, because these attempts interfere with his drinking. They are also useless. We have no control at all over our partners' addiction.

Last year, for the first time, I found online messages to other women. This year, it's a handwritten note to a local woman with "beautiful piles of blonde hair" he has "dropped in to see but you were not home, damn!" I was & am gutted by these betrayals. I should not really be surprised; my partner has lied to me about big things & small for years now. But I genuinely wasn't expecting this from him, because in my mind he's still a nice guy, and I thought that would prevail.

I'm so sorry for the pain you have already and will continue to experience. I recommend you contact an Al-Anon group who can support and guide you far more than I can in an online post.

Good luck.

yggdrasil
Community Member

Hi IngBat7,

Thank you so much for posting on here. I'm really sorry to hear about your challening situation. I just wanted to echo what Saaem has said. Sometimes the most loving and caring thing you can do for another person is set ironclad boundaries, and stick to them. This can feel ruthless and horrible, and produce intense feelings of guilt, particularly if the other party has become practiced at exploiting these feelings of guilt.

If you think about how professional counselling and support services work, while there may be deep sympathy, forgiveness, and a non-judgemental outlook, there are always strict rules, and boundaries: without these everyone gets burnt out and the services quickly become unsustainable. I think setting boundaries in a romantic relationship means you have to be prepared to end the relationship if boundaries are routinely violated. Obviously this is easier said than done.

Have you ever considered seeking counselling for your situation yourself? Talking to your GP could be a good first step, and they can help you set up a "mental health care plan" which entitles you to up to 20 free sessions a year with a psychologist or social worker of your choice. Talking to a professional regularly, may help guide you in setting up the boundaries with your partner necessary for protecting your own mental health and wellbeing.

Thank you again so much for posting on here. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, and I think you've taken a brave and awesome step by seeking support and help. I wish you the best of luck, and please feel free to continue posting on the forums if it is helpful 🙂 All the best,