Emotional cheating / online cheating

[Ladybug55]

I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for almost 3.

Back story - So my Husband back in 2019 was getting sent naked pictures from a girl he knows (overseas) over snap chat. At the time I caught him I did the wrong thing and had checked his device and that’s how I found out. Why did I check his device? He was becoming distant. I confronted him and he had said he stopped it.since then he reconnected with her but says he no longer gets pictures but she’s such a good friend. This is girl A.

side note - he has an obsession with redheads and especially Fit girls. Me =dark brunette 65kg with a little stomach on me ( not exactly fitness chick)

fast forward to end of 2020 he built a strong relationship with a girl at work who now lives in a diff city. He hid this relationship from me because he thought I would be weird - why she’s a red head and really fit. if I can be her friend then it’s fine but no he keeps her from me and keeps girl A from me.

due To work commitments he is currently away. I jumped on his laptop to get a movie to watch because I’m alone and it’s covid. His hidden folders were active and I saw he had a hidden folder where this girl B the one from work. Of her clothed bum, or her in undies showing off her abs and her legs. Yeh good on her for having a great body but my husband shouldn’t be getting his chick friends to send him pics and save them for later??

he never compliments me obviously what for I’m not good enough. he is very muscular and fit.

I haven’t brought this up to him cause he is away and not home and we won’t physically see each other for another 3 weeks. But for now I cry myself to sleep every night, wake up throughout the night and cry. I feel like I’m not good enough.

am I right to say he doesn’t actually care about me even though he says he does - because you wouldn’t hide and ask for pics from another woman and keep those relationships from your wife if you cared about her??

im going to be contacting support or try to it’s really hard to talk about this. I know my mental health is suffering and I can’t trust my own husband. Yeh he’s not physically cheating on me but he’s doing this all online and while I’m in the room. Or chatting to them when I go to the gym to make myself better.

Why I haven’t left? Because I love him and I’ll be lonely. I’m also stuck where I am for my job and can’t just pick up and leave. My family and friends are all interstate and all I have here are my dogs.

[geoff]

Hello Ladybug, a warm welcome to the site.

Trust comes before love, because if someone breaks your trust in any way then love needs to be questioned, unfortunately.

Presently he is away, and you can't be sure what he may be up to and even if you communicate daily doesn't mean that he's innocent and in any relationship and/or marriage you don't expect any behaviour like this to happen, persuasive photos sent by another person to your husband's phone/computer on a regular basis because you aren't exactly sure what is happening between your husband and these ladies and there could be much that you don't know about.

I can't say what you should do but I can make a suggestion, if you can't trust your husband then is it possible to love them and that's a decision you need to make, whether or not you stay with him, especially as he goes away.

If my wife was caught doing this, I'd show her the door.

Sorry.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry to hear your story. Sadly, I agree with Geoff.

Also, you tend to justify you looking at his phone or laptop. There is no need to do this for anyone imo, you have every right to assume has honest right?.

Again I'm sorry for your plight.

TonyWK

[ReeCar123]

Dear Ladybug,

I am really sorry you are going through this. It must feel tough and scary. I hope that this is not making it worse for you but I do see so many parallels to my past in your story and your behaviour. So I thought I would try and help.

I was like you a few years ago. My husband had befriended a female colleague and soon he told me how she was talking to him about the sexy underwear she liked to work and that she enjoyed fantasising of being intimate at the workplace. I told him that I did not find that appropriate behaviour in the workplace and he immediately told me that I have a problem and that my response was way too harsh. This continued for a lot of months, I saw messages of him chatting with her on Facebook, something he never did with anyone else. When I asked him if I could meet her so I could be friends with her, too and we could hence remove the apprehension, he told me that he could not trust how I would behave around her. He outright refused. When the anxiety got worse and worse, and we had more and more fights, I asked him if he could not compromise with me so we both do not have such a bad time. He looked me straight in the eyes and said 'I do not compromise with you'. My husband.

This all culminated in the end and what I have learned over the years and through therapy is that his behaviour was 101 gaslighting. He told me I was the problem until I almost believed it. He was not nice to me at all and my anxiety was so bad that, after another fight, I finally had the strength to leave. Since then, I have become much clearer about the relationship and that it included components of coercive control through emotional control. Downgrading, lying, not compromising, making you feel bad for looking at his devices although you obviously have real reason for your suspicion - all that can be signs of coercive control. And that is a part of domestic violence that is often overlooked.

I would very much encourage you to seek help from a psychologist or even from 1800 RESPECT. This can have such a detrimental effect on your mental health and you deserve to feel safe and secure in your life. I hope this helps and please feel free to keep talking here. You are being heard.

Warmest thought,

Ree

[smallwolf]

Hello. My understanding is that your husband had some sort of relationship with another person which you confronted him about. After saying he'd stop you have evidence he is at it again.

I am sorry to hear this has happened a second time to you. Your need to access the computer makes sense. And then to see you have been betrayed would be devastating. If I could ask you one question...

What do you feel you should do moving forward?

Remember there are no wrong answers. Leaving is one possibility. So is couple counseling. Or an ultimatum.

You don't have to answer the question here if you don't want to. Listening to you.