Toxic Mother & feeling like Im always the bad daughter

[lochness46]

I need to vent, I live with BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder). Ive always had a difficult with both my mother & father, but more so my mother. I really suspect that shes has undiagnosed BPD. Im a single parent & unfortunately I have always really struggled to have any kind of relationship with my mother. Im an only child from my parents, but I do have 2 half living brothers, one of my half brother's past away at the end of 2019. I never really had a very close relationship with any of my brothers, maybe my brother that past away, we kind of had a close-ish relationship with me when he was younger. There is a big age difference with my younger half brothers, & they really havent tried to have much a of closer relationship with me. Im ususally doing the contacting for a chat. But getting back to my mother & our relationship, we have always had difficult relationship, very strained & there have been times that we stopped speaking at all for months. In recent months I was getting so triggered by the way she was behaving towards me with her total lack of acknoledgment of me & my mental illness, she'd always make it about herself, if I even mentioned anything about me battling on a daily basis with my MI, she'd constanstly make comparisions between her & myself & our situations, she'd minimise anything I said & gaslight me when I mentioned early childhood memories of what I remembered from when she was younger. Her toxic-ness eventually triggered me so bad that I had to stop communicating with her at all, for my own sanity. It hasnt been easy, & in the mean time Ive also dealing with some physically & medical issues. Back in May I asked my Dad if he would contact my mum to ask her on my behalf, because I was becoming deperate as I couldnt walk or do anything because of knee condition. He got back to me & told me that my mother had said, "No, she wouldnt come & help me". I was shocked & then I received a txt msg from her sayin she wasnt prepared to help me. She is my only family that lives close to me. I was so hurt by her response. Since then luckily Ive had some help through a mental health organisation at least, but it still hurts so much that my own mother has turned her back on me, especially when I needed family 😞 shes also blocked me on Facebook & I have tried to call & msg her in recent week & Ive gotten nothing back from her. I feel like she is punishing me for EVERYTHING & now I dont know how to move forward without feeling deeply hurt by her.

[james1]

Hello lochness46,

It's nice to meet you, I don't think I've seen you around before but I'm glad to see that you've posted a bit and I hope you find these forums helpful. From what you've mentioned, it sounds like you're quite alone and you also do not have a good relationship with your family.

Just quickly, may I ask how you get along with your dad? It sounds like he tried to help, but perhaps isn't able to reign in your mum's behaviour.

You mentioned you just wanted to vent, so I don't want to comment too much and take up your space. But I just wanted to say that I can hear how hurt you are by your mum, and even though you've really tried to bridge that relationship, you are getting rejected by her constantly.

I think you've been quite (and I don't mean this in a patronising way at all) mature about trying to manage your mental health and recognising that you are feeling really hurt by this. I did a bit of BPD therapy a few years ago because I have a similar relationship with my own mum, and I understand how triggering this kind of behaviour can be. So I just wanted to say good on you for persevering through all that, and having the skills to seek help and support from others.

Do let us know if there's anything you'd like to talk about in particular. It sounds like these issues with mum will take a while to resolve - in my case, I just rely on weekly sessions with my psychologist, a healthy amount of emotional and physical distance from mum, and a good amount of distractions if there are any bad blow ups.

James

[quirkywords]

Hello lochness

I hope writing out how you felt helped you in a some way. I can feel your frustration in trying to have a relationship with your mum. You seem a patient and determined person.
james has given you a supportive reply.

we are here ready to listen.

[lochness46]

Have been going through a tough time in 2021, even more so than 2020. Theres so much I wana say, but obviously there is only certain amount I can type. Since March it been a difficult time. Back then I was trying to have a relationship with my mum. It got to the point where I had to cut myself off from her & I told her I was fed up with trying to make it better or even try & tolerate they way she was towards me. I couldnt continue to try with her just for the sake of it. So since then Ive had no contact with her. In late May this year I developed a knee condition that was very painful & it make it hard to walk. So I was referred to a Surgeon whom said that I should try to loose weight & that I wasnt a candidate for a knee replacement. So since then its been really hard to accept what was going on for me & also to look after myself & my son, being a single parent. It hasnt been easy. I dont have any family near by, apart from my mum toxic mother. I even got my dad ( my parents arent together & are divorced) to ask my mum to come help when originally the condition started. But my dad told me that she said she wasnt prepared to help me. I was really hurt by what she said & I was little gobsmacked by the way she was being. Who can you rely on if not family when you are in need?? Ive lived in an area for the last 5 yrs with my son & Ive tried to fit in & make friends, but I really deep down feel like I dont fit in, & its not that I havent tried. I think Ive unintentionally have made alot of bad decisions when its come to "making friends"with the wrong sorts of people. So its really lonely alot of the & the only person I have in my life currently is a paid Support Worker in my life. I do appreciate her, but I wish I had friends where I currently live. I do have a couple of GFs in Melbourne whom I catch up sometimes on the phone from time to time. But most of the time I really do miss company. I am currently working at getting my knee condition better, one day at a time, but its really hard for me to get out on my own, even just to walk. Ive been doing Physio exercises to help, but it will be a slow process unfortunately. Im definetly battling confidence issues with walking & feeling constantly stuck at home isnt helping my mental health. I wish I had friends, but I feel people think Im damage goods or to difficult to deal with at times, but all I am wanting is real people to accept me for me.

[james1]

Hello lochness46,

I'm sorry to hear this year has been even worse than last year. It sounds like last year you had held onto hope that your relationship with your mum could be improved and you didn't feel as alone in having to deal with the issues that have come up in your life as a single parent.

I understand a big problem you are facing at the moment is loneliness, and issues with your mum have just made this problem worse since she was one of your only sources of human company (even though it was bad). It is really hard to make friends, so you are certainly not alone in that regard. And we often make 'bad decisions' with friends when we are lonely, because it feels like any friend is better than no friend.

Other single parents may have better advice here, but are there any groups you could join to try and make some friends or at least regular human contacts? You mentioned you've tried to fit in and make friends - what have you tried so far, and are there any other ideas you'd like to try but haven't been able to yet?

James

[lochness46]

VanessaR was having a bad day
Melbourne, AU
Im so annoyed, I have had a Facebook acount for many many years & in the recent years, especially because of being in Lockdowns in my state & country I have relied on using FB mental health groups. But in the last 6 months or so I have been blocked from using FB as of so called violations they claim Ive done & Ive been blocked from a day or 2, to a week to now in recent days all because I used the F word, Ive been blocked for a month, its such BS .I live in a place that because of my mental illness Ive struggled to make friends or even be part of any groups, because where I live in regional & the resources are from zero to none, unless you play sport, but I cant because Im dealing with a cronic knee condtion & Im currently on a walker to help me get around. What FB doesnt understand is that I uses many mental health groups on there & help feel connected, because I fee so alone most of the time. I dont have a relationship with my mum, because shes toxic, but she is my only closest family. Its so wrong that I now am gettiing punished by FB just for a few swear words that Ive seen many many a time on there, that im am not just cut off from from support & connections. I admit in the past Ive made a few bad choices responding to people on FB, but I still need support & to feel contected to others whom I can relate to in real time. 😔 I think that i might be posting a hellova lot more here now since I have no where else to post my thoughts & feelings..

[james1]

Hello lochness46,

I'm sorry to hear you've been blocked - I know quite a few people who also use FB mental health groups for support, so i understand how important they can be for people who need that support and connections.

Have you looked around much on these forums to see what other people are talking about? There are a lot of people who come to these forums with similar difficulties dealing with loneliness in regional locations, and many who also struggle with their families. It sounds like you'd like to form some connections with people and while that can be challenging during lockdown and when you live more remotely, I have found that talking to people on these forums in their threads can be quite helpful.

James