I had this friend, L. I thought that she cared about me. If someone
asked me who I could consider a real friend, I would think of her. I
told her how every other female friend I've had has abandoned me out of
nowhere. She said "why would they do that...
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I had this friend, L. I thought that she cared about me. If someone
asked me who I could consider a real friend, I would think of her. I
told her how every other female friend I've had has abandoned me out of
nowhere. She said "why would they do that". Fast forward a few years,
and she did the same thing. I feel like life isn't much worth living
without a woman who loves me. I don't know how much of this is due to:
1. an instinctual phase-of-life thing; the biological drive to reproduce
(which will maybe go away as I get older). 2. what happened with my
mother. 3. Desire for human connection and intimacy, and specifically
with females it feels closer somehow. 4. A vacuum where perhaps (?)
other people have an axiomatic, bullheaded sense of what they are, what
they will / must do next; whereas I have many many many ideas of things
that might be worth doing with myself, but all of them lose all of their
motivational power when I feel abandoned like this; everything I could
do becomes overpowered by "why bother; what's the point". 5. Just a
personality thing; like.. different stuff is important to everyone. When
I was about 20 (I'm 33), my mum left the state and didn't tell anyone
where she went. She just left and started a new life. Her siblings tried
to find her, and the message they got back from her, through the private
investigator was something like "This person no longer exists. Don't
attempt to contact me again". People seem shocked when I tell them this.
My therapists have often said "that's strange; a mother would never
leave her children; there's a special bond". Well, this one did. I know
she had a history of some kind of mental illness; anxiety / depression,
it sounds like. To this day, every single woman I have ever felt close
to has done the same thing. Just left. Although not physically like my
mum, but rather they've done things like: started cancelling
arrangements at the last minute, stopped saying "I love you", stopped
hugging me, stopped making plans, and then at some point just entirely
stopped answering messages and calls. Like I never meant anything at all
to them. Or somehow I even meant less than a stranger, because I think
it's just basic human decency to reply to a person who's talking to you,
even a stranger. And especially a person who is obviously in pain. I
feel like all the love I gave them was aimed at a cardboard cut-out. All
the times I felt they loved me, all the moments that were special to me,
were not real; never meant anything to them; they were play-acting, or
something. This has happened so many times. I knew L. for about 5 years.
She was one of my favourite people. On a bad day, I could think of her
and feel a little better. She was the one who I could think of and
believe that women were not all evil heartless shits. Now I don't know
if the person I knew was even real, and I still want her back. Though I
don't know how I could ever again trust someone who hurt me so
thoroughly, for apparently no reason, and continues to do with every new
day of apathy. I could never imagine treating *anyone* the way these
people have treated me; let alone someone I've professed to love, and
known for years. Yet it seems so easy for them. I feel like perhaps
women do not actually ever love men. That rather, they just make use of
men's love for them, until such time as it's no longer necessary. I want
close relationships with women, and my life's trajectory is defined by
them treating me ever and ever more cruelly. Should I stop wanting this
and become a hermit? Then the problem becomes that I want nothing.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
