Abandoned by someone I thought was a friend... yet again
I feel like life isn't much worth living without a woman who loves me. I don't know how much of this is due to:
1. an instinctual phase-of-life thing; the biological drive to reproduce (which will maybe go away as I get older).
2. what happened with my mother.
3. Desire for human connection and intimacy, and specifically with females it feels closer somehow.
4. A vacuum where perhaps (?) other people have an axiomatic, bullheaded sense of what they are, what they will / must do next; whereas I have many many many ideas of things that might be worth doing with myself, but all of them lose all of their motivational power when I feel abandoned like this; everything I could do becomes overpowered by "why bother; what's the point".
5. Just a personality thing; like.. different stuff is important to everyone.
When I was about 20 (I'm 33), my mum left the state and didn't tell anyone where she went. She just left and started a new life. Her siblings tried to find her, and the message they got back from her, through the private investigator was something like "This person no longer exists. Don't attempt to contact me again". People seem shocked when I tell them this. My therapists have often said "that's strange; a mother would never leave her children; there's a special bond". Well, this one did. I know she had a history of some kind of mental illness; anxiety / depression, it sounds like.
To this day, every single woman I have ever felt close to has done the same thing. Just left. Although not physically like my mum, but rather they've done things like: started cancelling arrangements at the last minute, stopped saying "I love you", stopped hugging me, stopped making plans, and then at some point just entirely stopped answering messages and calls. Like I never meant anything at all to them. Or somehow I even meant less than a stranger, because I think it's just basic human decency to reply to a person who's talking to you, even a stranger. And especially a person who is obviously in pain. I feel like all the love I gave them was aimed at a cardboard cut-out. All the times I felt they loved me, all the moments that were special to me, were not real; never meant anything to them; they were play-acting, or something.
This has happened so many times. I knew L. for about 5 years. She was one of my favourite people. On a bad day, I could think of her and feel a little better. She was the one who I could think of and believe that women were not all evil heartless shits. Now I don't know if the person I knew was even real, and I still want her back. Though I don't know how I could ever again trust someone who hurt me so thoroughly, for apparently no reason, and continues to do with every new day of apathy.
I could never imagine treating *anyone* the way these people have treated me; let alone someone I've professed to love, and known for years. Yet it seems so easy for them. I feel like perhaps women do not actually ever love men. That rather, they just make use of men's love for them, until such time as it's no longer necessary.
I want close relationships with women, and my life's trajectory is defined by them treating me ever and ever more cruelly. Should I stop wanting this and become a hermit? Then the problem becomes that I want nothing.
Vegetarian marshmallow ( Ike your name)
I am sorry you have experienced people abandoning you . Some people end relationships by going away as they may be afraid to upset someone face to face.
I can feel your pain and confusion.
have you ever spoken to a counsellor.. Or Relationships Australia. 1300 364 277
They maybe worth contacting for a chat.
it sounds as though you have been betrayed by those close to you. And each time it occurs, it reinforces what happened the previous times which must have a big impact on how a person sees themself. I'd imagine you would feel hurt and wonder if you could trust anyone again.
At the end of your post, you asked about becoming a hermit, which contradicts your wanting a connection. What I can say is that if you were to become a hermit you would likely protect yourself from getting hurt, but as you know it removes that chance of a finding a connection and the joy that could bring.
That are other things from your post I would like to respond to at some stage. Right now, I want to know there are people here listening to and learning from your story.
Peace to you, Tim