How to I find happiness again?

Woody123 · ‎12-08-2014

I'm an easy going guy who is new to Beyond Blue though I have been suffering from depression for a long time. I have always gone that extra step to try to help other people who have problems yet I feel so isolated in my own personal pain. I came to Australia 10 years ago with my wife of 19 years and my young son. It started out by being a wonderful experience and there is no reason why I shouldn't be happy here.

I am older than my wife by 11 years. I am now 65 and she is 53 though she looks 20 years younger. For most of my marriage she was loving and devoted then, overnight, she suddenly changed. For the past 5 years she has been argumentative to the extreme and she did everything possible to force me out of the house. Apparently, she got some advice about the divorce laws in Australia and the division of assets. She took out an intervention order on me which keeps me out of my home and curtails any communication between us. She tried to claim child support from me but that backfired as my son has chosen to live with me (he was under stress too). She is now after her share of the marital assets which will leave me with insufficient for my retirement.

My real loss is the love that I had for her and the sense of rejection that I feel. We have been separated for 11 months and I must now enter into the divorce process. Where has love gone? How can someone I've devoted my life to change so quickly and so violently?

AGrace · ‎12-08-2014

Hi Woody,

Welcome to Beyondblue, and thank you for sharing with us.

I can hear the hurt in your post, and I can imagine that this has brought about so much confusion for you.

Sadly, there is not one reason to explain what your wife has done. Only she will ever know the real truth of her actions.

The divorce process will be tough. The fact that you moved here some time ago, have you developed a group of friends or close colleagues who will be able to support you? Losing a loved one through separation is just like any other grief. You mentioned that you had suffered depression for some time, are you still seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist? It might be worthwhile booking in some sessions so that you can at least talk through how you're feeling.

I'm really pleased that your son has decided to live with you, he obviously believes you are a wonderful father. Your focus needs to be on you and him now. Does your son have a friend that he talks to about his worries? He might need a bit of counselling as well.

The fact that your son is living with you will benefit you in terms of how the marital assets are divided. Have you been able to source a good divorce lawyer?

As hard as it is to imagine, there will be life after this, and yes, you've picked a beautiful country to spend the rest of your life in.

AGrace

Woody123 · ‎13-08-2014

The Intervention Order prevents me from communicating with my wife by normal means (speaking to her, emailing her or texting her (I would like to point out that there was no violence involved - I merely asked her for my birth certificate and my marriage licence). This means that I can only communicate with her via my solicitor at great cost. My wife will agree to arbitration if I agree to a 50/50 split of the assets even though it's my responsibility to put a roof over his head,

I have gone through marriage counselling twice, both times my wife withdrew, I haven't found a Psychologist to talk to and I do feel I have deep seated issues that need to surface.

My Son Adam is a major concern. He has had counselling and says that he doesn't need it but he is troubled. He hates school and he isn't really making close friends. At least he has his older brother 27 as a mentor and he is a rock.

geoff · ‎13-08-2014

dear Woody, thanks for joining the site, although it's under extreme circumstances.

I don't know why your wife has suddenly changed, maybe it was because she had been given some advice so that she could take advantage of the divorce laws here in our country, but from what you have said it seems as though she had it planned, and I'm not pre-empting the situation so that it will upset you, I'm just thinking aloud.

I too have experienced the trauma of being thrown into the divorce situation where my wife all of a sudden decided to force this upon me, but my two sons were over 18 years old and both living in Melbourne, 2 hours from where our house was.

The more I think about this there is something which doesn't sit comfortably with me, and it involves your wife, and the follow through is that it is troubling your son, so I wonder whether you had picked up any indication before she wanted you out of the house.

Look forward to hearing back from you, and please if I have gone too far then I apologise. Geoff.

Woody123 · ‎13-08-2014

My wife's personality started to change about 5 years ago. She decided to go out to work and to leave me to take care of the home though I had a stressful job to contend with.. She had a female friend who she kept secret for quite some time. She would go visit her after work instead of coming home. We started to argue more about her 'other life' and her major issue was that she had basically been a good little wife for 14 years, she was repressed and now she wanted her independence. Things steadily got worse as she seamed to go out of her way to make life difficult for me and for Adam. I couldn't have any sensible dialogue with her and I moved into my own bedroom. All we seemed to do was to argue and she threatened to call the police, I did a very stupid thing as I wanted to end this. I gently removed her glasses and slapped her cheek (not hard and not in anger but to bring closure) That was all she needed to press the panic button on our security system for the police to come. I had to vacate and the first intervention order was issued. I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment. I was not to go back to my house or to go anywhere near my wife, A few days later she turns up at my apartment with Adam. She wanted to stay the night so they slept in my bed and I slept on the settee. This was how her emotional state had it's highs and lows. She stayed maybe three or four nights when she got angry venting at Adam not me. I had to tell her to leave. If things got out of hand and she called the police I would end up in jail.

BlueHeart · ‎08-09-2014

This perhaps will not help very much but mental illness is a major contributing factor to relationship break down and divorce. A radical and irrational change in a person’s behavior may indicate the onset of mental illness. The degree, type and prognosis of mental illness will impact any relationship and is a subject close to my heart. After my wife was diagnosed as a suffer of delusional psychosis it only took three years before our marriage was being processed as finished and all the unpleasantness of the family law courts began. We have two young sons and as of this year still the saga is ongoing in the courts.

It will depend on the degree, type and prognosis of mental illness as to what shape the relationship will evolve into. In my case I became a carer for a period however this eventually became nonviable when separation and then divorce occurred. The only advice I can give in cases where mental illness is concerned is get a diagnosis and research the illness.

There are a number of support groups and services which can help but all these have their limitations. Depending on the mental illness there are grounds for power of attorney and things like that but this is also no easy path. When mental illness breaks down relationships sadly there are no winners.