Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Mark247 Stuck in an abusive home
  • replies: 24

After a long abusive marriage I have managed to separate from my wife. Unfortunately I am now stuck in the same house with her. No physical abuse, but emotional, psychological and financial abuse. We cannot agree on a property settlement and she has ... View more

After a long abusive marriage I have managed to separate from my wife. Unfortunately I am now stuck in the same house with her. No physical abuse, but emotional, psychological and financial abuse. We cannot agree on a property settlement and she has all our money so I can't afford to move out unless I agree to her terms, which are unfair and she knows it. She knows I can't leave. I have a solicitor, but it will take 12 to 18 months to drag her through the court. Apart from the financial cost, I cannot imagine how I will cope with 18 months of this. I am already fearful that my life is at risk. My solicitor says that the Family Court won't care about the abuse, and besides it is too hard to prove anyway. I have tried many agencies and they all agree that the abuse should come into it, but I keep hitting dead ends. If I were female with bruises I would have a case. There appear to be very few avenues for men. Help!

fireheartt My Partner shuts me out whenever he feels low about himself.
  • replies: 2

I've been with my partner for almost a year now, in a nutshell our relationships is really good, we spend a lot of time together, we have fun, we're chill and easy going and all in all its good, we've had communication issues before but we both agree... View more

I've been with my partner for almost a year now, in a nutshell our relationships is really good, we spend a lot of time together, we have fun, we're chill and easy going and all in all its good, we've had communication issues before but we both agreed to try to be better, we don't have any arguments, any disagreements we have we sit and talk through it, we don't raise our voices at each other, we just talk it out and we both love each other deeply. In the year we've been together there have been 3 instances where he has shut me out. The first time I had told him something that I found out about myself and he freaked out and needed time and space away from me, the second he felt bad about himself, he didn't understand how i could love a person like him and he shut me out and needed space and then there is this time. When he gets to a certain point he tends to want to run, break up, because he thinks I deserve better and it hurts me because it feels like for him its easier to just leave than to want to be better, then to want more, it's easier for him to be alone so that's what he keeps falling back to. This 3rd instance is worst, he feels horrible about himself and disappointed of what he had done and the look on his face the next day was of utter defeat and he thinks its better if we break up, I don't want him to dig himself into a hole and stay there because it's better to be alone and his done it all his life, I'm his partner and I want to stand by him and work through things with him, but he won't let me in, he keeps shutting me out as if any decisions or emotions he has only affect him and only his wishes needs to be respected and not mine. I don't know what to do or how much time he needs, he says he needs to think things through but I worry if given to much time the negative thoughts his having will fester and grow into something much worst, and all of this is very difficult for me, I can't manage to do anything my heart feels heavy.

Orange_Rose My husband wants to transition into a woman
  • replies: 3

I have been married for 6 years. 2 months ago my husband told me he had only recently worked out he should have been born a woman. He said the only reason he was able to understand this feeling was because he was so happy with life (even though he ha... View more

I have been married for 6 years. 2 months ago my husband told me he had only recently worked out he should have been born a woman. He said the only reason he was able to understand this feeling was because he was so happy with life (even though he has depression). He said he wanted to stay with me. I did not react well. I became someone I didn't know. For almost 2 months we had constant fights. I yelled at him and said some very horrible things. He swore at me, he started to become self absorbed, distant and disengaged. I went to counselling and as per advice created boundaries. He got upset with boundaries, so we stopped. Before this, our marriage was full of love, honesty, support, loyalty, kindness and laughter. We constantly joked we were still in the honeymoon phase. We brought out the best in each other. His family even said that before me he was very sad, lonely and quiet. I never knew that man. I helped build his confidence. 2 days after Christmas he moved out because he said he needed a break. We have only spoken a couple of times since and after our last conversation he said he felt ambushed even though it was only about our finances during the break. Going forward he has asked I text him what I want to talk about first before we have a call the following day. He wants time to consider his response. Seeing me isn't going to help. He said he no longer feels the same about me as when we first met and at this point, he thinks he doesn't want to be married to me however given we have both been through a very emotional time he doesn't want to make a rash unwise decision. The break will continue until he has spoken with his psychiatrist (which may take several few weeks). After he left, I wrote him a letter apologising for everything I said and that I loved him and I think I could stay with him as a woman (despite the fact I'm straight). I feel like I have done everything I can to take responsibility for my actions. He has not shown any remorse. He has been hypocritical with his demands (i.e. I have to instantly accept who he is but he can't accept who I am at my worst) and has shut me out. I love him and want to work this out. I don't know what to do. 6 years of joy apparently means nothing nor does for better or worse. I think he believes if you don't have butterflies in your stomach for a fleeting moment, you no longer love that person. This has been our first major issue. We have no kids but intended to start IVF (his sperm was the issue).

Kp88 I need my brother to move out
  • replies: 3

So my brother moved in to my garage last feb, he was supposed to only live there for 2 months until he got a job, some savings and another place to live. Its been almost a year and he has had no job interviews and wastes his money on junk. Its time f... View more

So my brother moved in to my garage last feb, he was supposed to only live there for 2 months until he got a job, some savings and another place to live. Its been almost a year and he has had no job interviews and wastes his money on junk. Its time for him to move, him living with me could cause issues with the house im planning on building(i wont go into details) and he asks me for money even tho i need that for my house. how do i get him to leave and make sure he doesnt end up on the street? He makes no effort to find a job. I cant keep stressing about this anymore

Azz77 Strict Parents
  • replies: 4

I've been struggling from depression and anxiety, everyday seems miserable and it's like my life is stuck on repeat. I can't handle my parents anymore and i don't know how to cope, they're the type of people to get a drunk a lot meaning they go out a... View more

I've been struggling from depression and anxiety, everyday seems miserable and it's like my life is stuck on repeat. I can't handle my parents anymore and i don't know how to cope, they're the type of people to get a drunk a lot meaning they go out a lot so they're barely home, and once they come home it's not pleasant. I'm always stuck believing that all the stuff they say is true and that they really don't want me and would be better off without me, they're not my biological parents but i've been living with them for a long time, I'm nearly 16 and home is like hell for me and ik i don't have it as bad as others. But I can't keep living like this anymore, i'm constantly told that i'm a crappy child and don't care what they have to say, when I barely say anything at all nor do anything that is classified as being disrespectful, i constantly get into arguments with my parents, constantly told that I am breaking both of them apart and it's all my fault. I'm not allowed most things teenagers have and do most days of the week, and every time I go hang out with my group of friends i'm always told that they'll bring me undone, most of my group consists of girls and two boys, and my parents can't see past that, i'm constantly being told that the girls in the group will ditch me when they get a chance and won't have my back when I'm in need of help, i'm sick of being told these things I'm so sick of being told that I need more male friends as I'm a boy and I have to leave my friends to find other ones, i'm so sick of living at home and so sick of the lies i'm constantly being told, nothing ever good happens around them. I'm constantly told to smile and I just can't fake it anymore, I can't keep being told that they don't need me and if I don't like their rules the front door is right there. My curfew is 5pm, and I'm not allowed out if they can't guarantee they can get me home because they'll be drunk and that's so annoying how they can't do something for their son for once. I also have a job and i'm threatened that I'll have to resign because they don't like the hours I work and they can't pick me up sober from work. How do I live with parents that control more things than I've stated and crap talk me to their friends when I don't do anything sinister? Like sure i've done things they don't like but I keep in mind what I am and am not allowed to do and I don't break their rules but I'm constantly told I do... Thanks for reading, hope you have a fantastic week

Shaytana Toxic family
  • replies: 7

Hi Reading the posts i am not alone. Ive struggled with my MH although im a MH nurse and therapist. I fly into health to only meet my reality and scare anxiety sleepless nights come back. not knowing who i am, because i stopped engaging in life and d... View more

Hi Reading the posts i am not alone. Ive struggled with my MH although im a MH nurse and therapist. I fly into health to only meet my reality and scare anxiety sleepless nights come back. not knowing who i am, because i stopped engaging in life and disconnecting from emotion i run in bland neutral as i dont know how to trust me, my mother gaslighted me seporated off each family nember and scapegoated me. I was hit ridiculed set up to fail each day of my life, i left the UK and i dived into a pit of depression Finding female friends that matched my mother. Wolves in my head ripping at any self confidence, im exhausted.. but now ready to own my stuff. My mood swings my voice. My uniqueness and my anger. The only thing im scared of is meeting me again after throwing myself away. Wish me luck.

Brent_and_Kate Long distance
  • replies: 4

My partner and I live an hours drive from each other. He works even further away and is building a house where he works. I currently rent with 2 housemates and he is living at home at the moment with his parents. We both work full time and he has oth... View more

My partner and I live an hours drive from each other. He works even further away and is building a house where he works. I currently rent with 2 housemates and he is living at home at the moment with his parents. We both work full time and he has other activities after work during the week and on Saturday. My family all live 2 hours away in the other direction. We are struggling with not seeing each other and I am personally feel we should live together, but neither of us want to change jobs and move. We see each other on Tuesday when I drive up to see him, Wednesday when he comes down to me and on the weekends usually alternating. We are both very tired after work as well being new grads. My partner did live in the same area last year when we were studying but moved back home for his job. one issue for me is that he lives with his mum and dad, and his mum does a lot for him. we both also were brought up differently, my experience of love and relationships is very different to his. My parents fought, argued, but are good at compromising and also come to a solution. They show affection and my sister and I always knew how much they love each other. My parents have a very equal partnership and always talk things out and do not fall into specific gender roles. My partners parents are pretty much the opposite; they do not show affection and probably don’t love each other and his father has had a stroke and his mother basically spends her time looking after him and the family as she has done for all her married life. He doesn’t expect to have a relationship like his parents or follow gender norms, but he hasn’t been modelled effective communication. I communicate and deal with issues quite differently to my partner. I’m not sure he actually knows how to show his love to me. I know he loves me Very much but he struggles to show it and communicate. I’d don’t think he knows what to do in a relationship. I feel I have had to make most of the sacrifices so far. I don’t feel like a priority in his life My partner feels like we are drifting apart and struggling more every week with the distance. He also feels that he is stealing My time by asking me to travel for the relationship. He feels selfish playing the sports he loves

JimmyM Depressed spouse - struggling husband
  • replies: 3

Hi I am a husband of a chronically depressed wife. She has been chronically depressed for about 12 years and started when her father passed away ans she has now got the financial burden of having to look after her mother. I think the issues stem from... View more

Hi I am a husband of a chronically depressed wife. She has been chronically depressed for about 12 years and started when her father passed away ans she has now got the financial burden of having to look after her mother. I think the issues stem from her child hood and the mental abuse her parents dished out to her plus she has a myriad of auto immune diseases that have curtailed her quality of life. Our marriage has fallen apart over the last 6 years and we have been to various marriage counsellours to try fix our relationship. She admits she is chronically depressed but refuses to go get help and she sees it as a big sign of weakness. She also bottles things up and does not communicate even though Im a good listener. She hardly shows any signs of initmacy and our sex life has basically disapeared that I dont even bother initiating sex for fear of being rejected. She withdraws from everything and seems to go into the bottomless pit of despair. I realise that I cant fix her but also now feeling bad that I am failing as a husband as I have been worn out with trying to support her but I just dont have the energy to go on which is making the situation worse as I am so frustrated and grumpy and I dont make make the situation any easier for the 2 of us. She only seems to improve when we are on overseas holidays so she can temporarily forget about her worries, we have spent a lot of time doing competitive sport and doing the same events but our sporting interests have changed, luckilly we dont have children but then again that could be the glue that binds us together. I feel like I'm the one that is putting in the effort to save the marriage and would hate to split up with the love of my life and best friend for the last 26 years but marriage counselling hasnt really worked except for a short time where the 1 counsellor acknowledged that my wife does have some issues and got her to go back for some individual counselling sessions but my wife discontinued as I dont think she liked what the counsellor told her. I went back to the same counsellor about a year later after another marriage breakdown and was told that my wife wont change unless she got help. How long should I keep trying or is it time to move on? When do you know when the relationship is unsalvageable?

car10001 making friends
  • replies: 3

hi everyone. hope yous all had a good xmas and new year was wondering how youd be able to make a few good friends similar age bracket to me (33) that you regularly hang around with and do something once in a while, just dont have anyone to do certain... View more

hi everyone. hope yous all had a good xmas and new year was wondering how youd be able to make a few good friends similar age bracket to me (33) that you regularly hang around with and do something once in a while, just dont have anyone to do certain things with, and would love for it to happen. friends have moved away and cousins who have used to go up and spend time with and also family events now have kids and while its not completely impossible to go up and spend time with them, it is harder now because of having kids and also because they got back into go karts and do it nearly every weekend. those same cousins raced go karts quite a few years ago for a while stopped doing go karts and have got back into them again. now coming to realisation and have done for a while that they have moved on and its time to make more friends similar age. also know someone who has a seemingly never ending supply of facebook friends and seems to have a heap and know a heap as well and they were probably from before the coronavirus came. what are ways to make friends during the coronavirus, one way is meetup.com which brings the next question. everytime you go on meetup.com and search for my area nearest is always the closest capital city and was wondering how to get a meetup happening in my area to likely meet people hopefully similar age in the area or set one up yourself that regularly happens. is there a way to make friends similar age when you currently work for a place thats open weekends where theyre likely out doing stuff to allow you to hang in there until the time is right to make the change to do something else which may only have a occasional weekend day if at all and for not as long, sometimes with jobs and everything else you have to hang on until the times right. do like camping here and there and slowly setting car up to do a little bit where you can take a normal 2wd car so once starting that it might start with a couple people and then more and more people may turn up thanks

HannaMelb dreading Xmas
  • replies: 7

Hi all... I'm a 55 years old single mum of a 15 years old son. I have been in Australia for 30 years. I have no financial issues and a good job. Yet I dread Xmas. My son spends his holidays interstate with his father. I could spend Xmas with friends ... View more

Hi all... I'm a 55 years old single mum of a 15 years old son. I have been in Australia for 30 years. I have no financial issues and a good job. Yet I dread Xmas. My son spends his holidays interstate with his father. I could spend Xmas with friends but they are all married and I got tired of being the "outsider" at their house when their relatives come and I'm the only outsider. I can see that makes them uncomfortable. So for the last few years I have been spending Xmas and NYE alone at home. I have no desire to go out on my own. I could travel somewhere but I don't feel like it as it makes me feel even more lonely. I lost contact with my childhood friends back in my homeland as it has been so long. My family back home have become distant as well except for my elderly mother with whom we all have issues and my sister. I keep regular contact over the internet with them. I have made friendships here but for some reason or another (usually my single friends finding a partner and moving on from single life) I end up distancing from them as well. Being the only single one makes it difficult to make friends with married people. To make things worse I got involved with a married man from a neighbouring country to mine hence with similar cultural background but he's going back with his family early next year (please don't judge me, I know it's not right but I didn't want that for myself but loneliness was too much). I guess this will resolve itself once he goes back home but he wants to keep in touch as he has to come back to Australia eventually for work. I don't want to wait for him, I cannot put my life on hold for someone who has a wife and kids already... I feel I have everything to be happy but I am not. I miss having someone in my life as my son is becoming more independent and I am scared of having too much time for myself. I am happy to try voluntary work or helping others in some way so I can have a sense of purpose in my life (apart from being a mother, of course - I have dedicated myself to raise my son for the last 8 years since I separated from his father who was emotionally abusive to me, he still is but I can manage that now). I'm sorry if I'm all over the place but I am writing these words as they come to my mind. Just want to know that there are other people out there feeling the same as me and feeling miserable during Xmas when it seems like everybody has a family to enjoy but me. What do people do in that situation? Thanks for reading...