Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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JimmyM Depressed spouse - struggling husband
  • replies: 3

Hi I am a husband of a chronically depressed wife. She has been chronically depressed for about 12 years and started when her father passed away ans she has now got the financial burden of having to look after her mother. I think the issues stem from... View more

Hi I am a husband of a chronically depressed wife. She has been chronically depressed for about 12 years and started when her father passed away ans she has now got the financial burden of having to look after her mother. I think the issues stem from her child hood and the mental abuse her parents dished out to her plus she has a myriad of auto immune diseases that have curtailed her quality of life. Our marriage has fallen apart over the last 6 years and we have been to various marriage counsellours to try fix our relationship. She admits she is chronically depressed but refuses to go get help and she sees it as a big sign of weakness. She also bottles things up and does not communicate even though Im a good listener. She hardly shows any signs of initmacy and our sex life has basically disapeared that I dont even bother initiating sex for fear of being rejected. She withdraws from everything and seems to go into the bottomless pit of despair. I realise that I cant fix her but also now feeling bad that I am failing as a husband as I have been worn out with trying to support her but I just dont have the energy to go on which is making the situation worse as I am so frustrated and grumpy and I dont make make the situation any easier for the 2 of us. She only seems to improve when we are on overseas holidays so she can temporarily forget about her worries, we have spent a lot of time doing competitive sport and doing the same events but our sporting interests have changed, luckilly we dont have children but then again that could be the glue that binds us together. I feel like I'm the one that is putting in the effort to save the marriage and would hate to split up with the love of my life and best friend for the last 26 years but marriage counselling hasnt really worked except for a short time where the 1 counsellor acknowledged that my wife does have some issues and got her to go back for some individual counselling sessions but my wife discontinued as I dont think she liked what the counsellor told her. I went back to the same counsellor about a year later after another marriage breakdown and was told that my wife wont change unless she got help. How long should I keep trying or is it time to move on? When do you know when the relationship is unsalvageable?

car10001 making friends
  • replies: 3

hi everyone. hope yous all had a good xmas and new year was wondering how youd be able to make a few good friends similar age bracket to me (33) that you regularly hang around with and do something once in a while, just dont have anyone to do certain... View more

hi everyone. hope yous all had a good xmas and new year was wondering how youd be able to make a few good friends similar age bracket to me (33) that you regularly hang around with and do something once in a while, just dont have anyone to do certain things with, and would love for it to happen. friends have moved away and cousins who have used to go up and spend time with and also family events now have kids and while its not completely impossible to go up and spend time with them, it is harder now because of having kids and also because they got back into go karts and do it nearly every weekend. those same cousins raced go karts quite a few years ago for a while stopped doing go karts and have got back into them again. now coming to realisation and have done for a while that they have moved on and its time to make more friends similar age. also know someone who has a seemingly never ending supply of facebook friends and seems to have a heap and know a heap as well and they were probably from before the coronavirus came. what are ways to make friends during the coronavirus, one way is meetup.com which brings the next question. everytime you go on meetup.com and search for my area nearest is always the closest capital city and was wondering how to get a meetup happening in my area to likely meet people hopefully similar age in the area or set one up yourself that regularly happens. is there a way to make friends similar age when you currently work for a place thats open weekends where theyre likely out doing stuff to allow you to hang in there until the time is right to make the change to do something else which may only have a occasional weekend day if at all and for not as long, sometimes with jobs and everything else you have to hang on until the times right. do like camping here and there and slowly setting car up to do a little bit where you can take a normal 2wd car so once starting that it might start with a couple people and then more and more people may turn up thanks

HannaMelb dreading Xmas
  • replies: 7

Hi all... I'm a 55 years old single mum of a 15 years old son. I have been in Australia for 30 years. I have no financial issues and a good job. Yet I dread Xmas. My son spends his holidays interstate with his father. I could spend Xmas with friends ... View more

Hi all... I'm a 55 years old single mum of a 15 years old son. I have been in Australia for 30 years. I have no financial issues and a good job. Yet I dread Xmas. My son spends his holidays interstate with his father. I could spend Xmas with friends but they are all married and I got tired of being the "outsider" at their house when their relatives come and I'm the only outsider. I can see that makes them uncomfortable. So for the last few years I have been spending Xmas and NYE alone at home. I have no desire to go out on my own. I could travel somewhere but I don't feel like it as it makes me feel even more lonely. I lost contact with my childhood friends back in my homeland as it has been so long. My family back home have become distant as well except for my elderly mother with whom we all have issues and my sister. I keep regular contact over the internet with them. I have made friendships here but for some reason or another (usually my single friends finding a partner and moving on from single life) I end up distancing from them as well. Being the only single one makes it difficult to make friends with married people. To make things worse I got involved with a married man from a neighbouring country to mine hence with similar cultural background but he's going back with his family early next year (please don't judge me, I know it's not right but I didn't want that for myself but loneliness was too much). I guess this will resolve itself once he goes back home but he wants to keep in touch as he has to come back to Australia eventually for work. I don't want to wait for him, I cannot put my life on hold for someone who has a wife and kids already... I feel I have everything to be happy but I am not. I miss having someone in my life as my son is becoming more independent and I am scared of having too much time for myself. I am happy to try voluntary work or helping others in some way so I can have a sense of purpose in my life (apart from being a mother, of course - I have dedicated myself to raise my son for the last 8 years since I separated from his father who was emotionally abusive to me, he still is but I can manage that now). I'm sorry if I'm all over the place but I am writing these words as they come to my mind. Just want to know that there are other people out there feeling the same as me and feeling miserable during Xmas when it seems like everybody has a family to enjoy but me. What do people do in that situation? Thanks for reading...

Burnt_Out Lost and confused; relationship, business and young family.
  • replies: 2

A few months into our relationship we opened a business together, all whilst I continued to work fulltime. 5 years and a toddler later I am completely burnt out from carrying such a significant load for an extended period; business, work, family, hou... View more

A few months into our relationship we opened a business together, all whilst I continued to work fulltime. 5 years and a toddler later I am completely burnt out from carrying such a significant load for an extended period; business, work, family, household - I carried ~80% of the load - he told me 2 week's before Christmas that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Although our business is successful, I went back to work following maternity leave at the beginning of COVID to ensure our family was supported. In hindsight I shouldn't have done this. In all honesty our relationship has been somewhat toxic for at least 2 years, with issues for 3 given the workload; I slowly developed depression and severe anxiety - he too suffers. Due to the stress and pure burn out that has been building for ~4 years, I have had no libido, angry, emotional and just purely exhausted. He labels me as "miserable", I can understand this but it is more so blank and empty from my perspective. I suffered from PND, which I didn't have time to seek support for, compounding our issues, and he helped minimally with our son until ~6 months. I have asked for counselling but he isn't interested. I have also voiced that his upbringing contributes to our issues (broken home). We spent Christmas apart and upon return we agreed to work through things, but he is continuing to tell me that he doesn't feel anything and can't guarantee that it'll come back - my efforts are too late in his opinion. Although I understand where he is coming from, I feel that this can be fixed if we both obtained professional support. As he is refusing to see a counsellor, it makes this really difficult. I was wanting to each see them separately and then together. He suffers from anxiety and depression himself, which he hasn't sought help for despite my efforts. He is telling me that I am a trigger for him. I don't know how to fix that as I don't know what the association is. His issue is that his dad has depression due to his marriage and he doesn't want to end up like him. I don't even know what support I am looking for in this forum; maybe help from people who have successfully rebuilt their relationship or methods to get him to counselling to resolve past conflicts and communication issues. I was considering booking my session and asking him to attend with me. If we could separate knowing we would come back together I would happily agree, but I can't do this as my family and support are interstate.

Saltyfish Wife cheated for 8 years but still loves me??
  • replies: 11

Back in April 2020 I found out my wife had been cheating on me with her former boss after a dick pic was sent to my 15 year old daughter’s MacBook ( linked account with my wife) My daughter had the courage to tell me which I’m grateful for. After con... View more

Back in April 2020 I found out my wife had been cheating on me with her former boss after a dick pic was sent to my 15 year old daughter’s MacBook ( linked account with my wife) My daughter had the courage to tell me which I’m grateful for. After confronting my wife she admitted the affair. I’ve been living in a personal hell since. I did try to speak to a now ex friend but he let his feelings be known when he stuck his fingers in his ears and said he didn’t want to hear it. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to that I trust and can’t afford counseling so I go crazy in silence. My wife doesn’t want me to leave and says she still loves me. I used to feel the raw pain when I first found out but that is now rather subdued.I really want to expose him to his wife but I’m not sure how to go above it. She is a very good person and deserves to know the truth. I’m trying to move on with my life and maybe my marriage but can’t until the truth comes out. If I leave I’ll lose out big time with the divorce as the system is so heavily in favour of the female. My wife still acts the same around me as she did for all those years so I’m confused about how to move forward. This year will be our 25th wedding anniversary but I’m not so sure if that will eventuate. I live in Perth and the only help around here comes with a price tag. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Goal2content Is this emotional abuse?
  • replies: 8

Hi, I want to leave my partner and take our 3 young kids (we would work out a parenting arrangement so he can still see them) but I’m finding it difficult to find the strength to just do it. My partner has made subtle criticisms over the years and ca... View more

Hi, I want to leave my partner and take our 3 young kids (we would work out a parenting arrangement so he can still see them) but I’m finding it difficult to find the strength to just do it. My partner has made subtle criticisms over the years and can be condescending. He blames me for the washing machine and dryer breaking etc, comments on the distance I park my car from his, he used to stand over me while I was cooking telling me how to do it a ‘better way’. There lots more but basically making me feel like everything is my fault. It really hurt when he said our kids are like they are because I was too nice to them ‘earlier in the piece’ (our 5 year old has behavioural and sensory issues because he has anxiety from neurosurgeries a few years ago). Anyway, about a year ago my partner’s Mum realised we were unhappy and started saying you can’t leave him, you won’t be able to afford it etc (I actually never said I was leaving). I just agreed we were unhappy because she kept hounding me. She was telling me I should be having more intercourse with him and she started telling me what to do with my investments and that I should put my money into his house. Recently she was so rude and told me I need to make a decision about whether I’m leaving her son or not, told me my kids are out of control and that she thinks I had postnatal depression 3 years ago after my 2nd baby was born. My partner is all for his Mum and sticks up for her in any discussion I have with him and I feel like it’s 2 against 1. I feel like I’m not needed and they would rather me not be here. They tell me it’s better if I don’t come home straight after work because it revs the kids up! I feel so sick to the stomach and as if I’m losing control as my kids Mum. My partner’s Mum looks after the kids when I work 2.5 days a week but she’ll stay until 9:30 every night. She comes and helps her son if I work a weekend day so she’s too involved. If my Mum offers to look after the kids she will text me and ask ‘why is your Mum doing more days now?’ Anyway, sorry for the rant but I need the strength to leave and want to know if this is emotional abuse by my partner and his Mum? Thanks for ready.

pl515p1 Lost Soul Seeking Closure
  • replies: 3

I don't know if this is the correct place, I don't know much of anything anymore, I do know that I have a mother and a brother, and uncles and aunts, out there somewhere. I am trying to find them. Years and distance have separated us, but since my fa... View more

I don't know if this is the correct place, I don't know much of anything anymore, I do know that I have a mother and a brother, and uncles and aunts, out there somewhere. I am trying to find them. Years and distance have separated us, but since my father passed, I have to fulfil this mission for him. Through my own searching I have found my uncle and told him of dad, he too has been searching for us, and other relatives. Australia lacks any government organisation to aid me in my search. I reached out to the Red Cross, they do not help with "domestic tracing" so If I were separated by migration or war, they would help me, but not in my case. The Salvation army once had a family tracing service, now abandoned since 2018. I am not adopted, so I have no grounds for searching that way. I have been told to search the electoral roll and social media, so I did, and still am. I found my Uncle on the roll, and an address for someone matching my brother, but the roll is not all encompassing, many people are not on the roll, and any woman who has married will be much more difficult to find. I don't know what I am trying to say, but there should be a government department that offers help for those trying to reconnect with family under the so called "domestic tracing" term they use. Sure, people can say to me, it's our own fault, we should have kept in touch, but hey, life is complicated, people move, things come up, and all of a sudden several years have passed and that old phone number no longer connects. I only want to reach out so they can know about dad, my uncle was devastated that he missed the funeral, and also, to reconnect with family would be a healing process for me, it takes a village. The government is lacking in so many areas of support, mine may not be the most pressing, but it is important, and I think there are many others out there trying to find relatives that are also having to do it alone, it is so hard. I can picture my mother searching for me, as I search for her, and we both walk right past one another looking the wrong way. I don't know if this is a rant, or a cry for help, probably both...

Von is lost Ghosting and rejection
  • replies: 15

I finally plucked up the courage to ask a guy I’d been casually seeing what he was thinking/feeling about us, and he just straight up ghosted me and hasn't replied in a whole week. I feel extremely hurt and desperate for answers, but I know there’s n... View more

I finally plucked up the courage to ask a guy I’d been casually seeing what he was thinking/feeling about us, and he just straight up ghosted me and hasn't replied in a whole week. I feel extremely hurt and desperate for answers, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it and I may not ever get an answer. I feel physically ill thinking about him but can’t seem to stop. I wish I knew how to value myself enough to know I’m better off without someone who doesn’t really want me.

Augustus01 Difficult son
  • replies: 10

I don't know whether to seek a family or legal forum. My son is 21. He's addicted to drugs. He has no work ethic and spends most of his time in his makeshift room which was a storage room adjacent to our garage that he's just taken over. Either eatin... View more

I don't know whether to seek a family or legal forum. My son is 21. He's addicted to drugs. He has no work ethic and spends most of his time in his makeshift room which was a storage room adjacent to our garage that he's just taken over. Either eating, checking his phone, sleeping, lazying or consuming whatever drug he's on. He's on his 5th job this year, and his 4th car after trashing the last 3. Today he just couldn't be bothered going to work. Orders food deliveries and his room is a mess. In his teens he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, in his world he's the only one that matters, and his counsellor could not help us any more. We've put him on a mentoring youth program with trips and activities, and his mentor gave up on him after he lured another kid to alcohol on a trip away. He's wasted his schooling by skipping classes and acting the truant. After a series of warnings and dismissed from one school, he couldn't see out yr-11. He's had a number of low-end jobs since then which he hasn't been able to stick to. Been booked for speeding, lost his licence twice and is heading for a 3rd, and his car is nearly a write-off. He's had anger management issues, broken doors and windows in the house when things don't go his way, and even driven over the front garden hedge. Two court appearances with AVOs which he hasn't stuck to and no intention of doing so. Police turn up, take him in for questioning and then release him. They can't do anything as he hasn't committed a crime, yet. We can't afford to keep supporting him. It's damaged our family mentally, especially his mother who cries in her sleep. I know he needs help but he won't voluntarily seek it. He won't reason to anything meaningful, and turns everything to a joke. We're in the process of moving house, and his mother is adamant he won't be following us. But I don't know what to do with him. I'm mentally exhausted.

J06 Complex Family and it's depressing!
  • replies: 1

I have 3 children eldest married 2 children, youngest in a stable relationship with 1 child, middle one single gay self opinionated with mental health issues stemming from childhood issues that I did not deal with and which has caused him to be havin... View more

I have 3 children eldest married 2 children, youngest in a stable relationship with 1 child, middle one single gay self opinionated with mental health issues stemming from childhood issues that I did not deal with and which has caused him to be having therapy for the past 25 years. The son doesn't get on with father or youngest sibling but has always managed a relationship with eldest sibling. I've spent years being in the middle of bickering, arguing, verbally fighting between people. Luckily given they live in different states it doesn't occur often, although Christmas when they all love to come home, and for grandchildren it's the only way to spend christmas. So it's a time for me that I love (being a christmas tragic) but it is one fraught with worry, tension, anxiety attacks for me and I don't believe believe people doing enough to monitor their behaviour. I've spoken to people individually but of course it's always the other persons problem. This year because of Covid no one could spend christmas at home but middle child visited and stayed with eldest sibling. All well until middle grandson, just entering his teens and a typical teenager - lazy, untidy prefers to do his own thing, although no problems when it all suits him was disciplined several times by father for not removing himself from electronics and help his mother. Middle son thought punishment banned from electronics and send to room didn't fit the crime, tried to step in didn't go down well and then contacted me to say what had happened and he felt that he had witnessed other similar things that had happened and he didn't feel it was fair as this was what had happened to him and he didn't want to see his nephew go through 25 yrs of therapy. I told him, I had seen the grandsons behaviour which at times was not good and he needed something more than continuinally being spoken to as that didn't worth. Also said son was a good father and that it was not middle son's responsibility and he should not get in the middle. Now I am sitting worrying about what is going on and whether brothers are now arguing, and the only one the middle son can interact with may prefer he not visit if he is going to comment on his parenting. But middle son wants and needs a family and can't see that he is pushing people away Meanwhile I sit and worry myself silly over it because I do know that some of middle sons issues have been caused by our bad choices. Love my children but sometimes wish they would go away