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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Dadofangels What do I do
  • replies: 4

My wife and I had our first son as planned, after a year of marriage. then we tried unsuccessfully for the next 5 years, which eventually led to a separation for a year. when we got back together we were able to have another child which we were grate... View more

My wife and I had our first son as planned, after a year of marriage. then we tried unsuccessfully for the next 5 years, which eventually led to a separation for a year. when we got back together we were able to have another child which we were grateful for. The next few years we tried again and again only to lose 5 babies to miscarriage. During this time I have lost many family members including my dad who nearly died from a bowl obstruction then recovered only to find that he had a tumor behind his heart. He died 4 weeks before my 40th. Next my wife fell pregnant again and all was going well. We thought my dad was watching over us with this baby. My baby boy died at 38 weeks gestation. I'll never forget the pain of holding my perfect son in hospital, willing his eyes to open. Such a tiny coffin at his funeral. Now nearly 4 years later I cannot concentrate. I am sad. I feel like my wife doesn't care if Im around or not. We have no affection anymore. I work away and cant wait to get home to my family only to pick up the last argument we left off last week. I am depressed and anxious. I dont know what to do. If i try to speak to my wife about it she says nothing is wrong or Im overreacting, Im putting words in her mouth, She is sick of how things are and wants it to change or shell leave. She wont sit and talk. I have a choking feeling in my throat all the time. sometimes i cant sleep because of it. My chest is tight and im tired. i just want to be happy. not too much to ask. What do i do?

eaura I don't want anyone else
  • replies: 5

I have been with my girlfriend with 3 years, and we were not only best friends, but we found a strong emotional connection with each other, we understood each other on a level no one else did. I met her during a dark place, she showed me love like no... View more

I have been with my girlfriend with 3 years, and we were not only best friends, but we found a strong emotional connection with each other, we understood each other on a level no one else did. I met her during a dark place, she showed me love like no one ever has, it was always mutual. I always had an issue with trust so I'd test her love without realizing and distanced myself from her out of fear of losing her. She ended up cutting contact with me, and got very nasty and verbally abusive with me, calling me every name under the sun. I know I was emotionally manipulative and see that I hurt her a lot, so I started getting help and have been seeing a psychologist, and I took her punches. I've lost the only thing in the world that I care about and I don't see any hope in living anymore. She has cut me off completely now, I have no way of contacting her, even to have a real sincere conversation, she wouldn't care if I ended my life. I've tried to help myself but it's obvious that nothing's working because she's still gone. I'm at the end of my rope.

cole845 where to now?
  • replies: 8

this is a long journey for me and i am now at a crossroads and dont know which path to take. my partner and i have been together for 14 years and have two beautiful children, 7 and 4. in those 14 years there has been lots of triggers that sinks him d... View more

this is a long journey for me and i am now at a crossroads and dont know which path to take. my partner and i have been together for 14 years and have two beautiful children, 7 and 4. in those 14 years there has been lots of triggers that sinks him deeper into this giant hole which he cant and refuses to get out of. it has got to the point that in the last 9 months he has not been home for nearly three of them, instead choosing to hang around with some very unsavory people. to which he lies to me about. when he is home he is either asleep in bed or asleep on the couch. he has not worked for almost this entire period, he sees the financial struggle i am trying to deal with but does nothing about it, usually by leaving or creating an argument and then blaming it on me.he has recently moved back in with his parents, who refuse to acknowledge their son is "broken", so they just enable him to continue being in this state and basically turn a blind eye to him. i am now at a point where i am just waiting for a call that he has ended his life. his mother will not even take my calls anymore and if she does, i am the one to blame for his behavior. he has been to councilling, is on medication, but has gotten significantly worse, i feel i am the only one who can see it and the only one who wants to help him. i have become the enemy. i do love this man very much and was looking forward to a very bright future with him, but where to now?

josie5 Lost and lonely!
  • replies: 9

My partner and I have been together for 18 months and most of it has been great. We are the best together and despite the 15 year age gap, we understand each other well. We had a couple of problems at the start of the relationship but we battled thro... View more

My partner and I have been together for 18 months and most of it has been great. We are the best together and despite the 15 year age gap, we understand each other well. We had a couple of problems at the start of the relationship but we battled through. The first problem was I went to help my Ex who got hurt in a bar fight because I thought he needed an ambulance. I wasnt in love with him but being the person I am i cared for the well being of people i know/knew. This sent my partner angry but what made it worse is the next day i went and spoke to my ex for about an hour where nothing happened. Me and my partner was angry and wanted to go back to his place so we travelled back to my house where it all turned to custard and he flipped out because he thought i had organised my ex to come over. (that day i had minor surgery where i had 10 stitches put in my belly). Anyway i ended up calling the police on him because he made me scared. My friend called my ex on this night because i needed help. the next night my ex actually raped me.Me and my partner got back together but i didnt tell him about it because i was ashamed of it. I lied about it all to him. I didnt fess up for another 12 months. He thinks i cheated on him when I didn't. I admit i have told him alot of lies about it and told some white lies (things that make no difference to anything) but right now he hates me and im trying to fix this relationship because he is the love of my life and yes we have been through some huge agruments over the relationship but i cant lose him. He is lost in this cycle of paranoia and has it stuck in his head that i have cheated on him when i know i havent and I'm being punished everyday emotionally. Ive had to cut out my family because they dont like him and he asked me to do it. Id do anything for this man and he cant see it. He thinks im lying to him but im not. The worst lie i told him was that i was pregnant once but that was to see the reaction id get from him and his reaction was "its not mine, Abort it" Everyone is saying just leave him but i can't, i love him too much. Help!

RossC NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS BEFORE AFTER A RELATIONSHIP
  • replies: 2

Hi , first time here, just thought I would write something as I find im just not coping. My story, am 39 have a daughter who is my life and was pretty much single for last 8 years, was happy, enjoying life, had goals, a good job, a nice house, everyt... View more

Hi , first time here, just thought I would write something as I find im just not coping. My story, am 39 have a daughter who is my life and was pretty much single for last 8 years, was happy, enjoying life, had goals, a good job, a nice house, everything was rosy, wasn't after a relationship and wasn't seeking one. I then met a woman that basically pursued me and before I know it was being spoilt in every way imaginable, presents, love, sex, fun etc I honestly fell madly in love and was enjoying it greatly. However it wasn't long before I realized something wasn't right, this woman would constantly belittle my family, friends and especially my daughter, all females that had anything to do with my life, from exes to nieces, to sister to friends wives. I knew it wasn't right and tried to end it but she would keep coming back. After 12 months together of definitely the most intense relationship I have ever been in, I returned home from work(Im a fly in fly out worker working away for 4 weeks at a time) to find out that she had been seeing two different men for about the last 2 months, including when I was even home. She cut off all physical contact and via email and sms denied everything over and over. Over a period of a week or two I received photos text messages and emails from her own friends who were so disgusted with what she had done and was still doing. The content of all was basically that I would just go away in time and she could get on with her new man. The dishonesty, deceiving and betrayal ultimately brought me to my knees, I completely fell apart emotionally. I sought counselling and got an understanding of what type of person I was with, extremely insecure and no empathy, I did already know this and tried my best to reaasure her but as counsellor said I would never have been able to do enough for her. The problem I found now is it has been over 4 months and I am still really really struggling, im back at work at moment, I cant eat sleep, function, spare hours are spent trying to find any information I can via social media or friends. Its all left me in shock and in fact in shock at myself for doing it as I have always considered myself to be a strong person and never imagined someone effecting me so badly. She was in fact a terrible person even when I was with her but for some reason I cant let go. I haven't spoken to her in a month and the last time she was still denying everything even as her friends were telling me 'yes they are definitely together'. I know this is probably a minor thing to most people, couples break up everyday, but for the first time in my life im just not coping, even after all this time I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. For first time I understand why people take their lives to escape the pain, (I wont, I have a daughter that I live for). I would have her back at the drop of a hat even though I knew from start I shouldn't have been with her, how is this possible?? I think as I have no access to counsellor here I just needed to tell someone how much im still hurting. I no longer see a future, I no longer get enjoyment from the same things or even look forward to being home. I just want it all to go away.... Thanks for reading.

tranby Don't want to go back. Help.
  • replies: 1

My Ex-Boyfriend of two years and his friends have decided to make a huge joke out of our relationship two years on. when we broke up, i was already at a low and it pushed me to the edge. i suffered extreme anxiety and depression. Now ive moved on and... View more

My Ex-Boyfriend of two years and his friends have decided to make a huge joke out of our relationship two years on. when we broke up, i was already at a low and it pushed me to the edge. i suffered extreme anxiety and depression. Now ive moved on and im really happy, but all these tags on posts from his friends are really starting to bring up some bad memories and feelings. ive decided to be smart and not retaliate back, but its getting more frequent. Ive blocked most of them, but new friends of his keep finding ways to torment me by adding me to posts and bringing up my name all the time. ive reported it and saved everything they have said but nothing has been done by facebook because they aren't threats. Im just over it and i really dont want to be where i was. i dont know what to do

Phoenix_13 Help
  • replies: 3

I'm not coping. 3years ago I got the courage to leave an abusive marriage ( we were married for 7) he continued to try and control and manipulate me as a result I handed over our 3 young children, believing all he said about me being a failure etc, I... View more

I'm not coping. 3years ago I got the courage to leave an abusive marriage ( we were married for 7) he continued to try and control and manipulate me as a result I handed over our 3 young children, believing all he said about me being a failure etc, I regretted that day ever since and 18 months into a court battle too see them ( he is using my history of mental illness as proof I'm a horrible person.I was abused as a child,bullied as an adolescent, developed Annorexia and was hospitalised at 17 diagnosed as depressed at that time and branded a failure and someone who has caused my family too much stress,I was medicated, self medicated with drugs found yoga hot better meet my ex feel apart finally left continued to feel like a bourdon on everyone including my children , being a mum made me proud and gave me a sense of worth,) I meet my next partner we planned a baby , then 6 months ago things started unravelling, I didn't want to be spoken to rudely or controlled,I tried to keep things together, I honestly felt and too some point still feel he was the love of my life,however 2 months ago he decided he had had enough, whilst I have our son with me ( he is 1) his family have continued to bully me and I have lost friends, I was forced to move home, suicidal thoughts and self harming are rearing their ugly heads, I feel so alone, I can't bourdon my family with more of my failures as a person, I know I have my son too live for, but I'm scared of being alone, and it hurts when people are so heartless in their comments

izimini my life is pointless
  • replies: 2

I'm turning 24 in a month. I've suffered from anxiety low self image, self hatred and depression for many years. When i was 15 i quit school and stayed in my room until i was 20. During that time i abused drugs. by some stroke of luck i met my ex thr... View more

I'm turning 24 in a month. I've suffered from anxiety low self image, self hatred and depression for many years. When i was 15 i quit school and stayed in my room until i was 20. During that time i abused drugs. by some stroke of luck i met my ex through a friend i had online and moved into her house. I immediately quit drugs and we were together for 3 years. She wasn't just my girlfriend she was my best friend. On valentines day last year she broke up with me in a very cruel way. Keep in mind i had no friends before i met her so she was my only friend. One month after she dumped me my grandfather had a stroke so i flew to sydney to see him before he passed away. While there i also saw my father that i hadn't seen in 8 years. All he did was insult me and say things like "i can't belive she even liked you who would like you?? you don't even have a job!!" So here i am almost a year and a half later (which i spent in my room the whole time) iabused hard drugs to cope and recently went to rehab and am now clean. Then it hit me....i used drugs to kill the loneliness....what's the point of staying clean if im still sooooo lonely that all i want to do is die?? I have no one. No support network. I had the girl of my dreams and she betrayed me I have no friends to turn to....I have nothing. So to try to move forward i apply for jobs....the problem is...NO ONE will hire me due to my lack of work experience!! It's not my fault i was too afraid to leave my house in my youth and have chronic depression!! Also i should mention i've been to MANY psychiatrists/psychologists and tried at least 12 different anti depressants. None helped. In fact many of the psychiatrists said outright they can't help me. So here i am alone in my room i can't stop thinking about my ex even though it's almost been a year and a half since she dumped me im still lonely to the point i can't take it anymore i've done everything i can do to get help and nothing works. The loneliness is killing me. And i have no one to turn to and no clue what to do.

djbrowndog Separation and BPD
  • replies: 4

Hi all, Last July my wife and I moved out and separated from each other. We'd been together for 10 years and have a 6 year old son. We decided to split the previous January and lived together until our lease ran out. We are amicable and care for each... View more

Hi all, Last July my wife and I moved out and separated from each other. We'd been together for 10 years and have a 6 year old son. We decided to split the previous January and lived together until our lease ran out. We are amicable and care for each other very much and, obviously, the welfare of our son. I'll preface what I'm about to say by explaining my personality and issues. I'm 36 and have a the Myers-Briggs 'pigeonhole' of an INFJ (I've always been like this and have taken the test several times over the years). I feel things very deeply and my primary mode is internal, I'm known as a 'Protector and carer'. If you want to know more: http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/a/Infj.htm In terms of my emotions they are very strong and I will often 'give' more than what I receive. This is ok but I do suffer from bouts of mild depression, probably 3 - 4 times a year. The bouts don't last long 3 - 5 days),however, I do withdraw from contact with family and friends (not completely), although I can put on a face if I need to, particularly at work. I've learnt to deal with this over the years and see it as my 'emotional downtime'. Some days I can't get out of bed.I've been very practical (as my ex has too) about the separation and I have only really started to grieve about the loss in the past few months. As I see my ex regularly due to our son, I guess this makes it more difficult. I'm seeing my psychologist regularly who has been very helpful and also pointed out some painful truths while providing me with some cognitive exercises to help. To tell you the truth, I haven't been in this dark a place in my life before. I know I will cope and I know I will survive but the pain is real and at times unbearable.My ex was finally referred to a psychologist a few months ago (something both her and I had talked about during the time we'd been together - I suspected all along that there was something not quite right) and has been diagnosed with BPD. She is very internally minded and has several symptoms of the disorder - self-harm, lack of self worth, black or white thinking, impulsiveness, anxiousness and paranoia about social interactions and relationships etc. At this point in time I'm the only one who knows this - she wants to deal with it herself, which is fine. She has opened up to me quite a bit in the last few weeks and has said that she 'loves me' and am 'the most important person apart from our son' in her world. This confuses me no end! She has said that she 'checked out' of our relationship a long time ago and that it was her decision to separate. She has never given any 'finality' to the break-up. The closest is 'We probably won't get back together'. This leaves me in a state of hope... which I need to stop to 'get on with it' so to speak. I also create my own hope through the sometimes 'normal' interactions we have - this is not her doing just my mind at work.I can understand that she wants to go through this herself but I feel that I can support her in managing the situation. Is this being presumptuous on my part? I guess you can't support someone that doesn't want that support. Perhaps I am 1. too close to the situation and 2. need to deal with my own emotional state?I guess I'd like some advice and support from any one out there who has been in a similar situation, is a BPD (or non), or anyone who is in a relationship that involves a BPD partner. How should I be around my ex to help myself and her and the situation? I understand that this is a question that may have several possible answers or outcomes but any advice is most welcome. I am not at all concerned with the safety of my son - she and I love him very much but I am concerned how she is coping and what best I can do to support her.thanks in advance,dj

Michelle1978 Some days are hard and I still think about him a year later ....
  • replies: 4

Well I was with my ex boyfriend for just over 4 years. I really loved him and fitted in with his family quite well. His mum even said to him to start saving for an engagement ring. I didnt want to marry him - sometimes I just felt that we were on dif... View more

Well I was with my ex boyfriend for just over 4 years. I really loved him and fitted in with his family quite well. His mum even said to him to start saving for an engagement ring. I didnt want to marry him - sometimes I just felt that we were on different paths in life. He wanted to get married and have a family. But I loved him all the same and supported him as best I could. He was from a very wealthy family and seemed to have no idea about money etc.Anyway over the years we spoke about moving in together but it just never happened. I was still trying to save a deposit together to buy a property which we could live in or use as an investment. I had a mutual friend of ours give me an ultimatum at one stage which made me upset. I didnt remain friends with her because I dont believe real friends give ultimatums. My ex boyfriend still remained friends with them which upset me. I never stopped him from seeing them but as he had a big mouth I would just ask him not to talk about me at all etc. because I didnt want to be a topic of conversation. He wasnt very supportive. I went back to uni a couple of years ago and he wasnt happy about that at all but I did it anyway. His reason why he didnt want me to was because it would take time out of our relationship. He didnt seem to like any change. Just go with the status quo.Anyway there was a couple of times in the relationship where he just withdrew himself etc. I didnt know why but then he would come around and be ok. His family lived in another state and we were going to go on holidays to see them last year. Before we booked the tickets I asked him was he happy with me and our relationship and he said "Yes" so he booked the tickets. I was excited as it was one of my fav spots to visit.Anyway about 6 weeks later he had withdrawn himself and was acting a bit strange. Said he wanted to have a break and that he didnt feel the same for me (it just happened out of the blue). We went to counselling and he said the only reason why he booked my ticket to see his family was so that he didnt want to go on his own. This upset me as I gave him a chance to express his feelings before we booked the tickets. He was really pushing me to have a baby and in counselling when asked how we he afford it he said "There is government support available" and the in the next sentence he said "One day I will be filthy rich" this is due to his inheritance that he will get one day. This showed me that he had no idea. This didnt align with my values on money either as I have always been taught to work hard and save hard for the things you want in life. After the counselling we split up and the counsellor said to me that he was very immature and she thought that he didnt have enough maturity to become a father (he is 34). Anyway I told him I didnt want to stay friends with him but Facebook was ok because I had nothing to hide - then a couple of weeks later he blocked me and couldnt give me a good excuse why. This really upset and annoyed me. Anyway I havent had any contact with him for many months. In that time I have brought my own place etc. then a couple of weeks ago I found out he has a new gf who is a lot younger. Also his mum treated to the family to an exclusive get away and I just thought "He will never learn about money". Sometimes I still think about him and wonder how he is doing. I still get a little upset about it sometimes. I was talking to a distant relative of his on skype and he told me that he said to my ex that it was a shame that we split up because he liked us together and then my ex got upset and wont talk to him at all which is just immature. I have tried to move on with life. I have put myself online and gone out for a couple of coffee dates recently but sometimes the feelings keep coming back